Mid-week check-in

Clever Manka, · Categories: Check-In

This is the weekly post for those of us who are traversing together this hellscape called Personal Growth. Brag about this week’s accomplishments, ask for support, talk about what worked, what didn’t. Tell us how things are going for you.

192 Responses to “Mid-week check-in”

  1. CleverManka says:

    I'm having a difficult time resting, which should come as no surprise. I'm not entirely sure what I did over the weekend to wear me out so much but I took a three hour nap on Monday and while I obviously needed the rest, I shouldn't have needed the rest if you know what I'm saying. I have got to crack down on this resting business. I had a zillion vials of blood drawn this morning (and submitted some pee) but I think the rest of today will be spent on the couch. Yay.

    I am sleeping better, so that's nice! Only waking up once or twice in the night instead of every other (or every) hour and I can usually fall back asleep fairly quickly. My appetite is back, too, which is good but I feel like I'm eating a lot of food for someone who is doing nothing to burn it off. I had hoped to incorporate light exercise this week but after Monday's nap-a-thon maybe not. *sigh*

    • Heathered says:

      Rest is that weird paradoxical thing–it should be easy, since you're not doing anything! But suddenly your dusty baseboards are crying out for a Swiffering and it seems REALLY FUN to clean! Or do pointless errands! Or just DO! You may have to use your muscly Pikachu muscles to be all, Netflix! Sofa! RARR! Better sleep is a good sign, but keep the gentleness going. You don't deserve to be bored and listless, but if it's a pathway to feeling better on the far side of it all, that's a great incentive to buckle down and flake out.

      • CleverManka says:

        Pointless errands are THE BEST. But yeah, I gave myself a week of that and now it's time to Get Down To Business and start this business of recovery. Maybe I'll watch something on my laptop today (with headphones since the Burgomaster is home). I've already got through half of the Samantha Irby book I picked up last week. It's hard to not just read the whole thing in one sitting.

      • damngoodcoffee says:

        Seconding that entire last sentence. Rest can actually be an incredibly productive thing, because of how necessary it can be. I've never thought about it quite that way before. I hope that it starts to come easier soon, though, CM.

    • RoseCamelia says:

      Manka, "should" is not your friend. That word belongs to judgmental people, not you. What you need is what you need. But I understand the frustration. It will be good to find a predictable stasis. So glad you have time away from work to fill your needs.

    • jenavira says:

      Would it help to think of yourself as LARPing the life of a Lady of Leisure? Get a filmy nightgown and lounge about dramatically and read enough novels to thoroughly corrupt your brain?

    • Xolandra says:

      I take three hour naps on the regular, and that after 8+ hours of sleep a night. Every body has different needs, darlin.

      Q: do you sleep with an eye mask? I have recently made the change to sleeping with one and it has made an enormous difference in the number of times I wake up at night, and the amount of time it requires for me to get back to sleep. Apparently all that ambiant light has been ruining my sleep for ages and I just didn't notice.

      • CleverManka says:

        I usually put mine on if I wake up around 3am, but the only times I wear it all night is when I'm in a hotel room. Maybe I'll try putting it on when I go to sleep the first time! Will try it tonight.

    • Doc_Paradise says:

      Go you! Rest like a BADASS!

    • pseudonymica says:

      Your body is demanding healing tribute and you are providing it.

    • Lee Thomson says:

      Sleeping fixes many of my problems, here's hoping it will help with yours as well.

      • CleverManka says:

        Thank you! Also, thank you for that link to E-Prime in a different comment thread. I used to incorporate that into my daily speaking, but haven't thought about it in years. I much appreciate the reminder!

  2. jenavira says:

    I've been saying for years that when I finally really grok how much I've lost because of living in a heteronormative, ableist society my rage is going to be unfathomable, and I think I'm finally getting there. I don't have time for it this week, I'm going to WisCon tomorrow, but I'm gonna need to clear my schedule for some serious mental processing in the next few weeks.

    (…does anyone have any advice for this kind of thing? I'm feeling out new therapists, but regular therapy would put a serious crimp in my budget right now, so any books/websites/practices people have found useful in processing anger (and sexuality/gender stuff) would be extremely helpful.)

    • Heathered says:

      This may be an oversimplification, but it's one of the first things I took away from therapy last fall–it's for overheated feelings in the moment, not the whole systemic shebang. Write down what you're feeling and either put the paper inside a book you literally shelve, or my preference, put it in a symbolic compost pile or recycle bin to remind yourself that you can use that energy for something that serves your needs. I'm sure others here will have more targeted resources.

    • CleverManka says:

      Have a great time at WisCon!

      I've been a pretty angry person my entire life and have never had to deal with suddenly revealed onsets of rage so I'm afraid I'm not much help with that aspect. When I was able to actually do stuff with my life, though, I used that anger energy for a lot of activist stuff–writing letters, calling, heck, even making art and dancing. But since anger was my normal default setting, I could easily be angry and happy at the same time. Which sounds like that's not the case for you. Best wishes finding how to navigate that for yourself.

      • jenavira says:

        I have found that I can channel anger into activism pretty effectively, and that makes me happy, but it leaves me drained afterward. I think part of the processing is readjusting my expectations. (I have this weird idea of "normal" and what my life "should" be like and…I think I need to find a way to give that up.)

        • meat_lord says:

          I have this weird idea of "normal" and what my life "should" be like and…I think I need to find a way to give that up.

          That is a really wise and healthy thing for you to realize, and I wish you luck in it. 'Should' is no one's friend.

        • CleverManka says:

          ahhhh. Yeah, feeling drained afterward isn't ideal. One thing I've learned thanks to chronic illness is letting go of what I want my life to be or attaching any "shoulds" to life/expectations in general. Shitty way to learn that but I guess it worked.

      • vladazhael says:

        Yeah, I was going to say… um… maybe just live as an angry person? As long as you're not ruining your life over it or making yourself truly unwell, it's okay to be in a sustained state of pissed off. There are plenty of legit reasons out there to be mad.

        • jenavira says:

          Yeah, it's the process of getting there that's rough. I've always been a very laid back, go-along-to-get-along type of person who can always see both sides of an argument. And that's valuable, but I have finally reached my limit of what I can cope with, and that means that I am either nonfunctional or so repressed I can feel myself vibrating. Neither of which is helpful.

          • vladazhael says:

            Ah, true. I imagine it can be quite the shake-up if you're not used to just existing at a low boil all the time. I'm afraid I can't recommend much in the way of coping resources, but I can at least say that it's possible to find a balance where you're letting the outrage have its say without letting it destroy you.

          • jenavira says:

            That is good to know. I'll get there eventually.

          • LaxMom says:

            When I'm at a low boil I just figure I"m channeling (or LARPing, to continue the above thread) some angry socially relevant punk rocker from NYC with no fucks for anybody. Yeah, it may seem weird to be this angry about political stuff in Target with yoga pant moms and skinny college girls in leggings, but if I was a punk rocker, or an angsty poet, or ……, it would totally be in character. I just try to look at myself as being out of the place/time my body happens to inhabit ATM, and let the inner punk rocker/angry poet/eco-warrier rage. Then I try to figure out later how to satisfy the inner one w/out jeopardizing my cover as an ordinary mom.

          • Lee Thomson says:

            Embracing the aggravation helped me and my older kid in different ways.

            I work well from aggravation and exasperation – it helps channel my energy into doing things rather than sitting and fretting. It has, to a certain extent propelled my career as an artist as well. Which feels amusing in part because of the people who blather on about bliss or passion.. I am deeply dubious of those emotions, while I recognize and can embrace aggravation.

            Also go-along/get-along people are easy to hang with but are maybe not so easy within themselves? Speaking entirely for myself here – once I started expressing preferences more often, and got more defensive about my own time, I was labelled as "difficult" and I had a nicer time of pretty much everything.

            Have you run across E-Prime as a way of speaking English? I ask because using E-Prime in writing and in speaking forced me to use creative and personal language, and helped me clarify for myself what motivated me. There is a quick outline of it here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E-Prime and I have talked enough.

          • Heathered says:

            Ugh, I can relate so hard to this. I am a perfect (rural) juror because I'm so invested in fairness, but then things build up and I snap and yell at my friends about some offshoot band from Camper van Beethoven really angrily. It's so hard to make the right peg fit the appropriate hole.

        • damngoodcoffee says:

          I get this- something that definitely makes my justified anger worse is when I then get mad at myself for being angry. One thing that really helps me is accepting my anger as not something that is inherently bad or wrong, and giving myself a break about it.

          I would also recommend just trying to see a therapist of one or two sessions, if you can, and focusing those sessions on coping strategies. I've done that before in times of increased anxiety and it has really helped.

    • meat_lord says:

      Hmm. I'll try to think of some specific bloggers who might help with the gender and sexuality part… (Can't send you wading into the hellscape of intracommunity queer discourse, that would suck.)

      When it comes to processing anger, uh, you can always do what I did and create a character who is the monstrous/badass embodiment of Rage Against The Heteropatriarchy, then turn her loose to commit fictional mayhem and sate your bloodlust? (Sort of a joke, but also…. not.)

      • jenavira says:

        ahahahaha no I am already in plenty queer discourse, some of it's helping, some of it…not so much. (I love intracommunity disagreement, it's incredibly valuable and interesting, but sometimes it is not the most helpful when you are dealing with Personal Stuff)

        You know, that's not a bad idea. Every space opera needs a planetkiller, right? Right.

    • Xolandra says:

      O hai, anger issues, I has/d them. When I was at my lowest/saddest/rageist, people were incredulous at the level of anger I had at my fingertips, and the extraordinarily little it took to get me to go off the deep end. I used to say that I ascribed to the Jason Lee school of humour; just yell angrily about a thing until you get a laugh. I got a lot of laughs.

      It worked really well until I went from "channeling rage for humour" to just… existing at a simmer. That last was exhausting, and I was sad/mad all of the time. When I got to the point where I just felt too shitty all of the time to even be funny, my instrument saved me; whenever I found myself obsessing over a rage inducing thing, I would sit at my piano and do a thing that i find hard, because that uses up ALL of my brain space. A meditative yoga practice helped, too. Both are about interrupting a thought process in a non-judgmental way, you know?

      Eventually, my brain just… stopped being angry all of the time, and that was real nice. Now I can find my rage for when i need, for example, to yell at cis men about a woman's right to choose, but I can also leave it be when I get into a fight with my manager that about the difference between networking and patriarchy and how what looks like one actively fosters the other. You know. For example.

    • Doc_Paradise says:

      Things I do that help in different ways and at different times:

      1) Physical Motion – Punching practice, pacing while ranting, a good long walk in the outdoors, gardening (death to weeds). Basically, anything that gets my heart rate up can help with letting off steam. Bonus if it involves sunshine.

      2) Writing – I have a trusted friend who's inbox I use for dumping. It's an agreed on outlet where I can just put things. I used to use use a blank text file. I also have a private journal online and a more public one. Each of them give a different type of experience.

      3) Consider looking into books/resources on grief in addition to anger. Anger may be part of a grieving process. It has been for me.

      4) Give yourself permission to be angry and recognize/validate that this is something that you have every fucking right to be angry about.

      I may have book recommendations if you can give me a bit more information on what you are looking for.

      • Heathered says:

        ^^^#3, that is so smart to remember, and reminded me that Tara Brach's work and books were really helpful in toggling between these related extremes. She also has a billion YouTube videos where she wears a headset mic and I call her Britney, but they're helpful, too.

    • Kazoogrrl says:

      My rage started young and it is exhausting! I'm reading the responses here with interest.

  3. Heathered says:

    Today started with a giant moth pooping on my laptop as I tried to catch and release it. I didn't know moth poop would be visible without a microscope, so score one for knowledge. I'm giving myself a week to formulate a project that gives me some continuity over the summer. Something I work on every day in June-July-August, the project can't be me (so no weight loss/fitness goals), and I'd rather it not be a reading or writing thing. Researching employment possibilities may be what I land on since it's practical, but also kind of gross. What can you accomplish in 90 days?

    • jenavira says:

      Learn an instrument? Learn how to juggle? Build a cabinet, or a chair, or a shed? Paint a mural? Memorize a map of your neighborhood, and explore every corner of it on foot?

    • CleverManka says:

      I've been wracking my brain to think of something that can be accomplished in 90 days that isn't a personal thing (like a fitness goal) or reading/writing related and I'm just…I got nothin' which wow that says a lot about me that maybe I need to think about so thank you! I love how this community makes me think outside myself so often. <3

      • Heathered says:

        Yeah, I ran out of ideas super-quickly and realized maybe all my complaints about the overall smallness of my life are calling out for me to explode things a bit.

    • Onymous says:

      It's not a daily thing really but herb garden or a tomato plant?

      • Heathered says:

        I have some succulents and am trying to get marigolds to happen, but if I can scrounge a big container a tomato would be awesome!

        • Onymous says:

          Stupid pots. I was all ready to do a little container garden this year then I wandered over to a nursery and was like: oh right they want infinity dollars for a 6" pot.

    • Xolandra says:

      Acquire new skill: bake bread (or anything else you find daunting to make in the kitchen, fermentation specifically takes time and attention); textile work (do you crochet? knit? Tat? Embroider? You could by September!); circus skills (hula hoop, POI, acro yoga, tightrope walking… idk what your fitness levels are, but some of these things are coordination and not fitness orientated, please discard if this is too "me" of a project); learn to HTML/video editing/sound file editing skills; catalogue your X collection that is out of control (o hello, record collection!); learn a language (or at least the basics of how to conjugate 3 tenses: past present future and also some vocab); learn to speed read…

      O, and I understand that furniture refinishing projects are large and time consuming, so maybe that?

    • Kazoogrrl says:

      Any sort of citizen scientist or crowd sourcing projects you can get on, like counting migratory birds or taking water samples or going over documents (can't remember where I read about the last one, was it the Smithsonian using people at home to do that?).

  4. RoseCamelia says:

    My house-for-sale is under contract as of yesterday! The day before that an agent asked to show the house ASAP and said his clients had to make a decision that day. They did. They chose my house!

    The inspection is happening as I type. A 6-year-old house usually passes inspection easily, but I'm still a little anxious.

    No real estate sale is reliable until closing, so I live with mild anxiety for 4 weeks.

    Current closing date is 8 days before we would have to start paying interest on the house-under-construction. So close!

    So, yeah, I'm feeling better, situation-wise. And better otherwise, only a little depressed affect, a little overwhelm every couple of days.

    So much to do. I moved out of the temp house yesterday; now I have to clean it. Meanwhile the lender for the house-under-construction needs significant work from me. And I need to schedule movers between houses and from storage to new house. And I want to schedule a cleaning service for the house-for-sale that is better than the one that was little help prepping it for sale.

    • Heathered says:

      Oh my God, YAY! Let this all unfold as easily as possible going forward. I am so glad to hear it.

    • CleverManka says:

      Oh my gosh! I shall be sending you calming thoughts until closing. You so so so so need a break and I hope this is it.

    • jenavira says:

      Yay!! Good luck with closing, hope everything goes smoothly. At least you have things to do to distract yourself with, so it's not just waiting?

    • damngoodcoffee says:

      Congrats! I haven't ever sold a house but just from your updates it sounds like you've accomplished (and are continuing to accomplish) a hell of a lot.

    • pseudonymica says:

      Movement out of the stagnation! That's wonderfully promising. Please, pretty please, treat yourself particularly well to heal from recent difficulties and build resilience and self-care habits for the work to come.

  5. Onymous says:

    With school out and thus nothing I need to keep up with I'mma taper off the antidepressants and spend at least most of June and July off them. Just sort of checking in to see if they're still doing anything. Talked to my Nurse Practitioner* yesterday and she gave me the go ahead so I'll see how this goes.

    * I'm not exactly sure what a nurse practitioner is but I assume it's a "doctor that works for a living" to paraphrase a bit of stock Drill Sargent dialogue.

    • CleverManka says:

      doctor that works for a living
      You're not completely off-base, there.

      ETA: Whops! Hit enter too soon…I hope your medication experiment produces helpful and positive results. It sounds like a lot of us are having Experimental Summers!

    • meat_lord says:

      I hope tapering off your meds provides useful data and doesn't cause any major brain malfunctions 🙂

    • Räven says:

      I know you're not asking, but in general a NP has a masters or doctorate in nursing and their training always involves advanced pharmacology. My college had a med school and also a totally separate nursing school, and I'd never realized there was this whole other world.

      Good luck with the free-range summer! Take good notes, maybe,

      • Onymous says:

        I mean I wasn't not asking, it's just that yeah thats about as far as wikipedia got me too. In my head I have developed the (not entirely generous) dichotomy of Doctors: People with offices that tell other people to do things; Nurses: People who actually do things.

        But NPs completely break that dichotomy.

        • Räven says:

          Post-school I've only encountered NPs at ob/gyn offices, where they usually have open appointments within days, and the doctors aren't available for maybe five months. But most people are only looking for a routine exam and prescriptions, which is the NP *thing*.

    • vladazhael says:

      Best of luck on the med taper! I am doing the same.

    • jenavira says:

      Good luck! I wish you as few side effects as possible.

      (Nurse practitioner I think = nurse who can prescribe medication, from what I remember from the university health system. They were uniformly nicer and more helpful to me than the doctors I saw there.)

      • Onymous says:

        I haven't dealt with a Doctor in forever (well I mean I think my NP has a PhD but you know what I mean) but yeah my NP is awesome, I'd recommend her to anyone, at least as point of first contact into the healthcare system.

    • Heathered says:

      Best of luck! It's nice that you have the space to check in with yourself along the way.

  6. Lynn says:

    Oh man, guys I got home Friday and my body decided that was the time to take it out on me for weeks of stress/little sleep/poor eating/no exercise. I was a wreck all weekend — I was actually initially concerned I was coming down with mono again (I know you aren't supposed to get it twice but that was the last time I felt this unrelentingly horrible) except Sunday night it settled down into one of my stress-induced GI attacks. Which meant I could go to work, but also meant I had to grit my teeth through stomach cramps for two days. And then this morning I woke up largely okay (there's some residual soreness but that's to be expected). Probably going to bed at 10:30 for the last three nights and drinking all the water helped. Woof.

    Anyway at least now I have the ability to enjoy my extra long weekend (she says, with fingers firmly crossed).

    • CleverManka says:

      Ooof. So glad you're going to be recovered sufficiently to enjoy the extra long weekend!

    • damngoodcoffee says:

      It's so strange how our bodies will allow us to just push through certain things, but then a little while after are just like "er… yeah no." At least now I generally know to accept it. I'm glad that you were able to recover and get lots of rest, though.

      • Lynn says:

        Thanks! Post mono (which I contracted at age 30) I had actually been doing a much better job of listening to those little warning signs and getting extra sleep or taking a sick day when I could feel something coming on instead of waiting for it to get worse. But I think I got myself into a state that just one day was no longer enough to recover and my body was like "okay if you aren't going to spend the weekend on the couch and sleep 14 hours a day I'm gonna make you."

        • damngoodcoffee says:

          Oh definitely. I'm not quite there yet, as what happens now is that I know I'm pushing myself, and know what's coming, but I'll do it anyway and then try to plan for the crash. Though mostly for me it's anxiety- I push through anxiety and do the thing, knowing that at some point I'm going to feel that adrenaline comedown.

    • SquirrelGirl says:

      I think I'm in almost the exact same state as you. I had a lot of travel and got home about a week ago (and got sick during the week of business trips). Between allergies, a cold (I think), a redeye to get home for Mother's Day (and take mom to an Alvin Ailey performance), jetlag, I was barely functional last week (I took a whole day and 2 half days off of work). What little energy I had I used to get my act together (hair cut, henna, home pedicure) to go to a friend's wedding, then, oof!, I got my period. So, here I am today, taking an unexpected day off of work and I slept all morning. But…I know I have so much work to do and it's piling up more than ever. I'll never dig out. I wonder how much of my exhaustion is physical and how much is mental. I can't tell anymore.

      • Lynn says:

        Ugh that sounds awful. I have really had to do a lot of work on myself to combat the guilt that comes with taking sick days (the product of coworkers at my last job who acted like I was personally trying to make their lives difficult any time I took more than two days off together). I have a tendency to expect a lot more of myself than is really reasonable and it really took a lot to recalibrate my expectations to a level that recognized that I am a person who needs to be able to take care of herself and not just be in a constant state of stress all the time.

  7. damngoodcoffee says:

    Work is ugh. Our (soon to be ex-) TL is now trying every underhanded method they can think of (running out of meetings crying, acting morose all the time, trying to mess up other people's meetings, etc.) to get their way and I feel like I work with a damn toddler. Or one of the characters from Mean Girls. Our team is pushing through as best we can, taking every opportunity given to assert ourselves and designate boundaries (in writing). It's just a shame that we have to go through all this and fight every step of the way.

    Other than that, though, things are going well. I went to see GotG2 this weekend, and liked it more than I thought I would. The theater was also part of an outdoor shopping center with a Barnes & Noble, so I wandered around for a bit and picked up Neil Gaiman's new book on Norse mythology. I've also (finally) started using Uber, and I know that company has some iffy stuff going on and I totally plan to switch to Lyft once they get more of a foothold in my city, but omg it's so much easier than using cabs. I finally feel like I can actually go places w/o it being a huge deal.

    • CleverManka says:

      Ugh. I hate it when assholes double-down on their assholery when they know their time to control/destroy is limited. How soon will she be officially ex-TL?

      • damngoodcoffee says:

        July (it was originally June, but after one of her many meetings/crying sessions it was changed to July). She's essentially trying to change her new job description to make it seem like she still is our TL, and I know she's fighting against moving offices too, though she hasn't said anything about it to us directly. Luckily we get to give lots of feedback on the whole process, so that's what we're doing.

        • CleverManka says:

          So next month's gonna be fun, then.

        • Lynn says:

          Did I miss the part of this saga where your boss is a spineless jellyfish? Because I can see being hesitant to intervene if she's just being passive aggressive or sulky but this is beyond the pale.

          Sorry, I am the world's most conflict averse person, but people who try to manipulate me into catering to them with displays of how butthurt they are get my back up (possibly because this was the primary MO of my "best" "friend" from 6th -9th grade).

          • damngoodcoffee says:

            No, I totally get you; I'm the exact same way. The situation is actually much more complicated than I realized – apparently in the past a former boss had tried, through very nefarious means, to have TL ousted, and got fired for it, and b/c of that people have been even more hesitant to go to hr about TL. But it's also that I work with some extremely empathetic (maybe naive?) people who want to believe that everyone has the best intentions, despite the fact that that is not the case here.

            It has been really hard to deal with, because the idea that this kind of emotional manipulation has been rewarded is incredibly odious to me. It's grossly unfair, and IMO she should've been let go for her behavior a while ago. It's both good news and bad news that we now have a new boss who's not as familiar with the internal dynamics involved. But I'm trying to be optimistic.

          • Lynn says:

            Ahhh, okay. I see now why sitting her down and saying "you know, if this makes you so unhappy you don't have to remain employed here," would maybe come across in a different way than intended, given her history. I hope you and your coworkers are able to give your new boss enough input to make sure the changes stick.

            Are you in a place where people generally stay until they retire? Because my goodness she's in for it if she ever decides to work somewhere else.

          • damngoodcoffee says:

            my goodness she's in for it if she ever decides to work somewhere else.

            Seriously. I honestly can't even picture it.

    • meat_lord says:

      I really feel you on Uber. I also need to switch to Lyft, since they're already a viable option in my town. It's convenient as hell and has been incredibly useful to me (and to my partner).

      Wishing you strength and patience until the horrible TL is finally ousted!

      • damngoodcoffee says:

        Right? I had to use it recently for the first time when I was at a conference out of state and needed to get to a drugstore, but it was so much easier than taking a cab! I don't drive and my city's public transportation sucks, so it's just incredibly useful. But yeah, I do plan to try Lyft at some point. I have the app, and tried recently, but they couldn't find a driver in the area.

    • Xolandra says:

      Why do grown-assed adults channel Mean Girls in the office? None of us want that shit, just let me do my work and go home.

      • damngoodcoffee says:

        Right? I feel like one of my biggest realizations as an adult had to do with just how damn immature some other adults could be.

    • Kazoogrrl says:

      I am amazed that people can act like this in the workplace, yet I can't seem to get my foot in the door for a new job*. Ugh!

      * OK, my search did grind to a halt post-election and I'm just starting to look again.

      • damngoodcoffee says:

        I really think some people are just really good at manipulating situations (using other people's empathy & social niceties/dislike of confrontation) to their benefit. Luckily this person is the exception rather than the rule in my organization, but man it's disappointing. I think getting the foot in the door is the true hump to get over, and if I were searching rn I don't know how the election would've affected it, but 'not well,' is probably an understatement, so I wish you the very best on that.

        • Lynn says:

          I actually think it's much easier for someone like this to succeed when everyone else in the group is basically a nice person/ believes the best of everyone. Because it isn't obvious to them what's happening until it's too late.

          It was the one thing my ex-coworker who automatically believed the *worst* of everyone was good for. She was usually wrong, but at least she made the rest of us think for a minute (and on a couple of occasions, she was exactly right and we avoided letting someone take major advantage of us).

        • Kazoogrrl says:

          Thank you! I'm definitely being careful about looking places that might ended up having issues because of the election (non-profits, government positions), though I am still keeping my eye open at university positions (admin stuff).

      • Flitworth says:

        Know the feels! I was unemployed then unhappily underemployed for ~4 yrs and now that I have a good job and look around me, I'm baffled that I struggled for so long.

        I hate to say it but: Network! When you're ready. I slaved over resumes, got first interviews, got to the final round etc. multiple times and in the end, I got one interview at a company I had worked for 8 yrs earlier based on a recommendation from a former colleague and got the job (and impressed the engineering group I since transitioned to).

        • Kazoogrrl says:

          I just had a coworker from 12 years ago send me info about a position where she works, so I'm trying!

  8. meat_lord says:

    Current stuff on the docket: Continue to work on mastering [new role] at work, get politically active again instead of letting it pass me by in a blur of horribleness, learn how to remain focused while sitting very still at a desk for eight hours straight (huuuuuuurgh).

    I've been reflecting on the things that have changed for me in the past two years or so, and I have to give myself credit: I have started to choose and prioritize things that make me happy, further my goals, or fulfill my needs. In other words, I guess I've finally started to care for myself (in the sense of look after myself) and treat myself like a person who is worthy of respect. And a crucial part of that was cutting off contact with an ex-friend who reinforced my sense of worthlessness, not that I'm lastingly bitter and furious or anything.

    T update in separate comment.

    • CleverManka says:

      Fuck yeah prioritizing your happiness, goals, and needs as a person worth of respect!

    • meat_lord says:

      T stuff: You know, I don't think I've mentioned this, but I haven't had a period since I started HRT. Yay!!! No spotting or cramping either, which is great–that sometimes happens when folks start on testosterone.

      Still constantly ravenous. I've started to notice that my existing face-down seems to be growing longer? I wonder if it's proto-facial hair.

    • vladazhael says:

      get politically active again instead of letting it pass me by in a blur of horribleness,

      Same. I've been taking a perfectly justified break, but it's about time to get back in the game.

      learn how to remain focused while sitting very still at a desk for eight hours straight (huuuuuuurgh).


    • damngoodcoffee says:

      Isn't that such an awesome feeling? Prioritizing your own happiness and cutting out the things that aren't good for you/make you feel bad/uncomfortable is so freeing. I'm not perfect at it, but I feel like I've been getting better. Congrats! I think it definitely takes effort but is so worth it.

      Also, at someone who just basically fell asleep at her desk at 12:30pm, I would welcome that focus as well.

    • Doc_Paradise says:

      I cut a bunch of people out of my life both directly (dumping them) or indirectly (they dumped me after I started being more firm on boundaries). It SUCKED and HURT when it happened but after I got through the grief, anger, and shame… it has been so good for me. There is more room in my life for me and for people who actually treat me well. It's a good thing to get rid of people who make you feel worthless… go you!

      • meat_lord says:

        Thanks! It's really rough during the dumping process, but I'm very glad that both you and I are reaping the benefits of asshole-ectomy.

        • Doc_Paradise says:

          I stopped making new friends for a while to give myself time to figure out why I kept getting into those friendships. (I ended up dumping even more people after I figured that out, including my longest held friend. Turns out that my family of origin issues were a big factor in my problems.) I've been making friends again, more cautiously, and so far, it looks like the work is paying off. I'm collecting a decent group of cool people who are actually emotionally mature (or clearly dealing with their own shit and having boundaries and stuff) and reciprocating friendship. It's cool.

          I hope everything works out really well for you.

    • pseudonymica says:

      I'm working on caring for myself too. I've been drifting into temptation to re-establish contact with someone I cut off for similar reasons. It helps to see other people standing strong.

      • meat_lord says:

        Don't do it! If your person is anything like mine, I am swatting them away from you with a rolled-up newpaper.

  9. Xolandra says:

    Friends. I did not take in a single frigging dance party this weekend. I am a little worried about myself. But not really, because I cooked all of the things, including home made oreos, which I shaped like kitties and skull and crossbones. O and also GentlemanX had his second show with his band and everyone was terribly impressed (I had no dance parties. This does not mean I had no parties). On Saturday, local postpunkers Bonnie Doon released their album, and the show (with Mannequin Pussy!!!) was really great: https://bonniedoon.bandcamp.com/

    I have an update re: terrible high school friends, but am keeping it secret for my essay(?). For now, let's just say that other people have different perspectives and I am fascinated by the varied responses I get.

    I recently asked my management for a gradual return to 100% work (presently i have 80% schedule and it is glorious, tho costly). I have another year at 90%. I'm not sure how I feel about this, it essentially boiled down to me caring about my professional development I guess? Which I am stunned to acknowledge that I do? But not really, mostly I am just finding it harder and harder to survive capitalism so I want the $$$. In short – I have conflicted feelings about this last point.

    • CleverManka says:

      I have to take the Burgomaster to drop off his scooter for servicing but when I get back I feel like (if you want to) we can talk about this surviving capitalism business because I HEAR YOU and I feel like I need perspective on it, coming at it from the other side (as someone who might be looking at reduced hours beyond FMLA).

      • Xolandra says:

        I am here for another couple of hours at least, and then intermittently _forever_ 🙂

        Full disclosure: i am, and have always existed as comfortably middle class. So, like, "surviving capitalism" still does not mean that I exist below the poverty line, which, when I google, informs me I (and GentlemanX) am living on 3x what the government considers "low income". It does, however, mean that I occasionally look at very pretty things on the internet or plane tix to visit my family in Paris and think "not for me".

        • CleverManka says:

          Thank you for being here! =D

          And same same same which is why I feel like I need to talk about this with others of my kind because I know there is a shit ton of privilege talking here. I have never in my life been poor. There have been times I was technically living just above the poverty level but because I was a 20-year old college student with no dependents that was perfectly fine. I've never had to worry about being poor. So when I think about things like what if I have to go to part time work because of my health and tbh it sounds great because I've done the budget estimations and I know I can live on less (well, provided my out of pocket health care costs don't go back up again) but I have no idea what that's actually like, psychologically, as an adult who worries about things like Retirement. And I don't know who to talk with about that. It seems like a very unusual and very entitled situation but it's still something I need to think about…bleh. This all sounds very incoherent.

          Basically, can you describe what it was like, living as someone who was used to A Certain Income And Standard Of Living suddenly being…not that person?

          • Xolandra says:

            So, yes. As much as I natter about being poor, i am not poor. As long as we are clear that I am not deciding between necessary surgery and feeding my cats, we're cool.

            For me, the drop in income level was chosen. I am extremely risk averse, so when I a) bought the house and b) changed my work life, I made those decisions based on a "worst-case scenario" of either me or GentlemanX being un/der employed. My worst case scenario happened, and it is fine, because _plans_.

            For me, it is the small stuff. I had to let a group of friends go just straight up, because all they do is go out for dinner parties and I cannot afford their high rolling lifestyle. I no longer even look at Kickstarter projects, because I know i don't have the money to lose. I decided that capitalism will die before I get to retire, so I stopped saving for retirement (NB I have an excellent pension at my work, I was saving for retirement nominally only, really). We are far more sober than we used to be (booze is way more expensive in Canada that it is down south).

            In all honesty, the biggest difference for me has been going from "whatever, I can totally afford that $500 bag and I might as well as a small act of reconciliation because I get NO OTHER JOY IN MY LIFE" to "I have chosen to be poor and happy and it is glorious". I used to say a lot "I work a shit job that i hate so that I CAN afford to X" (my personal fav was when I just ate a hotel room overnight because Air Canada is staffed by monsters). Now that I no longer work a shit job that I hate, I can no longer do that, but it does not at all feel like a deprivation.

            I spend more time with things that cost nothing now – books, my instrument, going for long walks, making tea at home instead of going out, etc. I cannot say that I feel that my life is less rich now. In fact, part of the reason that I am leery of going back to a 40 hour work week is because all of the things that i love – that recharge me and make my life worth living – take _time_, not money. Hell, even the dance parties I go to max out at $10 admission, and I always pre-game and carry a flask.

            The one thing that I regret – literally the ONLY thing that I miss – are Fine Arts. Theatre, orchestra… those things cost COIN. And while I am willing to put up without some of the luxuries of life (incredibly expensive perfume? a bottle of champagne? actual factual silk stockings?) in order to be able to take 4 hours out of my week to make elaborate eggplant meals (note that fresh veg is WAY CHEAPER up here than has been my experience south of the border), looking wistfully at the ballet about residential schools and then deciding that I cannot afford it does, in fact, make me die a little inside. But you do get used to it.

            ProTip: try to set up a savings account ASAP, and contribute regularly, even if you contribute tiny amounts. Because those tiny amounts add up and you can eventually be all "aw yiss, time for those garters I been waiting for for half of my fucking life!" Second proTip: stop presenting as femme. Femme trappings are _so expensive_ (I rediscovered my love of things feminine while working 80%, do as i say not as I dooooooooooooooo)

          • CleverManka says:

            I am, literally, tearing up right now because yes, this is the sort of thing I was hoping to hear. You describe exactly what I've been picturing (and trying to convince the Burgomaster about because although he would deny it, he has some issues with Needing To Spend Money or at least he has had them for the decade+ we've been together). And I was super worried that it was a pie-in-the-sky scenario. But knowing that you are coming out of it feeling like that, even after Worst Case Scenario is just….super good to hear. I know nothing will guarantee I'll have the same experience, but hearing a personal example of it working out so well? Incredibly relieving and inspiring. Thank you!

            Also, I hear you on the arts. I mean, I say oh yeah, we didn't travel much anyway but if the opportunity for something arises (like it did with those Hamilton tickets), actually doing it is not going to be an option and that's gonna suck. But for the day to day living….ahhhhh. I started a savings account the month I stopped seeing all my various health care people who weren't having lasting effects–that was nearly half my income. o_O

            LOL at presenting as femme being $$$ bc presenting as femme is also higher energy. I stopped wearing makeup to the office every day because removing it was just one.more.thing to do before bed every night and I didn't have it in me. Also, I haven't worn my high-heeled boots since…I don't know when? Maybe a friend's wedding last spring? I don't have anything in my closet anymore that's not made of stretch fabric. When it comes to not presenting as femme thing anymore, I'm ahead of the game. =D

          • Xolandra says:

            O lovey, I didna mean to make you cry! :toasthugs:

            When I talk about recovering from the hellscape that was my breakdown, I talk a lot about balance. Like, I needed to re-work-out: how to balance my anger with my joy; how to balance introvert and extrovert time; how to balance the amount of money I was making versus the amount of money i _need_ to make in order to be able to live well. And it turns out that, for me and GentlemanX both, we would rather spend an evening on the porch doing a crossword puzzle and chatting than desperately trying to squeeze joy out of a curated wine tasting (for example).

            I think that the key to having a good experience while maintaining a part-time work schedule is to find a way to resist the mentality that things = success. For me, in the early days, just getting through a work week without crying was the success. After that? Little things. Like being able to spend a day preparing to have friends over for dinner when everyone else is at work (o hello, Fridays, you are a viable option for everything now!!!), or being able to be the one who performs the organizational role in your friend group because everyone else is too busy or whatever. Being the one who is consistently able to offer a shoulder or an ear, because your emotional reserves aren't being burnt out on "professionalism". Sitting in a park on a sunny day when no one else is because you have made the life choice that allows that. These things are all still exclusive (ie not everyone can access them, just like the latest TV technology or whatever), they just doesn't cost coin, you know?

            I sincerely hope that you and the Burgomaster find balance. ♥

          • CleverManka says:

            Well they were good tears, you know? Relief tears. =D

            You've just described A Very Good Life to me. I am by nature a Cruise Director (shocking revelation, I'm sure) and I love cooking and caring for my friends.

            Thank you so much for your helpful and hopeful words.
            <img src="http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/clevermanka/1047329/400142/400142_900.gif"&gt;

    • meat_lord says:

      Homemade oreos! Shaped like kitties and skull-&-crossbones?? Could anything be better?

  10. Doc_Paradise says:

    I'm sooo tired but managing well. Therapy and personal work is ongoing and I'm hauling myself together. I'm even having some social contact.

    I've been buying books again.

    I bought "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents" by Lindsay Gibson which I'm excited about.

    I picked up "Dreadnought" by Alice Daniels (a superhero novel with a trans girl hero). I was introduced to it through this review: http://jamesdavisnicoll.com/review/free-to-fly

    I previously read "Company Town" by Madeline Ashby and liked it (Grim Meathook Cyborg Canadian Futures) so I picked up her other books "vN" and "iD".

    I also got "Holy Sh*t" on the recommendation of someone here.

  11. pseudonymica says:

    I am SO happy it's mid-week check in Wednesday. I was thinking it was tomorrow and I need it now because bombshell about the soap opera of my immediate family life: Pseudostepson is definitely going through a teenage rebellion stage. He's 22 and on the autism spectrum.

    He just finished his third year of college with all F's. Normally he gets exactly half F's and half A's, because of his disability – which he's in denial about. This is shockingly different. We've been asking him about his classes and what he needs to do and he responds with a fair r gives him rides to class, but we've gradually gotten him more independent and he takes public transportation most of the way home. He told me he hasn't been going to class for quite a while. That means he's been sustaining a series of lies for weeks, which is the alarming part because it's extremely unlike him.

    Anyway, PseudoMr and I are pretty shocked but making sense of it as an atypical teenage rebellion that came late because of autism and is extra confusing because he's more mature than an actual teenager in some ways but far less in other ways. This semester was his last chance to get out of academic probation for being in college for so long with a less than 50% competition rate. He was only allowed to enroll because the disability office backed him up, but they said it was the last time they would do so if he didn't stay in contact with them. In the past I get him there and then he stops going because of his denial.

    In a more typical semester, he got an A in the philosophy class everyone else was failing and he failed another class because the door was closed instead of open one day. So, yeah, college was a better option than work and it was what he wanted.

    Anyway, WHATEVER, for now. I'm normally the last person to blame anything on millennial entitlement, especially with disability in the picture, but he's really being an arrogant asshole and I don't have time for that nonsense.

    I was also on the news again about the terrible 45 budget yesterday. Evidently I'm their go-to eloquent poor person, although I felt less than eloquent yesterday. It felt like a weird day even before the pseudo-teen's bombshell.

    Thanks for being here to listen ❤

    • CleverManka says:

      I'm getting to this late because I got distracted by one of the squirrels I hand feed (we hadn't seen her for over a week and were very worried) and then the oven repair person showed up and now I gotta take the Burgomaster to get his scooter tires replaced BUT I wanted to say this all sounds very stressful and sad I hope things get better and easier for Pseudostepson.

      Also I so much want to see you on the news! AHHH! You probably don't feel comfortable posting a link to a clip here and I understand that, but if you want to

    • meat_lord says:

      I'm sorry you're in this situation with Pseudostepson @—@ It sounds very frustrating.

    • Lee Thomson says:

      Kids running off the rails is the WORST, especially if they were trying for one reason or another to fix it themselves and failing utterly. My emergency back-up kid had some of the same fluctuations in grades and was slowly but steadily going under until this past fall semester where they just stopped going to classes and lied about it to everyone. Until their advisor called their mother, we thought they were doing fine. Everyone has been as helpful as possible, but there had to be a serious change in plans and they are somewhere between determined and devasted. Sounds like about where you guys are as well – I hope things even out some….

  12. Kazoogrrl says:

    I'm getting my hair cut today, which is making me feel good. Otherwise, I've been eating all my feelings, which is not great but I am trying not to beat myself up about. Lunch was leftover chicken tenders with waffles and rosemary maple syrup, so it's not all chips.

    Also, one of the three computers I use at work crashed and not-literally- burned this morning. I have a call to a tech and a back up plan, but yeah, what a pain.

    • Lee Thomson says:

      I would cheerfully share that lunch with you. Did you accomplish the rosemary maple syrup yourself? do you think it might be as simple as shoving a couple sticks of rosemary into a bottle of maple syrup?

      Glad the burning had no actual flames, and you have a backup, but yikes, that sucks.

      • Kazoogrrl says:

        I put some pieces of rosemary (about 2" long, maybe 4 of them?) in 1/4 cup maple syrup, warmed it in the microwave for 30 seconds or so, until hot, then let is sit while I fried the chicken. Worked great!

    • CleverManka says:

      Okay, well that blows about the computer but ngl lunch sounds delicious.

      • Kazoogrrl says:

        I'm not quite total death on the office electronics, but they do tend to quit working just for me!

        Lunch definitely helped.

  13. Flitworth says:

    As per usual: thank y'all for being here. We can have nice things:

    Yesterday, I took my dog (who now refuses to run with my husband because she's just not that into fitness and his pace is fast) and the neighbor's St. Bernard puppy for a run. It kept my mind off how much I hate running.

    Don't adopt this cat

    Handy excuses if you support Trump

    If you want to try the energy drink of the late 17/early 18 hundreds, behold! Switchel! It is delicious and since apple cider vinegar "cures" a multitude of ills, healthful! We've been taking this as our host(ess) gift lately.

  14. Lee Thomson says:

    oof. My head hurts and I am mad for no good reason. I've been whacking things off the endless to-do list, with prejudice, and felling accomplished is going to have to stand in for actually doing any useful thing. I mean, the list is marginally useful things, but not Making Things which is what I should be doing. So I am Mailing Things and Communicating with Clients and etc. etc, and other makings will have to wait.

    Annapolis and the small boats were fabulous. My kid is an Excellent travelling companion, which feels like a huge win. I did buy a kit for a boat, but had to let them ship it because it is as long as my car and would not fit.

    • CleverManka says:

      Mailing Things and Communicating with Clients and etc. etc.
      Someone I know refers to those sorts of duties as "scut work" but that sort of errand running is the sort of thing I enjoy. I would be a good Personal Assistant for an artist-type. Wish I could be yours!

      • Lynn says:

        AH man, that's like half of the job I'm hiring for right now, but unfortunately the "mailing things" part includes checks, which means it can't be a remote position.

      • Lee Thomson says:

        I would take you on in a heartbeat!

        I refer to it as Kibble, which is a step up from legos on the floor with bare feet, but has the same general effect.

    • LaxMom says:

      I am so jealous of your boating interlude! That sounds wonderful. I grew up on the lake but other than annual canoe trips with grandma my kids have no interest.

      A well-travelling 'kid' is indeed an accomplishment to be proud of!

    • Kazoogrrl says:

      Whoa, that's some kit! Glad the trip was fun for you both!

  15. Doc_Paradise says:

    BTW… There is something going around that is causing ear infections. I got one and got it dealt with, but I've heard of two people who didn't take it seriously (children's disease, eh?) and now have burst eardrum and paralysis. Be careful.

  16. LaxMom says:

    I"ve tried 6 times over the past hour to comment. It keeps timing out.
    Quick summary: still doing homework, sister is in town, this weekend is a major trigger for everything, and i'm feeling old and fat.

    • LaxMom says:

      so i'm almost out of homework hell but it was very disappointing that I spent all day working on the overdue paper yesterday, and missed a whole day of free time with my sister who just flew in from vegas. And I did it all wrong and have to re-make half my maps, fuck.
      My sister is in town which always makes me feel conflicted because she's still cool and skinny and 10 years younger, and I stupidly compare things in my head.
      Also I have no garden ready and it's not gonna get in this weekend unless a miracle occurs. ALSO memorial day sucks sucks sucks because: 1. it's usually the last time I have my kids, then the asshole takes them for the whole month of june and I try not to cry because for 7 years I've NEVER gotten to be with them in the first sweet week of "summer is here and I'm so happy" state.I get them back in "oh crap I have a month to do my summer reading/project and band camp" state. Also i miss Teengirl's bday EVERY year, and she's my youngest and the only girl and it makes me depressed.2.memorial day weekend is when I fell. And then I spent months in a wheelchair and got shingles from stress and got driven to suicidal-ness by the abusive ass and physically I will never be the same (or stand up straight) again and so it's very miserable. Also because I had my garden perfect and then I fell and he let it get destroyed for 2 years and so May is all the Hope & Despair& selfpity& murderous thoughts all in one big barbeque jumble.
      I have been getting better at dealing with this (for instance, this year I have not kicked a hole in the wall or melted down sobbing), but my cousin and her girls are coming in for the weekend and I realize the last time I saw them was as I was being wheeled in to the ambulance so OUCH that's another fun trigger.

    • Lee Thomson says:

      Oh sweetie. Have a hug. You are younger and thinner than me, and it doesn't matter anyway.

    • Xolandra says:

      Toasthugs for you. This internet stranger would never have guessed you are "old", but that may be because the last time i went to an all ages show i looked around, thought "o, so THIS is what Kurt Cobain meant when he sang Smells Like Teen Spirit" and then "SHIT, i could literally have given birth to most of the audience here" and then "SHIT SHIT SHIT Kurt Cobain is literally this generation's Jim Morrison and idk how to process that."

      Sorry. Got off track there.

      I sincerely hope that eventually you get to a place where the summer itself is not a trigger for you. Until such a time, may I recommend grilling and consuming entire fishes? So delicious, and you get to rummage about in their head for the cheeks ^_^ (ok, maybe I am projecting here, but this is legit fun).

      • LaxMom says:

        omg, that Jim Morrison thing is spot on. Shh, we don't have to admit it.

        It's that more years after 40 than before 50 thing that's killing me, and I know it doesn't matter, but it is one of those thoughts that slips in when my resources are focused elsewhere. bah humbug.

        Fish cheeks are real?

        • Lee Thomson says:

          oh yes! and also tasty.

        • Xolandra says:

          Yep yep! Anyone who tells you they are lies is keeping them for themselves.

          Incidentally, my favourite memory of celebrating my birthday in Greece is when they filleted the Red Snapper for us and were about to take the carcass away when GentlemanX stepped in with a "woah, wait, WHAT" and proceeded to extract both cheeks and feed them both to me because my BIRTHDAY.

  17. mowinda says:

    Hello! This is way late but gotta start somewhere I guess.
    1.) My roommate is moving out August 31 but my lease is surprisingly not horrible about subletting. (If anyone wants to live with my and my plants and my giant fat cat in Washington Heights…)
    2.) I need a new job because my current job is sucking the life out of me but the pay and the benefits are relatively good so I have no enthusiasm for wading into the job market
    3.) A ton of my close friends moved out of the city in the past year or so and I really need to figure out some sort of social "thing" to do that's not a meetup group I'll hate

    • squirrelgirl says:

      I'm in the same position for 2 and 3. I think it'd be harder to find a new job than to suck this one up (since it's better paying than most in my field). The primary drawback to the company I'm at is that it's more corporate than any of the other places I've worked. It's all about the management here and sucking up (which I'm not particularly good at). As for #3, this is the second time in the past 2 decades that pockets of friends have moved away from the area in quick succession. So, have to find new friends–which gets harder and harder as I get older (especially since this is the one workplace I haven't acquired work friends–I've ALWAYS had work buddies before, so this is hell on Earth). I've been looking at Meetup groups too but I accidentally/inadvertently signed up for some.I thought I was just selecting ones I was 'interested' in to look at later and consider. I didn't realize I was actually signed up and visible to the group. Now I'm getting a lot of invites I can't commit to–oops! Most of my groups are book and art/writing, games, and some hiking/outdoorsey ones. But I haven't done a thing with any of them yet.

      • mowinda says:

        I'm always tempted to do that hiking/outdoorsy stuff but then the weekend comes and I'm like "hell no am I getting up at 8 am to go hang out in a forest with strangers."

    • CleverManka says:

      Oof, that could be a big ol' bunch of discouraging, bb. I hope you find ways to feed your spirit and foster some new connections.

    • vladazhael says:

      I have a friend who is about to start a 6-week course at Columbia, with possible permanent residency after that. She already has lodgings arranged, but perhaps socialization might be a thing?

  18. MLISCostFan says:

    Well, my boss is retiring mid-June and we know the successor, our former assistant manager. Not a problem there, so favoritism, but known factor, but she wants to restructure the department quite a bit and I don't know if I like this or not. We also get to have 15 min interviews with her. Lovely. As a precaution, I should brush up my resume, etc.

    On the other hand, 2 days until vacation! I have costuming projects, 18th century and Insect Queen.

    Woohoo! I got my limited attendance class letter for Costume College: Intro to Thermoplastics, A Pressing Matter, Don't Be Yourself: How to Pose with Character, and Shopping Safari into the LA Fabric District.

  19. LibLemon says:

    Needed a place to work some things out and thought I'd take a break from lurking for a bit. I did a lot of thinking about body issues this last week. I feel like I will always have a lot of work to do in that area, but after a conversation with Ms RoseCamelia, I found myself having taken more steps back in a bad cycle than I had thought.

    I spent the last week out of town with my husband, between 5000 and 7000 feet above the sea level in which we live, and despite treating my body like crap (I literally do not remember the last time I did high intensity cardio on purpose … I think it was in November?), I was in better shape, with better stamina, than my husband. My body fought off the Montezuma's Revenge that my husband got.

    My body is not as terrible as I treat it sometimes. I complicate my relationship with it because it's bigger than I want it to be, than I've been taught it should be. If that's it's only "crime" – if that's what's keeping me from appreciating all of the things it actually does for me – then I need to work on my head more than the body that carries it around.

    One day I will realize this and actually INTERNALIZE it at the same time! I'm trying.

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