Mid-week check-in

Clever Manka, · Categories: Check-In

This is the weekly post for those of us who are traversing together this hellscape called Personal Growth. Brag about this week’s accomplishments, ask for support, talk about what worked, what didn’t. Tell us how things are going for you.

117 Responses to “Mid-week check-in”

  1. CleverManka says:

    My FMLA request was approved. I'll be taking 12 weeks off work this summer (with an allowance to work a maximum of 4 hours/week from home). If this doesn't jump start my health engine, I'm not sure what I'll do. Cross your fingers for me.

    Tragically, this means I won't be going to Space Witch Camp. My first day scheduled back to work is August 14 (first day of our GTA orientation) and I feel like my first day back at work probably shouldn't come after a big trip. So that sucks. I'm fucking tired of sacrificing/quitting things because of my health. Hopefully this will be the last push to get me over the hill, though.

    Unrelated, a friend of mine (seriously, a friend, this is not for me) is looking into herbal remedies for anxiety and depression. I thought I'd ask my Too Witches people for suggestions. Anyone got resources pretty please?

  2. Flitworth says:

    I was so irked after yesterday's zoning board mtg that all my fist shaking launched me to my fitbit goal.

    I may have mentioned that at a town mtg last year, someone mysteriously stood up and stated that ledge in a particular area would disappear?

    I'm about 85% sure that same person cornered me about the current town battle over zoning and gave me a 'what about the children?!' line regarding the possibility that heroine addicts could be making use of a counseling center that moved to town to do animal based therapy. Said person was annoyed that I said I wasn't concerned and informed me that the person running this place is a con artist who didn't pay employees and that she had been checking up on him. Because, of course, the kind of person who would talk to a stranger from another town about things that are not their business and can be addressed by the law is exactly the person to trust in their evaluation of other people. I told her that if she had proof of this she should absolutely go to the town paper with it.

    The good news is that finally someone was willing to say what they meant: they're prejudiced against the kinds of people they imagine will be making use of the facility. As it stands, most have been hiding behind concerns about zoning and just moving the goalposts as needed. My main issue with the group that have brought this up is that they aren't honest about the process. They are prejudiced and they have no interest in doing anything but running this organization out of town.

    Common argument from residents: I don't understand a thing so it's suspicious or not valid. Guys, failure to logic is one of my biggest pet peeves. I hope the local access tv didn't catch me rolling my eyes.

    • Kazoogrrl says:

      "I hope the local access tv didn't catch me rolling my eyes."

      I kind of hope they did. 😉

      • Flitworth says:

        Oh gurrrrl, no. I am sure I made enemies as it was because I stood up and told them that animal based therapy was absolutely a thing and that it has a long history in other countries and states. I think I was polite but the ultimate message was that just because you don't know about a thing doesn't mean it isn't real. I also pointed out that if they run this guy out of town they should think seriously about the repercussions because the property in question already has some agricultural limits and is a half million $. There's not many people in a position to afford that and want to invest in maintaining the acreage. The neighbors contributed to the fall of the farm that previously occupied the property (primarily it was not well run). Farming is hard AF and few people seem willing to do more than pay lip service to its value to the community.

        • Kazoogrrl says:

          Hello! Everyone wants their local agricultural fantasy without the reality!

        • damngoodcoffee says:

          just because you don't know about a thing doesn't mean it isn't real.

          This makes me so uggggggghhhhh. I had a conversation with my dad recently that just ended up w/me (practically shouting) 'the world didn't start when you were born!'

    • littleinfinity says:

      Failure to logic is the WORST.

      <img src="https://media.giphy.com/media/B4ORVnBvJCVvq/giphy.gif"&gt;

  3. Kazoogrrl says:

    I want to say thank you to everyone's kind thoughts last week. My mom is doing loads better, though we're trying to get her to go into a rehab facility to help her get back on her feet (and so my dad can go back to work and stop annoying her by fussing all the time). I think she could also use some mental health care for depression, and it's something I want to address with her soon.

    The weekend at the beach was low key and awesome and helped me recharge, so thank you to everyone who encouraged me to do that.

    I had some long talks with a friend who was recently diagnosed with ADD, thorough enough that I'm thinking of getting myself checked out for it. I'm wondering if some of my anger/irritability, lack of initiative, and life management issues could have a root cause. It wouldn't surprise me, my brother definitely has undiagnosed ADD, and my nephew may also, and I see some of my traits in my mom, so maybe? If not, I could probably use some help coping with these things, especially the anger part.

    • CleverManka says:

      Best wishes with the ADD diagnosis stuff! The Burgomaster's life got so much easier once he got on Adderall (and he didn't get a diagnosis until he was in his 40s).

      Glad to hear your mom is doing better. Thank you for the update!

    • jennifer says:

      I am feeling you so hard on the ADD thing – I am coming to terms w the fact I'm undiagnosed and have been for a long time, which is/will be hard around people that sortof dismiss the whole thing as crap and throw ADD-type behaviors in my face as "making them feel ignored", etc… but yes irritability, sucking at goals and sucking at managing time and life… huge yes.

      good thing 1 is you have space here to rant at least – hey twice a week, right?

      good thing 2 is fuck I dunno. Rx drugs for ADD are way more advanced and there are more to choose from… oh and also you have an excuse to drink loads of coffee because supposedly it will help you focus.

      guess who only had 1/2 a cup of coffee today and should be working and is late on deadlines NOT ME NO

    • Lynn says:

      I'm so glad she's doing better! Fingers crossed you can have that discussion about mental health soon. I come from a family with rampant depression et al. issues and I think we've become somewhat better about addressing it but it's still not easy to bring up.

      I used to work for a family therapist that was also trained in ADD testing and it was astounding how many times we'd see a child who was referred for testing and one of the parents would end up being tested and diagnosed as well (usually the mom — women are underdiagnosed for ADD because the symptoms don't manifest the same way). Also my boyfriend just got himself tested and was diagnosed with both that and mild depression, so definitely something to look into.

      • Kazoogrrl says:

        My boyfriend, who was diagnosed as a kid, has often made casual comments about how I act in certain situations. My friend, a woman, has many more of the classic-for-women symptoms, and when talking about it with her there were some things that ticked boxes for me. I was a kid who played by the rules, put in minimal effort but did well in school, and wasn't particularly active, so if I do have it, it slid by unnoticed.

    • Absotively says:

      I've also been thinking about getting checked for ADD.

      The main problem at the moment is that I need a new doctor, and the same lack of initiative that makes me think I might have ADD also makes it hard to convince myself to find someone and make an appointment :\.

      • Kazoogrrl says:

        Let's not talk about my inability to deal with medical stuff unless it's an acute crisis.

        • Absotively says:

          I go to a dental practice where they encourage me to make my next appointment while I'm there, six months in advance. I'm now doing fine at seeing the dentist regularly. I go to an eye doctor whose receptionist phones me and says "it's time for your next appointment, what time should I make your appointment for?" I'm now doing fine at seeing the eye doctor regularly.

          But my current doctor switched to only seeing people on a walk-in basis, and I simply cannot drag myself there without an advance commitment, to wait two hours in the waiting room and then maybe not even get to see her. It's impossible.

          And then she scolds me for not having seen her to follow up on stuff when I should have.

          • CleverManka says:

            A PCP with a walk-in only policy? Wow, that is some serious bullshit, there. Nope. What, she's trying to shed patients?

          • Absotively says:

            I mean, that sounds like a good theory, especially since she made the change when she came back from mat leave and severely reduced her hours, but the one time I went to another doctor at the same clinic for some kind of follow up, she scolded me about how I should follow up with the same doctor I originally saw, rather than, like, suggesting that I switch to the other doctor.

            She's at one of those big chain clinics that seem to be a thing now where walk-in only is not that uncommon. But I probably would have looked for a different doctor if she hadn't taken appointments when I started seeing her. There are other doctors accepting new patients near me, including some who would be easier to get to, so I really should just pick one and make an appointment.

            I didn't even mention the most annoying part: Her hours vary from week to week, aren't available more than a few days before the start of the week, and can only be obtained by phoning the clinic. And sometimes they don't answer the phone.

            Like I said, impossible.

          • CleverManka says:

            Oh my god, health care is a nightmare.

          • Absotively says:

            I mean, on the plus side, I'm in Canada, so at least this mess hasn't cost me money.

  4. Heathered says:

    I'm in the middle of annual medical foofaraw, which always freaks me out, and woke up to learn the decent-paying writing gig I quit a lot of my little grindlets for has folded. Saw it coming, still in shock. I'm going to make a bunch of origami and try to knit something today, then try to get through all these appointments in one piece, and then I guess I'm looking for a job-job. Yowza.

  5. FriendOfDaja says:

    I'm packing up for my move on Saturday! Overwhelming, but at least it's just one room, and it'll be a better situation.

    My big win for the week is that I think I've talked my mom into going to a therapist! Every since she and my dad split up a few months ago, we've been having conversations where she keeps saying she's having more bad days than good ones, etc, and I keep telling her that talking to someone is just like going to a doctor if you have an injury. Our family has a pretty strong taboo against talking about/acting on mental health care, so I'm impressed that she made the decision at all.

    Of course, now that she's doing that, I have to get my butt in gear and set up an appointment for myself, since I've been talking about it since last fall.

    Also: it's finally spring!!!

  6. vladazhael says:

    Things I have done today:
    – got up way too early
    – to get into work early (but juuuust late enough to scare my boss)
    – to do a presentation for potential customers from central Asia
    – which I rocked
    – in my dress with physics equations on it, from here: https://svahausa.com/
    – and afterward I wrote an email and a postcard about this: https://www.facebook.com/indivisible5thalabama/po

    Things I still need to do today:
    – my actual work, maybe
    – unless I spend the rest of the day studying project management, which is also legit
    – and at some point maybe the shop will call my about what's up with my truck's brakes, and hopefully get it back to me in time to haul my amp for this weekend's show
    – and meanwhile cross my fingers that the brake sensor on the Nova really has finally reset itself
    – and maybe trivia tonight, if I don't have to go retrieve a vehicle
    – and also I should probably scrounge up a present for my pseudo-niece's 1st birthday, which is today, but she won't care that it arrirves late because she's a baby (theory: children are born with non-working memories to give their loved ones time to catch up with birthdays without insulting them)

  7. littleinfinity says:

    I am having a bit of an up-and-down week. I think last week I was talking about "how do you know when something is good enough"… my work is definitely trending in the not-good-enough direction. Both the projects we're being given, and frankly, my level of motivation/ productivity. I want my job to go back to being motivating and interesting like it was when I first started here. Seriously, I used to really like it, but our mission as a department has drifted and we're all being given a lot of work that is not necessarily in our respective wheelhouses. I like all my coworkers and my boss, which is great, but I just feel like I'm not really doing what I was trained to do or what I want to be doing. But what with trying to plan and budget for a wedding (which, harder than it should be), and being the primary winner of bread, I really don't WANT to switch jobs right now. So… bleh? Bleh.

    I went to the gym on Monday, which was very responsible of me… then last night I baked flourless chocolate cake and double chocolate banana bread, wheeee. I did bring them to work so as not to shove my face into the middle of the cake and eat my way out, but I semi-regret that decision tbh. It's really good cake… the only ingredients are sugar, water, eggs, butter, and dark chocolate :O

    • CleverManka says:

      Bleh, indeed. That's a sucky place to be in, job-wise. When is the wedding? Can you stick it out through then?

      That cake sounds amazing omg.

      • littleinfinity says:

        The wedding is not till next spring around this same time (Feb/ March/ April ish, don't have dates yet).  So… we'll see?  Right now my plan, such as it is, is to keep an eye on the job boards and see if anything good pops up.  It's just a difficult call because it's okay in the short term, and I'm not in a place financially (even aside from wedding costs) to throw up my hands and quit without a solid plan B, but on the other hand I keep getting more frustrated with each new project.  I think I also need to see if I can somehow figure out whether there will be some sort of pivot where we go back to the kind of work we were doing 1-2 years ago, or if this is just how it will be from now on.  I could definitely stick it out if the end was in sight.

      • littleinfinity says:

        I ended up posting the recipe in a reply to dancingcorvid below 😀

    • Flitworth says:

      Don't admit to anyone that you are purchasing something for a wedding! Instant price increase.

      On the bright side, you can arrange a lot of sampling excursions and get free cake/appetizers…..

      Hmm….have you considered just re-living the proposal at different venues to try and score free drinks/dessert?

      /Deep Thoughts

      • littleinfinity says:

        Hahaha, I had not thought of that ploy but that is… actually brilliant.

        Yeah, the wedding price gouging is real. I think I'm going to do a lot of DIY for things like decor, etc. Luckily the rustic look is in 😉

    • damngoodcoffee says:

      I just had lunch and I still want that cake rn.

      I'm sorry you're in that place, job-wise. And it's a big deal to switch jobs, so I definitely get not wanting to at the moment. I hope something changes that makes it more motivating/interesting for you!

  8. damngoodcoffee says:

    TMI medical (ob-gyn) stuff in reply.

    • damngoodcoffee says:

      So I had my annual exam w/my PCP today, who also does my gynecological checkup. I have had a bad experience with her in the past, where she gave me a pap that really hurt, and she just said it was b/c my hymen was still partially intact, despite the fact that I've had painless paps before.

      Anyway, this time she actually explained that ob/gyn's have smaller/thinner specula that would work better for me (after another painful exam). Which, y'know, I would have appreciated more if she told me last year, but whatever.

      Additionally, in the form I had to fill out before going in, they asked for a 'preferred gender (for sexual partners)' and I, being ace, decided to write neither. She told me I skipped the question and then gave me this really skeptical look when I corrected her. I didn't use the word asexual, but I really think she thought I was lying to her. She just made this kind of disbelieving noise and then went on with it. I do think that she was really trying to be helpful/compassionate, but I don't need my doctor to make me feel weird/insecure, ever, but especially if it has nothing to do with my actual health. Same goes for when she said 'you're so skinny, I can feel your ribs!' even though my weight is in a healthy range (for as accurate as BMI can be, anyway).

      So yeah, will be looking for an ob/gyn for next year, but at least this year's appointment is over with.

      Other stuff? IDEK, I'll probably think of something by Friday's OT, anyway. 🙂

  9. jenavira says:

    I've been doing hurry-up-and-wait weeding and shifting at work this week, plus the weather being nice (and new podcasts coming out, S-Town is SO GOOD) has gotten me walking a lot, so I'm pretty well physically exhausted, which also means I'm relatively happy. (I highly recommend exercise as a natural cure for depression, it does a very good job shutting up the racing thoughts. Not sufficient, for me, but it does help.)

    And I am drinking a damn fine cup of coffee, so.

  10. Fancy_Pants says:

    Last night was my final lecture for the course I'm teaching! It was a half-assed final exam review that mostly consisted of me telling them to go work on the example review problems I gave them, which will be more useful at this point than anything I can tell them in a lecture.

    Turns out teaching is like most anything else–difficult, stressful, tedious, with tiny flashes of satisfaction sprinkled in. LAXmom, how is your teaching going? Are you finished/almost done as well?

    • LaxMom says:

      omigosh, I wish. This is our spring break–8 more weeks in the semester. I'm trying to do 3 classes worth of problem sets/field work (classes I'm taking), and I *should* be grading labs and writing the exam that my students take next week while I'm traveling. Yeah, not written.
      I am close-ish to finishing the paper/map work for my presentation next week (not the presentation itself, haven't started that).
      I am close-ish to finishing the contract work for the online class that I'm designing from the ground up. I just cannot deal with writing any more multiple choice questions about archaeological remote sensing. However, with 7 quizzes written for that class, I should have a good base for the exam for the in – person class.
      LOL, was that too much of an answer?

      • Fancy_Pants says:

        Whew! You have a LOT going on. That's an understatement. Your life is bonkers. So you are taking 3 grad classes, teaching a class AND doing course content/design work for a different class? That would be hard to manage even if, say, you had a butler and full housekeeping staff at your disposal.

        Good luck with all that! I'm rooting for you! If you ever need a break, there is no shame in doing an occasional informal tutorial/review period if you can't manage to prep a formal lecture.

        • LaxMom says:

          Thankfully the semester from here on out is labs and project work in the class I"m teaching. Not that that makes it easy, but it does make it a LOT less formal and doesn't require 16 more lectures, thank god. It's a 32 person lab/software/analysis class, and I do much better running around the classroom helping people one of one than I do with brand-new lectures. It's been an experience, for sure. After 13 years of the same professor/lectures, I got thrown into this in November and I have rebuilt the in person class from the ground up, and the online one is a brand new development. I mostly met the goals I set for myself, but it's hard to follow my advisor, who's been the one doing this class since they began it. (she got made provost).

  11. LaxMom says:

    Spring break hedonism: I took a 3 mile walk on Monday. Drank 10 oz of a 12 oz hard cider. Have been sleeping in until 8 am. Woohoo!! And today I ate 3 pieces of pizza for lunch

    Need to stay majorly focused and increase the productivity in order to get the rest of my schoolwork done (some field work, major grading papers, writing 2 quizzes and an exam, and doing 2 geology problem sets. On top of writing the paper, making the 3d geological maps, and writing the powerpoint for my trip to BOSTON on Wednesday!)
    Papers get signed for the house today. This has involved taking money out of my IRA, which is so not cool and I'm really struggling with. However just found a hole in my bedroom ceiling when it rained yesterday (from the tree that fell), so I'm ready to move away from this rental.

    I'm having issues with seeing person I never want to see again –in my head when I'm asleep. I need something to do to be kind to myself/reset my brain rather than feel like I've been raped by my sub conscious in my sleep. Ideas?

    Having issues with being at the grad school/negative income-ish stage in my 40's, it's scary. I know I don't want to bail but this so doesn't make sense financially and it's hard to justify to myself.

    Teenboy cut his hair. But didn't shave himself bald, yay!
    More after I go get my car from the shop.

    • CleverManka says:

      I have no ideas on controlling your subconscious–sorry. Hope the trip to Boston goes great and best wishes calming yourself about the money stuff.

      • LaxMom says:

        I have given up tryingto influence/prevent the subconscious crap–but it would help if I had something concrete I could do rather than shudder in the shower when I wake up. Like when you write down everything that's rotten about a guy after a breakup and then burn it? Except I can't really be having fire rituals inside all the time. I need something physical to signal rejecting the brain stupidity.

  12. dancingcorvid says:

    I am in a room overlooking the Caribbean, which is an insanely beautiful color, and it is warm and partly sunny and we are travelling with friends, and I ahve reached some kind of accomodation with my body because I ahve been tellign myself (more or less hoursly) for the last several days "The way to ahve a cute belly is to find your belly, and look at it, and say 'cute belly!' – there, you have a cute belly" and it seems to be almost working. At any rate, I ahve been swimming a LOT because the beach is Right There, and wearing an old suit without crying putting it on or apologizing to anyone about wearing it. This feels HUGE, and nice. Also I slept all afternoon yesterday. Also also we are testing every single rum punch and pina colada offreed in the area.

    The minor quibbles are that I am too hot almost all the time, and a group of four that is reconnecting itself as well as on vacation takes a verra long time to arrive at decisions. I remain remarkably driven for someone on vacation, and I am attemptint to take it out on my sketchbook.

    Warm weather means all the lizards move at light speed. And there are wild iguanas, who also move quickly.

    I am working on not being online but I wanted to say hi because Wednesday. I love you all. Strength to you til the weekend takes us.

    Littleinfinity may i please have the recipe for that cake because I kind of want some now too….

    • CleverManka says:

      I'm so happy for you in your room overlooking the Caribbean with your cute belly and not apologizing for your swimsuit! Thank you for stopping by and DRINK FOR ME PLEASE.

    • littleinfinity says:

      Ask and you shall receive! The instructions are long but it's actually super simple, the only tricky part is the pan of hot water. Caribbean vacation and rum punch sounds lovely 🙂

      Bête Noire/ Flourless Chocolate Cake (my mom’s adaptation of Lora Brody’s recipe)

      8 oz unsweetened baking chocolate
      1 cup (2 sticks) butter, room temperature
      5 large eggs, room temperature
      1 ⅓ cup granulated sugar, divided into 1 cup and ⅓ cup
      ½ cup water
      At least 1 quart hot water

      You will need: a 9-inch cake pan (not springform); wax or parchment paper; a medium/large saucepan; a whisk or eggbeaters; a broiler or roasting pan large enough to hold the cake pan; a cookie sheet or large cutting board; plastic wrap; a cake plate or 10-in cardboard circle.

      1.While you prepare the cake, heat at least 1 quart of water to a simmer.
      2.Cut a 9-inch circle of wax paper (using the cake pan as a guide). Grease the cake pan, both bottom and sides, then cover the bottom with the wax paper circle and grease that as well. Preheat oven to 350° with the rack in the center.
      3.Crack the eggs into a large bowl. Add ⅓ cup of sugar.
      4.Put the remaining 1 cup sugar into a heavy saucepan, and add the ½ cup water. Heat over high heat, bring to a boil, and let boil for 2 minutes.
      5.Take the saucepan off the heat and dump the chocolate into it, then return to LOW heat. Stir until the chocolate has almost entirely melted, then add the 2 sticks of butter, a few tablespoons at a time. Stir until all butter is melted and incorporated. Set aside to cool slightly (it may be quite warm when it’s added to the eggs, that’s okay as long as you beat fast).
      6.With a whisk or eggbeaters, beat the egg/sugar mixture in the bowl, just a couple of minutes. Gradually add the chocolate mixture, and beat slowly, only until the mixture is incorporated and no strands of egg appear.
      7.Pour the mixture into the prepared 9-inch pan, and place that pan inside the larger roasting pan. Slide the two pans into the oven, then carefully pour hot water into the larger roasting pan – this makes a bain-marie to cook the chocolate mixture very gently without burning, like a custard.
      8.Bake for 30 minutes.
      9.Remove the cake pan carefully (watch out for the hot water – you can remove some with a turkey baster before taking the pan out, if you like). Place the pan on a cooling rack and let cool for 10 minutes. Meanwhile, get out a cookie sheet, a piece of plastic wrap at least 10 inches in diameter, and your serving plate/ cake circle.
      10.When the cake has cooled for 10 minutes, run a sharp knife around the edge to loosen the cake. Then spread the plastic wrap on top of the cake pan, and place the cookie sheet on top of that. Using potholders, flip the whole thing over so the cake comes out of the pan upside down. Remove pan and wax paper. Then take your serving plate/ cake circle and carefully center it over the upside-down cake. Place it gently on the cake, and then flip the whole thing over again. Now the cookie sheet is on top. Remove the cookie sheet and plastic wrap, and let the cake cool completely on the serving plate, placed on top of a cooling rack.
      11.When cool, the cake is delicious all by itself, or with whipped cream and fresh fruit. It also looks great topped with powdered sugar.
      12.Refrigerate leftover cake – it keeps forever in the fridge as long as you wrap it well.

    • Fancy_Pants says:

      YAY for you! The belly acceptance stuff is So Hard, and definitely keeps me away from swimming even though no one cares and vanity is for the young and foolish, etc, etc. You are doing great.

      Go have fun! Enjoy the heat for all of us. It is snowing right now where I live D:

    • LaxMom says:

      After 3 10 lb babies the ONLY way I'll have a cute belly is through your method, I'll definitely start that right now!! 🙂

      Enjoy the water and sun and soak up the heat like a lizard. That's what I wish I was doing.

      (that was meant to be under dancingcorvid, oh well)

    • Kazoogrrl says:

      This sounds so nice, and thank you for stopping in!

    • Räven says:

      Never apologize for the swimsuit! (Also on that list, imho, never apologize for the state of one's house, or the food one is serving to guests… both of which I really still need to work on.) This sounds great, and reminds me of that sweet passage by Anne Lamott about perfectionism, and missing out on years of good things by waiting to be ready for them. I think swimming is literally one of her examples. Enjoy the water, and the punch, and the sketching.

    • RoseCamelia says:

      You are a goddess. Your beauty is fierce, with infinite power radiating through your limbs out to your fingers and toes, originating from your perfectly cute belly.

      Anyone who disagrees can fight me.

  13. Onymous says:

    Had a sexual assault/consent training/workshop thingy today that the college made mandatory.

    spent the hour and a half crying off and on, not entirely sure why.

    • CleverManka says:

      Yikes. That sounds rough. I hope you have local support if you need it.
      <img src="http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/clevermanka/1047329/356472/356472_original.gif"&gt;

    • RoseCamelia says:

      Oh Onymous, I'm sorry. You don't have to figure this out by yourself. Please give the campus counselors a try. There's no downside. Even if they have little to offer, it's good to set aside the time to consider this situation. You deserve to be heard, to feel valued. ::Toasthugs::

      • Onymous says:

        Oh it wasn't that dramatic…

        The sort of… what ran through my brain as I was trying to process it in real time was the same sort of emotions when I consider the seemingly insurmountable distance between me and any sort of relationship and the gallows humor of knowing that I never need to worry about the possible ambiguity of consent because I am sufficiently terrified of any situation that would involve navigating consent that I would have ran away and hid several hours before hand.

        But I mean, that's pretty typical of me, I consider both of those things on an hourly basis anyway, so even though that's kind of what my brain coughed up as an reason it doesn't feel adequate to explain why I was crying that time and not all the other times through out the day/week/life that I reckon with it.

        • RoseCamelia says:

          No drama assumed. I stand by my comment. Your feelings of insurmountable distance, terror, thoughts of running & hiding, recurring hourly thoughts, all that you reckon with — these are excellent fodder for counseling, with no downside, only benefit for you. You deserve to be heard, to feel valued.

  14. LaxMom says:

    Forgot:keys to new house are handed over tonight. I am trying hard not to panic. We really need to paint and….not thinking about it, have too much else to do right now…

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