Mid-week check-in

Clever Manka, · Categories: Check-In

This is the weekly post for those of us who are traversing together this hellscape called Personal Growth. Brag about this week’s accomplishments, ask for support, talk about what worked, what didn’t. Tell us how things are going for you.

100 Responses to “Mid-week check-in”

  1. burningupasun says:

    I have already picked this apart in the Toastie Slack, but I just wanted to say that sometimes, therapy is really great but at the same time also really horrible and hard. Today was a hard week and I am exhausted and looking forward to a few days off (even if I have to spend one of them getting a tooth pulled).

  2. Rillquiet says:

    I committed a wee tactical error in telling my trainer that, since I was coming off a cold, I wanted to avoid cardio and do heavy lifts instead. It's been two days and my arms won't straighten (although my biceps look SICK, so).

    On a less frivolous note, I eventually decided to attend Famsgiving, complete with Breitbart-reading paterfamilias, but with a rental car so that I can book it out of there at need. This year's Toast-inspired contribution is a Folger Library recipe for sweet potato pudding. You can't get sack with proper lead salts in anymore, so I'm swapping in oloroso sherry. And when I get home I may drink the rest of the bottle, depending on how the dinner goes.

  3. Heathered says:

    I am having an okay week! Bought a frozen dinner just to go full cat lady on the Thanksgiving alone thing, but I will make a gratitude list and also try and come up with affordable/DIY gift ideas for some people just to foster a sense of connection. I hope that piece falls into place in the new year, but for now I am trying to take it bit by bit.

  4. meat lord says:

    I'm getting better at talking about my emotions instead of stewing in them. Yay! …Of course, I'm being forced into it thanks to some ludicrous anxiety. Impostor syndrome is hitting me really hard at work; this is an easy, cushy job and yet I still manage to muck things up.

    I've made little packets of sautéed veg and put them in the freezer, since that seems to be the only way that I eat vegetables on the regular. And I'm trying to eat larger breakfasts, because hunger exacerbates my anxiety and I always wake up ravenous.

    On the political front, I've made a few small donations and left a couple messages with my reps. I think that's a pace I can go at for a long time–a little money here, a little money there, a couple phone calls and a letter or two per week.

  5. Merripat says:

    I attended my lovely great-aunt's birthday on Sunday, but came home with a sore throat that only got worse during the night. I barely made it through my recording session (I have a part-time radio job) and spent the rest of the day mostly in bed, meaning I didn't manage to read the texts for my three classes on Tuesday. I wasn't feeling too bad on Tuesday, but thought I'd better stay since I wasn't prepared anyway and had slept terribly.
    Definitely inteded to go again today since I had to give a presentation (that was actually scheduled for last week, but the lecturer is such a mess that we didn't have enough time) but woke up with a heavy and felt very weak and tired, even after a shower. Stayed home with the blessings of ToastieSlack, but am still feeling guilty – I've definitely been sicker before, and I always worry about "being sick enough". And since the seminar is so unorganised in general, and our presentation probably wasn't prepared very well, I felt like I just didn't want and used being sick as an excuse. Yeah. Great.

    Still thinking about which therapist to chose – the one offering psychoanalysis but by whom I felt a bit pressured (she also said "But you're so pretty, it doesn't make sense there's no one interested in you!" *eyeroll*) or the other one who offers regular talking therapy. Also called a male therapist (because analyst suggested it might be worth a try), but he didn't call back, so I guess that means he's out.

  6. Merripat says:

    Putting this in a second comment because the other one got too long:

    Last week's shenanigans included a housewarming party of a friend who was originally my brother's friend (and had an unrequited crush on him), years later met my other brother and had a fling with him; there's still unresolved tension. Now she's met my cousin with whom she's getting along very well.
    Also I met her brother years ago and thought he was really nice, talked to him at the party, thought we didn't have a lot to say to each other, but talked to my brother later who insists "He's just shy!" and – along with yet another friend – wants to set me up with him. Yeah. We'll see how that goes. I told him not to get his hopes up too high.
    My best friend said, while skyping this past weekend, "You're life's basically a soap opera", and I'm starting to think she's right.

  7. vladazhael says:

    Just over here trying to rewrite Hamilton with Silmarillion characters. Nothing weird or anything. *whistles innocently*

    Parental units have been in town since last Friday and will be here through this Friday, and apparently I'm enough of an adult now that I will miss them when they're gone. Ex also returns home from his extended new friends and new romantic interest trip that same day. Have been grappling with some mildly enhanced resentment and anger the past few days over his shiny new life adventures vs. my tiny little baby steps forward while just trying to keep my shit together, but while I don't particularly want this resentment (because it is exhausting and frustrating and largely unproductive), I recognize that it is some pretty normal shit to be going through under the circumstances and it would be even weirder and perhaps unhealthy to be entirely un-pissed off. Most of the time, it's fine and life goes on, but every once in a while it occurs to me that a dude I've moved to Bible Belt Hell with decided he needed to dump me for the second time this year and instead throw himself into being one of the popular kids at pretend wizard school, and now doesn't even have to deal with near the same level of emotional labor as I do with the breakup because he's already busy crawling up some 22-year-old's ass… and I think I get to be a little persnickety about that. 😉 But I deal with it in healthy ways (booze, judgy side-eye in private, internet rants), because for all his fuckery about this matter in particular I don't quite hate his guts. Not all of his guts, anyway. Non-romantically, he's still pretty okay, and I sure as fuuhuuuck know better (at least intellectually) than to try to get him back as a romantic partner, no matter how much of my comfort zone still corresponds to that dynamic. It will take time and patience to untangle myself fully, and while entangling myself in something else might speed that along, I am terribly ill-equipped to seek that out (as opposed to letting it fall into my lap in some far-off future) and not about to rush into the immense and probably counterproductive social anxiety hell of conventional, goal-oriented dating just so I can *maybe* find my own (probably ill-advised) emotional band-aid and he can follow his dick down the primrose path guilt-free knowing that I've "moved on".

    …Okay, that got a little more intense than I planned, but it's how I let shit out, so there it is. Life is actually not that dire, all said.

    Also, I bought my dad his first tattoo for his birthday, and I got another one myself at the same time. Mine says "Rise Up", because Hamilton and politics and post-breakup catharsis/determination.

    • CleverManka says:

      I fucking love everything about this comment and amazingly enough I don't have a gif that says that.

    • jenavira says:

      …I mean, you're sharing the Sil!Hamilton when you're done, right? Right?

    • Fancy_Pants says:

      Hamirillion OMG I want to spend all afternoon thinking/talking about this but I have to work 🙁

      Dude, you have every right to be bitter about that messed up situation. Do not feel obligated to be all Zen sunshine forgiveness healing bullshit. Talk about emotional labour geez. Rage away and let others do emotional labour for YOU for a change.

      • vladazhael says:

        "all Zen sunshine forgiveness healing bullshit"

        OH, no. No, definitely not that. Haha. Very little Zen here, for sure. 😉 I genuinely feel no pressure to forgive this at all, if it doesn't suit me, let alone do so anytime soon, and I have made neither statements nor implications to him of forgiveness being forthcoming. But I am trying to find a civil way forward and manage the situation sustainably, not so much for him or even for "us", but for myself. I refuse to throw even more of my life into chaos over his whims, I refuse to write him off as an irredeemable ass and validate a lower standard of behavior, and I refuse to disappear in a convenient huff.

        • Fancy_Pants says:

          Ahh gotcha. Gosh though "his shiny new life adventures vs your baby steps"–why is there no justice in this world? Rrghhhh! Resentment is totally normal.

          Good on you for staying civil though. Dignified Ice Queen is a goooooood look in the long run.

          • vladazhael says:

            "Dignified Ice Queen is a goooooood look in the long run."

            Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. I mean, if we can be/remain actual, open, supportive friends, even better – which looks possible, despite my venting – but I'm still going to have to wrestle with the darker stuff for the time being, and in that case I'm lettting "go high" be my guiding light. Anger can be a catalyst for change, but it can also be a pretty solid foundation for calmly and calculatedly standing your ground.

          • CleverManka says:

            Anger can be a catalyst for change, but it can also be a pretty solid foundation for calmly and calculatedly standing your ground.
            <img src="http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/clevermanka/1047329/111855/111855_original.gif"&gt;

    • meat lord says:

      HELLO UNEXPECTED CROSSOVERS 😀 I only know about Hamilton and the Silmarillion secondhand, but that still sounds boss, as does your new tattoo.

      Also: Resentment may not be a particularly fun emotion to have, but I'd say you're very much justified in feeling it @-@

    • Pantechnicon says:

      I don't have any tattoos but I have been very tempted lately to get a Rise Up! tattoo as well, for some of the same reasons. Will you share pictures of yours?

      • vladazhael says:

        If I ever get around to setting up a mechanism for sharing pics here, yes, but that's been on my to-do list for ages.

    • pseudonymica says:

      Fuck that guy! (Important note: figuratively, not literally). I'm giving him cyber side-eye because persnicketiness is more fun with a friend.

      I'm in a sort of limbo with my ex; I'm being friendly but very mindful of keeping the knife close to me so he can't stab my heart again. It's super fun being heartless when he starts to angle for more emotional labor than I'm willing to give. He's like, "I'm going to die!" and I'm like, "That's right! Just keep doing heroin." That is an actual word-for-word conversation we had. (I can't resist I"'m like/he's like" storytelling).

      • vladazhael says:

        "keeping the knife close to me so he can't stab my heart again"

        I used that exact metaphor (courtesy of you, from before) with my parents in the course of assuring them that our current peaceful domestic arrangement does not indicate any desire on my part to get the romantic relationship back. It's been a useful concept to keep in mind, and they were certainly glad to hear it stated so definitively.

        And I get that with the emotional labor attempts. Friendly is good, but self-care is better. Good on you for Not Having It with his dry begging. Fuck that guy as well!

  8. CleverManka says:

    I got all my errands run early this morning and then wound up with a fatigue headache and had to lie down for the rest of the morning. =/ But hey, I have enough groceries that I don't have to leave the house until Monday morning!

    I'm starting to crawl out of post-election emotional fatigue. Getting/accepting a little bit of my anger back. Talked about not using gendered attributes when discussing chakra energies (god that's even hard to type) in yoga class last weekend. Made a public resolution to attempt to perform the bridge function of Defend, Resist, Bridge. Really really ready for my physical energy levels to ramp up, even just a little, so I can do more than talk talk talk about stuff. I have plans to enroll in street medic training as soon as my body allows.

    • Merripat says:

      Is the chakra energies thing about the moon and the left side of the body being a representative for the female and the sun and the right side for the male?

      Also, I really hope you're getting better soon – not only for your own benefit, but so you can do all the things you want to do to help others. You're a good one, and we need people like you.
      And anger can be good. It fuels things, and gives energy.

      • CleverManka says:

        Yeah, the whole feminine-dark-yin-receptive vs. male-light-yang-expressive stuff. I'm fine with the idea dichotomies as a tool for meditation and self-analysis, but can we ditch the gendered values, please?

        I put this Tumblr post on the class FB group.

    • ru_ri says:

      Argh fatigue headache–that sucks. But it's good that you can look forward to a low-key weekend at home. I'm glad the post-election effects are shifting.

      That link is GREAT, thank you. I am forwarding to friends and family.

      Also, re: Bridging–I struggle still (a lot) with anger toward people who didn't vote for Hillary. Like, now that you understand what was at stake, was your "principled stand" really worth it, guys? But I'm really really really trying to let it go.

      So I've been trying to begin conversations with, "I know you love your country as much as I do. How can we work together to keep the Constitutional rights and freedoms we value in place and ensure that they protect all our citizens?" Unfortunately, this usually goes nowhere (maybe because the implicit "you racist motherfucker" is so loudly unsaid by me, oh dear, there's that anger again…).

      But then again the Human Stain's clear and unembarrassed dedication to using his new post to enrich himself is turning a lot of people off, so that's maybe a good place to start. Still have yet to convince someone to make a call to a legislator, though. 🙁

      Anyway, regardless of the pace at which your body comes back to you, please keep talk talk talking about stuff. I believe it may be the most helpful and important thing to be done at this point. (I know you know this, and I know we all are rarin' to get out there and DO, but I just wanted to say it!)

    • littleinfinity says:

      Thank you for that article! I hadn't heard it broken down that way, really like the framework.

      I have been making Thanksgiving food since this morning (going to a friend's house tomorrow, so pre-cooking a lot of things) … so many groceries.

      • CleverManka says:

        Yay! Glad you found the article helpful. It helped me realize I need to re-direct my anger if I can. It's not going to be easy, but nothing about this is going to be easy, so…

  9. jenavira says:

    I'm doing better this week. Still frustrated that the world is apparently terrible and that caring about it fiercely for two weeks doesn't fix all the problems, but you know. Patience has never been my strong suit.

    But I went to a Drinking Liberally meeting last night, and while the whole thing was significantly more Bernie Bro than I wanted it to be, it was still good fun (and very therapeutic to yell about politics with people who mostly agree with me), and if I want to get involved in local politics, hoo boy these are the people to hang out with. (That tumblr post about how there are always 50 open positions in local government? Well, I'm in the Chicago suburbs, and there was a guy there who's on two separate township boards, because they're that desperate for people.)

    Thanksgiving starts this afternoon; guests include my progressive mother, my father who started out life as a Republican and has managed to become a Democrat without changing his views at all, my anarchist friend, and my super-progressive younger sister. So at least I have that to look forward to.

    I need to remember to take my anxiety meds. They're "as needed" and I haven't needed them in a while, but I definitely do now.

  10. Doc_Paradise says:

    I *know* things are getting better. I can make lists of it… it's just… well… I'm really really sick of "new horrible revelations". It's working. I'm exhausted. It's working. I can see the shit more clearly. It's working. Ow that hurts. It's working. I *know* this is a good path, but…

    That said, I'm getting some satisfaction by helping out others in small ways I'm good at. I'm increasing my exercise because that is now possible (omg I hate exercise but I want muscles). I finally got paid (going on unpaid health leave got my pay fucked up) so that brightens things. I'm trying to draw everyday as an act of creativity and discipline. As a side effect, I'm discovering that it is helping me get out of the hamster wheel of my brain for half an hour a day. That's good.

  11. Fancy_Pants says:

    I managed to get some solid exercise in for the last four days in a row and have pulled myself out of my tiny depressive episode. Jk it's probably hormonal and I have only the illusion of control over my moods, but I feel better now and I'll take it!

  12. Kazoogrrl says:

    Here is the link to the fairie shoot, it's not what I wanted but it was fun and the pictures look good. I'm the one in the brown velvet dress with the HUGE cream and brown headdress.
    https://www.facebook.com/pg/CherylFairPhotography

    Right now I'm trying not to level my workplace and blast anyone who calls us as I deal with 2 1/2 weeks of having to be on the front lines of answering the phones because a coworker took off for the month. I have to hold on one more week. I also have All The Cooking to do for T-day, but then Sat our super seekrit podcast project is recording and that will be FUN. And probably DRUNK.

    I hope you get some well deserved rest this weekend!

  13. flitworth says:

    We submitted a draft of terms for an open adoption of our foster child. I have been unable to focus because the whole deal has been having various people traipse through our home or call about any number of things relating to foster child and so forth. Said child also has regular, disruptive biological family visits. Things stand very much in our favor but one never knows. Plus, dealing with a threenager.
    Thinking of dropping off a private Hillary fb page that was a great place pre-election but seems to be devolving into hyper-sensitivity and conspiracy theories. No thankyou.
    Other people's divorces and health issues have resulted in three different Thanksgiving events over three days, about which I am not thrilled.

  14. Pantechnicon says:

    I had a really good weekend in my new role as rabble-rouser. Thanks to all of you for the encouragement last week. I have never done anything like this before but I seem to be pretty good at it! 🙂

  15. flitworth says:

    If anyone needs a baseline for Thanksgiving Day horrors: One Thanksgiving in the early aughts was so bad that the highlight was actually when the hosts' dog started smoldering due to decorative floor candles (dog was 100% fine, just couldn't understand why owner chased her with a tea towel).

  16. CleverManka says:

    The Burgomaster is home from write group and I promised to spend the rest of the afternoon with him, so I'm checking out early. See you all tomorrow for Link Dump!
    <img src="http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/clevermanka/1047329/103658/103658_original.gif"&gt;

  17. pseudonymica says:

    I just got my first manicure (unless you count the time my aunt's friend needed to practice on someone when I was a little girl). I always thought I'd feel too weird having someone do that for me, but it turns out getting a manicure *does* feel nicely indulgent. (I always get memos either really late or way too early: for example, I just discovered the joys of YouTube a few weeks ago but I got my period years before my friends).

    Reading with an eye patch was too awkward to be a good solution for concussion related problems, but I have a new idea: children's books. I am totally a children's-book hipster who was a fan before it got popular, but for whatever reason I've gotten out of that habit. I think I was disenchanted by a few mediocre teen books. (Sorry Quirk Press, but the excess hype makes me more judgmental than I might otherwise be). Anyway, I got an E.L. Konigsburg book I haven't read and a few others. I recently aced a fourth grade reading test at vision therapy, so that's probably the level I should try.

  18. truffleuffagus says:

    Hi all! Haven't been present because I just remembered that you'd started this post-Toast. Thank you @clevermanka! I will add it to my reading list! Last week I interviewed for and got a new job but due to city bureaucracy it won't be approved by city council for two weeks and it's not allowed to be public knowledge. Gahhh… hard to sit on a secret like this!

  19. LaxMom says:

    well, my mom's oven broke, and she dropped 3 cherry pies, so I guess I can't complain. She managed to bake more pies by setting her oven to 540f.
    She has a turkey roaster so no worries on that.

    I am fried, fried, fried, and forgot my meds this morning and didn't realize it until noon (6 hours later) when I wanted to give up on life. Not good on a day I'm by myself except for the 2 1/2 hours of eating at mom's.

    I hate making powerpoints. I am building an online class. I didn't think this one through.

    I am really getting sick of being yelled at by teen boy in the morning, in the middle of the night, getting doors slammed on me all the time *while I am doing nothing worse than sleeping till 8:30 on my day off*–Grant me patience.
    (the one set of slamming doors I'm almost ok with, except that it came at 4 am as I was trying to *go* to bed and he was waking up with a penny stuck to his hair with chewing gum. I think I might slam doors, too. Except girl had also had a wierd nap and was waking up for the day at 3:30 am, so when he slammed the door she was in the shower and I sprinted out of bed thinking she was unconcious, and she jumped so much at the sound that she did fall in the shower and now her knee's messed up. 3 more weeks. I don't see sleep in my future.

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