Thursday Link Dump

Clever Manka, · Categories: Thursday Link Dump

Photo by Karolin Klüppel.

Gorgeous photos of Mosuo matriarchs. Additional articles about the women and their story at the link.

I think pretty much everyone here can at least sympathize with the fact that gratitude lists aren’t always helpful. Personally, I’ve always found them vaguely insulting, but I know they do help some folks. I’m just…not one of them.

If you’ve ever said “I like all music except for country and rap,” try not judging musical genres based on possibly prejudiced perceptions of them. Speaking of music, I loved this article on M.I.A., the Obama presidency, what we’ve lost, and where we are now. A nice thought-piece for my fellow pop music lovers.

I love finding articles that talk about how fashion influences society a fuck of a lot more than people think.

After Kawakubo upended Paris, downtown trendsetters the world over donned black wardrobes. The Tokyo crow aesthetic, which had supported Commes des Garçons in its earliest years, became an international fad. Some believe Kawakubo is singlehandedly responsible for the all-black New York City uniform that defined the art world in the 1980s, and continued (mostly as cliche) into the early 2000s. Others insist she all but invented the color. “What she objectively achieved was the revival of black’s cachet as the color of refusal,” wrote Judith Thurman for The New Yorker.

“I never intended to start a revolution,” Kawakubo told the magazine in 2005. “I only came to Paris with the intention of showing what I thought was strong and beautiful. It just so happened that my notion was different from everybody else’s.”

Channing Tatum is on a very unusual publicity tour for Logan Lucky. A friend of mine lives near here and found out about it the next day. I feel so bad for her.

I found out this week I also know someone who is friends with Mike Godwin (of Godwin’s Law).

Five ways to lovingly support someone with C-PTSD.

Consent in relationships.

Unwanted interactions are unwanted interactions, whether we’re talking about sharing negativity or emotional overwhelm, or sexual pressure, or even just assumptions. While some degree of these will always be unavoidable in relationship, there is a point at which we need to step back and check in with our partners about our interactions. Often we build up a tolerance to irritations over time, but sometimes relationships end abruptly (and often as a surprise to at least one partner) because we lose tolerance for the slow “death by a thousand cuts” of our unaddressed frustrations and distresses. A lot of these strains are the result of behaviours that push past our boundaries, behaviours we have not consented to receive, but we don’t know how to stop.

The Ava app “turns smartphones in a room into smart microphones, allowing the deaf/hard-of-hearing person to read the entire conversation as real-time captions- including who said what.”

Another stellar spam comment that I needed to share:

The Privates: A (very) short film about a small band and their problems with too much energy and … science. When I was in my 20s, my basement hosted band practice for two different bands (one of which almost made it to the big time) and this film spoke to Current Me on many levels.

If you need a (mostly) good story to ease your heart, take a moment to read about recently-married trans man Alic Custer-Shook.

As someone who has to rigidly monitor what she eats (and how much of it), I’ve worked hard to shed the mentality of “clean eating” and all the traps that it can trigger.

Over the past 50 years, mainstream healthcare in the west has been inexplicably blind to the role that diet plays in preventing and alleviating ill health. When it started, #eatclean spoke to growing numbers of people who felt that their existing way of eating was causing them problems, from weight gain to headaches to stress, and that conventional medicine could not help. In the absence of nutrition guidance from doctors, it was a natural step for individuals to start experimenting with cutting out this food or that.

From 2009 to 2014, the number of Americans who actively avoided gluten, despite not suffering from coeliac disease, more than tripled. It also became fashionable to drink a whole pantheon of non-dairy milks, ranging from oat milk to almond milk. I have lactose-intolerant and vegan friends who say that #eatclean has made it far easier for them to buy ingredients that they once had to go to specialist health-food stores to find. What isn’t so easy now is to find reliable information on special diets in the sea of half-truths and bunkum.

If Western media (I assume they mean U.S.?) covered Charlottesville the same way it covers other nations.

The international community is yet again sounding the alarm on ethnic violence in the United States under the new regime of President Trump. The latest flash point occurred this past weekend when the former Confederate stronghold of Charlottesville descended into chaos following rallies of white supremacist groups protesting the removal of statues celebrating leaders of the defeated Confederate states. The chaos turned deadly when Heather Heyer, a member of the white ethnic majority who attended the rally as a counterprotester, was killed when a man with neo-Nazi sympathies allegedly drove his car into a crowd.

A recording and transcript of Sylvia Rivera’s Y’all Better Quiet Down speech at the 1973 New York City’s Christopher Street Liberation Day Rally.

I found and reblogged a fatigue scale chart (similar to a pain scale chart) on Tumblr.

I’m trying to decide which of this woman’s albums I want to buy:









144 Responses to “Thursday Link Dump”

  1. meat_lord says:

    Great roundup! I'm loving the album you posted–work music for today. That article on ways to support people with C-PTSD is really going to come in handy, as a lot of my social circle has it. (Insert rage-fueled thesis about how queer and trans kids/teens/young adults are disproportionately likely to develop C-PTSD due to a higher-than-normal likelihood of abusive relationships….)

    Can't wait to get to the rest!

  2. Lynn says:

    Oh that fatigue schedule was exactly what I needed today. Boyfriend and I had a serious discussion last night that stemmed from me accidentally hurting his feelings but I think the root cause was us having different conceptions of where I'm at in the recovery process. I just sent it to him and explained I feel like I'm at a 3-4 most days with occasional dips back to 5 (after being at 7-9 most of May and June), and he was surprised.

  3. CleverManka says:

    Oh, hey, just stumbled across this Tumblr post about fake solar eclipse glasses. Be safe if you're in a viewing area next Monday, friends!

    • jenavira says:

      And I'm gonna be obnoxious with this reminder through Monday: If you're traveling for the eclipse, bring your own water! It's August, it's going to be hot, and local infrastructure is potentially going to be overwhelmed.

  4. Doc_Paradise says:

    I really enjoyed the clean eating article. It dovetailed with a book I found terribly interesting (on the history of fitness, cleanliness, and food fads in America) but hadn't been able to finish. The article also left me craving fried pork chops with apple sauce and green beans with almonds and butter… so I went and had some ice cream.

    I love food.

    I'm also on my second listen of that album. Nice.

    • CleverManka says:


      For a long time I used "clean eating" for just myself when I strayed from The Path too often and found myself in frequent GI distress. I'm still working to find a way to classify it in my head that doesn't have pejorative overtones. I've managed to do it with concepts of fatness (being chubby doesn't bother me anymore, which is nice) but haven't managed it yet when it comes to Fun vs. Responsible eating choices. I'll take any thoughts (now or later) that you have with that.

      • RoseCamelia says:

        I like what better schools are teaching children. Go Food, Slow Food, No Food.

        Go Foods are Eat Often Foods and sometimes Eat Lots, such as low-carb veggies steamed or cooked in healthy fats.

        Slow Foods are ok only in small quantity and/or low frequency They can be Good For You, such as high-carb produce; or Just For Pleasure, such as desserts (ice cream) or refined-flour carbs (pancakes). Children are led in discussions of having cupcakes only once or twice a month, pasta only twice a week, or finding a frequency that they like better. The focus is on deciding in advance and on awareness.

        No Foods are forbidden. Peanuts for allergic kids. Dairy for the lactose intolerant.

        Very young children are taught the same categories as Green Light, Yellow Light, Red Light. Vitamins and prescription meds (not dispensed by a trusted adult) are included in Red Light.

        It's been a long time since I had the care of children. There must be some Mankanauts who can improve on this subject.

      • Doc_Paradise says:

        I don't know if this would work for you (you and I have different issue vectors), but this is basically what I'm trying to do with regards to food.

        I've realized there are themes (baggage) that affect my life that have been problematic in other areas. I'm of the opinion that stuff like that doesn't just stay in one area so I looked at how things like the experience of neglect show up in my experience of food. Neglect is insidious, it taught me that if I showed too much need then the things I really needed would be taken away.

        Recently I've been testing the theory that focusing on what my body is saying and what it needs *more* of is a better and more effective mental head space for me. I know that neglect has been normalized for me so I counter that.

        This can be summed up in the question: "What is missing that I need?"

        This has resulted in an additive attitude.

  5. Kazoogrrl says:

    What a round up!

    First, warning on the heart easing essay, because now I'm fighting back tears at work, in a good way. Oh, that ending.

    Second, Tokyo crow aesthetic, I feel like I now know how to describe myself.

  6. vladazhael says:

    Re: gratitude lists – My ex had (has) this weird habit of prefacing things with "hey, look on the bright side…" when it didn't really make sense. Not even the usual, trite, too often unhelpful pattern where person A says a thing sucks and person B offers a positive counterpoint – he just did it anytime a positive counterpoint might be tangentially available, whether the person he was talking to was actually complaining or not. It was like he was mimicking human behavior, but not very well, because he didn't really understand it. (Which… kind of explains a lot about him.) Anyway, the piece about gratitude lists and what bullshit they are really makes me feel vindicated for wanting to slap him.

    Also, that's the second or third article I've seen on the trap of "clean eating" and I'm definitely working on undoing some of the nonsense I've unwittingly absorbed from that trend. The strawberry-filled croissant donut I had this morning was delicious.

    • Xolandra says:

      O dear. I have feels about gratitude lists, and they tend towards the positive side. I see the author`s point, I really, honestly, do; you gotta feel the spectrum, you know? But OTOH, as someone with a ruminaotry, dystopic personality, I personally found gratitude journalling very helpful in changing what I noticed of the world around me. But, like, I was legit at "I am grateful that flowers exist" levels of gratitude listing, so maybe I was doing it wrong?

      Your comment is interesting, too; I have been trying to help GentlemanX re-frame things in a more positive way. He'll say a thing and I'll literally be like "OR this way of looking at the situation?" But maybe this is not helpful and I should stop.

      • CleverManka says:

        I know people who do well with gratitude mentality and I would never try to disabuse them of that notion. As someone who has never benefited from that approach, though, it was great to read about someone else on the other side.

        • Xolandra says:

          I hear that! I think for me they were mostly useful because otherwise I, personally, became myopic and joyless. But when my employer sent out an invite to a workshop that encouraged me to focus on my attitude of gratitude because there is an epidemic of mental health issues at my workplace, i was v much NO, FIX YOUR TOXIC WORKPLACE. Like, I think that the author is v right, the focus on "fix your attitude" can obfuscate the fact that there are some pretty real ills in our society that require addressing.

          • Flitworth says:

            Gah! Yea they keep having wellness sh*t where I work. Some poor dude has to walk around monthly and hand out fliers on breathing and exercise and offer to take blood pressure. If this company wanted lower stress levels then they could offer more vacation and stop outsourcing jobs and stop placing the onus of "wellness" exclusively on the cogs in the machine.

          • jenavira says:

            Ooh, can we talk about how "wellness" can be both a societal and an individual factor, and placing all the onus on the individual to be at Optimum Wellness when society actively damages our attempts to do so is a great way to gaslight an entire culture into self-loathing?

          • Doc_Paradise says:

            Yep. It's blame shifting and victim blaming on a systematic scale.

          • Xolandra says:


            I feel like "you are failing at being well" is really a thing that could only exist in modern, Western, capitalist society, in that it requires a complete denial of the systemic ways in which our wellness is thwarted at every turn. Like, yeah ok, I will feel better if I meditate for 5 minutes a day, but that won't change the fact that there are no grocery stores within walking distance of where I live.

          • vladazhael says:

            *side-eyes Gwyneth, yet again*

          • Xolandra says:

            Not enough side eye in the WORLD for that woman. Srsly, lady. If you're that into zucchini, you are too into zucchini

            Also, put whatever you like in your vag, I guess, but jade + monnbeams =/= a detox regimen.

          • jenavira says:

            I believe that the single most important scientific study that has ever been done is the Rat Park study, which showed that rats who are isolated will addict themselves to morphine at the drop of a hat, but rats who have a social community and interesting things to do will try the morphine and go, "Nah."

            The implications that has for the sheer level of preventable human suffering in this country alone are…staggering.

          • Xolandra says:

            I LOVE THAT STUDY. I love throwing it in the face of ppl who suggest that tough love is the best way to go with an addict. I love having it in my pocket when I am struggling with my own friends who have addictions issues. I. Love. That. Study.

          • Doc_Paradise says:

            Agreed. Tough love is bullshit.

      • vladazhael says:

        Oh, if gratitude lists work for you, and if you're honestly trying to help a loved one with his outlook in a productive and healthy way, that's absolutely cool. The right tool for the right job and all. I just tend to agree with the author that the default to positive thinking as the cure for all ills is something we as a culture could maybe dial back a bit for the sake of making more than one tool available. Plus my ex was just a doofus all around and I enjoy venting about him.

        • Xolandra says:

          Yep, I hear you! – see above re: my employer.

          It had never occurred to me that I might be irritating my partner with my re-framing. So your ex, in this instance, may have done some good, because now I will check in with my partner, which i should have done previous to this, tbh. ^_^

          But by all means, I am here for venting. I love stories about people (especially straight cis white people) behaving badly. Especially if it ends badly for them. *fetches popcorn

    • Doc_Paradise says:

      Not acknowledging what someone says while substituting something else (even something positive) is minimizing and/or negating. No wonder you didn't like it. It's shitty.

    • CleverManka says:

      Yeah, for me personally the only Bright Side I wanna hear is this one.

  7. faintlymacabre says:

    "the slow “death by a thousand cuts” of our unaddressed frustrations and distresses."
    That resonated… more than a little…. Definitely a good read.

  8. Xolandra says:

    I feel like it is terribly appropraite that I dressed all in black today.

    More Europop? This song (almost) shares a title with Kawakubo's fashion line: Comme un garçon

    • CleverManka says:

      Your musical awareness never fails to amaze me. Thank you for sharing it with us!

      • Xolandra says:


        Back at you, bb. I tried to read the article about MIA and was like "idk even what most of these songs are, nevermind the artists". And where I did recognize the artist (Green Day), I was like ???? I thought they stopped being relevant before this album dropped? SHOWS WHAT I KNOW.

        • Onymous says:

          Green Day did a weird puke and rally with American Idiot, didn't they? Like they absolutely *had* stopped being relevant but I think some combination of nostalgia and people desperately looking for fuzzy guitars that weren't Nickleback got them a lot of play.

          • Xolandra says:

            Yeah, idk what happened with American Idiot (I was already at big hair don't care stage with white man punk by then), but I knew I hadn't missed much when I heard Randy Bachman (of BTO fame, plz plz tell me that being south of the border spared y'all from immediately knowing who I am talking about) talking about their songwriting genius.

          • CleverManka says:

            I am not familiar with Randy Bachman and as a balm to your soul I shall not google him. xoxo

          • Xolandra says:

            I mean, do whatever you like, but probably you know their Hits: Takin Care Of Business? Or you Ain't Seen Nothing Yet? Or (gods help us all) American Woman?

          • CleverManka says:

            ohhhhhhhhhh. yeah, okay.

          • Xolandra says:


          • Onymous says:

            "That's BTO. They were Canada's answer to ELP. Their biggest hit was TCB. That was how we talked in the seventies. We didn't have a moment to spare. "

  9. Fancy_Pants says:

    Can we please talk about how much TIME and ENERGY and MONEY it takes to eat 100% "clean" (w/e that means)? Whether it's Paleo or vegan or "plant first" or whatever, its gonna take a lot of doing to get a days worth of calories out of zuchhini pasta and kale smoothies. Clean eating is such a status symbol because unless it's your job or you have a personal chef, you're just going to get HUNGRY. So hungry.

    I've cycled through enough healthy eating attempts that leave me ravenous enough to fall face first into a pile of chips that I've learned to pick my battles. I'm always going to need some "garbage calories" (I.e. bread? I guess?) in order to stay full without food taking over my life.

    • Xolandra says:

      Yes. Yes. We. Can.

      The thing about our corporate structure, as it currently governs our lives, is that the concessions that were won in the 40s (like, say, the 40 hour work-week) basically assume that one person is staying at home in order to maintain the household. But in the 21st century, 2 incomes are required to make ends meet. So you are stuck either a) eating "garbage food" (whatever THAT means) or b) basically organizing 80% of your off-time to procure and cook meals. Cooking takes TIME, and, like a fit body (which also requires TIME), home-prepared meals are therefore always already a status symbol. If you are hustling at 3 jobs to pay the rent, 10 minutes at a fast food joint looks way more reasonable than taking an evening out to make, cook, and consume burgers at home.

      Combine this with the moral judgement we place on food (I worked in a dessert joint for a decade, i swear to all that is holy, if I hear the phrase "I'm going to be bad and have a [insert dessert choice here]" again, ima start flipping tables. Also, I am not sure that I heard that particular phrase out of a male-presenting mouth. Ever.) and all of a sudden class becomes a question of morality, which gives one yet another reason to look down on poor people. It's a quagmire of awful.

      • Kazoogrrl says:

        We have a container of Hershey's miniatures in the office, and every time I politely refuse one my co-worker says, "Oh, you're so good" and I respond, "It has nothing to do with morality, I just don't want any chocolate".

        So I'll make sure not to get too close while I'm flipping tables next to you.

        • Xolandra says:


          Seriously. Do or do not do. There is no morality involved here ^_^

        • Absotively says:

          Office food talk is definitely worthy of table flipping.

          Though I may be more opposed to it than usual because my boss spent part of lunch loudly mansplaining about calories in minus calories out in the next room.

          • jenavira says:


            One of my coworkers is now on a diet that she describes as "chicken, fish, asparagus, and kale." Which…is not unhealthy, sure, but sounds boring as hell. Why would you do that to yourself?

          • Xolandra says:

            Offices. Wow. Yeah, I Do Not Frequent the office lunch room for many reasons, only one of them is to avoid the "you know what they say, a minute on the lips…" bullshit comments that are MADE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S LUNCHES. This actually put a colleague of mine off of her lunch to the point where she threw half of it away and I wanted to light the commenting colleague on fire with my mind.

      • Fancy_Pants says:

        YES. Exactly. Not everyone has the ability to chase some holy ideal of perfection in food. Some people are just trying to survive.

        And like Kazoogrll says below about food being morally "good" or "bad"— I'm convinced that a lot of people don't even know what food they like because it's so wrapped up in morality for them. It was amazing to me when I realized that I don't really like most cakes that much, I just eat them because I'm "treating myself" when they are available, and how many healthy foods I love.

        • jenavira says:

          Yes! Every once in a while I'll buy myself something "as a treat" and it turns out…I don't really enjoy it at all. (I just don't care about macaroni and cheese. I'm sorry.)

        • Xolandra says:

          I'm finding getting old weird, too. Like, recipes I legit used to love I'm now cutting the sugar in half for because Too Sweet, and zucchini I'm like "ALL OF IT IN MY MOUTH" whereas 20 years ago I was like ????? what's the big deal?

          Cherries tho. My love for cherries is eternal. So long as they are not made into clafoutis, which is a goddamn nightmare of a "dessert" (IMO, of course!)

    • CleverManka says:


      I ate a bag of Beanitos for dinner more than once this summer and I will probably do it again in the near future. There are only so many reheated crockpot meals I can enjoy before I would just rather not eat at all and that is not a good road for me.

      • CleverManka says:

        Also? I would love to just be able to eat a fuckin' pizza or order Chinese take-out or even eat a burger on a godamn bun once in a while and it chaps my hide when people talk about those BEAUTIFULLY DELICIOUS THINGS like they are somehow evil.

      • Onymous says:

        Firmly believe the point of growing up is eating bags of chips for dinner.

        and on that note while it's no where near a pathology I actually have the opposite problem of clean eating: a day with out a pound of jelly beans is a day I feel like I'm losing to 'the man'.

        • Xolandra says:

          I remember the first time I had chips for dinner. It was definitely the moment I knew I was grown, yep.

          • Onymous says:

            I mean really if we're being honest whats the difference between a baked potato for dinner and a bag of chips.

            wait are you in a crisps/chips country, cause I'm american and I'm using chips/fries.

            cause fries are even closer to baked potatoes.

          • Xolandra says:

            Ha, no, Canada uses US terminology for the great chip/crsip divide, although we do tend to call fries fries here, not chips.

            But a bag of fries for dinner is Weird, whereas Doritos for Dinner is, like, not entirely out of the ordinary here.

    • meat_lord says:

      Yes, we totally can, oh my god @-@

      I'd like to eat more fresh fruits and veggies and eat more home-cooked food. But in order to do that, I'd be spending the majority of my non-work time on food shopping, food prep, etc. I don't have the energy for that. I don't want to give up my decompressing time or my social time or my rare, precious free time wherein I can Do An Actual Activity. And then when you get into money–fuhgeddaboudit.

    • damngoodcoffee says:

      Agreed; I try to keep with the whole 'everything in moderation' thing that I had to force myself to learn back when I was recovering from disordered eating/body dysmorphia issues about 10 years ago. I can't get too hard on myself for whatever it is I'm eating b/c I don't want to risk my mental health. If I don't feel like doing meal prep every week I'm not going to.

      I generally hate the moralistic tone that 'clean eating' has taken. We all want to take care of ourselves, but as you said, the time/energy/money commitment to something like that makes a lot of aspects of clean eating unrealistic.

      I will say, though, that even though I'm completely on board with a lot of the criticism of 'clean eating' as a concept, I think some of the backlash takes it too far. I'm not celiac, but I seem to have some kind of sensitivity to gluten that causes me to have terrible migraines when I eat it. I don't know if that's from the gluten itself or from some particular molecule or whatever, but I do know that after several months of getting migraines at least 3x a week, giving up gluten made them go away. And yet I've met people who will say (to my face) that b/c I'm not celiac I must be experiencing the placebo effect, or doing a fad diet. So I feel like some of the backlash has become moralizing in its own way. I totally think that nature of nutrition-focused research needs to be much clearer and less sensational in general, but I also don't think that lecturing people on what they eat, on either side of the clean eating issue, is a good idea (not that this article was necessarily doing that, just that I've seen it around).

      • Fancy_Pants says:

        Agreed. How about we all listen to our bodies and figure out what makes us feel good and do that? And not assume that all bodies work the same way!

    • jenavira says:

      ALL OF THIS. (My therapist basically prescribed me frozen dinners, because I kept complaining about never having enough time.) And then there's the "perfect is the enemy of good" angle – last night I was faced with the choice between ordering a pizza or not having dinner at all. I had food in the house, but I didn't have the energy to make anything edible out of it. If I didn't order the pizza, I was gonna sit on the couch until I fell asleep, then wake up hangry and be out of temper for the next couple of days. Like. Pizza is literally the least bad option there, and pretending that other ones existed is not helpful.

    • vladazhael says:

      OH FUCK YES. Not only does it put unrealistic pressure on us for how we take care of ourselves, I'm now seeing it manifest in how guilty my best friend feels for how she feeds her kids within a crushing set of financial and logistical limitations. I see what she's doing and I think it's some sort of amazing poverty survival witchcraft, but she looks at the same thing and feels genuinely bad for not being able to afford a lot of protein sources and feeding her kids cheese sandwiches a couple nights a week. I don't know how many times I've had to reiterate that if they are fed, housed, safe, and loved, she is doing her job fantastically and everyone on Pinterest can fuck off.

  10. faintlymacabre says:

    I interned on an organic farm for about a year, and oh my goodness, the things I could talk about. Even though we received produce from work, we still worked long hard days and weren't paid much, so… the organic farmers ate a lot of crap. On lunch breaks, we would go to the store and inhale the cheapest, biggest bags of chips because we were so hungry, all the time.

    • CleverManka says:

      Thank you for chiming in on this. It's a good reminder of the "no ethical consumerism in a capitalist society" stuff. (and sorry it took me so long to approve it–I fell asleep as soon as I got home from work and just now got online again)

      • faintlymacabre says:

        No worries on reply time! It was an interesting experience. Our consumers ranged quite a bit over the socio-economic spectrum. Much to my dismay, I realized my snooty aunt was a customer on the first day I worked at the customer pickup site.

    • jenavira says:

      And the calorie load you require to do that kind of work! I remember when I first saw a full English breakfast – they talk about how big American portion sizes are, but I couldn't fathom that much food for breakfast. But I've also never done farm work – and the occasional day of heavy gardening I've done has me convinced that yeah, you would need all that food.

      (Sorry, I'm still angry about the article I was reading yesterday about the pediatric nurse who wouldn't bother to make sure that the baby in the 99th weight percentile finished his bottles, "because he's so fat, he doesn't need them." NURSE. Goddamn.)

      • Xolandra says:

        How. Seriously, nurse, you are fat shaming a BABY. It doesn't even have the language required for this to work.

        I hope she got fired.

      • Kazoogrrl says:

        I volunteered for a horse rescue one day a week for a year and a half. I drank epic amounts of hot chocolate in the winter, between the physical work and the work of keeping warm while being outside for 8 hours.

      • faintlymacabre says:

        When I'm concerned trolled about how much I'm eating, I always say that "I'm a growing girl!" It confuses most people. Seriously, let kids eat. It's kinda important.

      • faintlymacabre says:

        I ate so much then! Transitioning into an office was an adjustment. One person I worked with on the farm would fill the pockets of her overalls with granola and eat her "pocket snacks" all day.

  11. Kazoogrrl says:

    Oh, on the music rec, have I mentioned the WIzard Women of the North comp before? A lot of it is very folky, but I love the first piece by Susanne Rosenberg (a herding call), and there's one towards the end that reminds me a lot of Meredith Monk (I can't listen at work to check the title).

    • Xolandra says:

      I LOVE THIS COMP, I assumed I was the only one who knew it because I found it at the library when I was a teen!

      Also, Meredith Monk! A+

      I suddenly, overwhelmingly feel like we should have cocktails and listen to obscure women's music together.

      • Kazoogrrl says:

        And I thought I was the only one! I ran across it on Amazon a few years ago and picked it up, I need to really look into more of the performers included.

        I'm trying to listen to more female vocalists because I have a natural tendency to prefer male vocalists, especially deeper voices, unless it's weird/experimental/not-traditional-Western-pop/rock music. So basically it's a spectrum from Kate Bush to Tom Waits, which really kind of encompasses everything, right?

        Now I want to host a weird listening party at this tiny dark bar with wickedly potent cocktails that's near my work.

        • Xolandra says:

          Um. Yes, ok. Is a date. Just as soon as we get that Tardis thingy working.

          Do… Do you know Nina Hagen's work?

          • Kazoogrrl says:

            Only a teeny tiny bit but hey, some of her stuff is on Spotify so this is what I should dial up for lunchtime.

            Also, have you heard this group, their Tiny Desk Concert is awesome.

    • CleverManka says:

      Thank you! Will check this out tomorrow!

  12. jenavira says:

    Oh man, that Gratitude Lists piece is great. I've mostly found that a gratitude practice helps me – but only if I frame it as "here is a good thing that exists in the world, the whole world is not made of shit," not "look at all the ways your life isn't terrible." And of course walking that line is not always easy.

    "This Shit Sucks" lists are a great idea. I've got an essay I've been…slowly…working on about the craving for validation as a part of suffering. I'm gonna have to think about that. (And maybe re-read Bright-Sided).

    • Doc_Paradise says:

      I'm curious about what aspect of craving for validation as a part of suffering you are writing about.

      • jenavira says:

        I used to describe myself as having a persecution complex in high school, because I was Wiccan in an Evangelical community and I sometimes wished that someone would make a big deal out of it. But with the distance of time…I don't think "persecution complex" is the right term. I was also asexual but I didn't have a word for it, fighting my own gender but not really aware of it, depressed but undiagnosed, and just generally socially ostracized (largely because I didn't drink or go to church, the two main highschooler activities in my town). What I wanted was for someone to notice I was different and acknowledge it, to notice I was in pain and acknowledge it, and literally the only way I could imagine that happening was through being attacked. If it was bad enough, I thought, surely someone else would notice I was suffering and help.

        And that dynamic has played out (in smaller ways, since most of life is not the pressure-cooker of social expectations that is an American high school) in the rest of my life in ways I'm still trying to pick apart.

        • meat_lord says:

          What I wanted was for someone to notice I was different and acknowledge it, to notice I was in pain and acknowledge it–I relate immensely.

        • Doc_Paradise says:

          That was terribly hard on you and a terrible thing to go through. That younger you absolutely deserved healthy recognition. I'm glad you are here now.

          If it was bad enough, I thought, surely someone else would notice I was suffering and help.
          I thought that if I was good enough then I'd get what I needed.

          • jenavira says:

            I thought that if I was good enough then I'd get what I needed.

            Enough, enough, enough… There's that individual versus society thing, where our society puts so much pressure on us to do everything on our own that we so often lose sight of the fact that society could pull some of this weight. One of the best things to me about the idea of a universal guaranteed income is that it might help break down this idea we have that you have to be "enough" something (sick/disabled/virtuous/hardworking) in order to deserve the things you need to survive.

          • Doc_Paradise says:

            It's ridiculous that things like survival or love or health are made conditional on whatever (the bar moves). I loved it when I encountered the concept of unconditional positive regard.

          • jenavira says:


            Ugh, I need to read more psychology that's not just pop-psychology, dumbed down and without any awareness of the issues in the field. I now know enough to be an educated amateur, and I want to scream "WEIRD test subjects!" at virtually every pop psych book I pick up.

          • Doc_Paradise says:

            I'll admit to loving self-help books and pop psychology… but WOW so much of it is THIS ONE THING WILL FIX EVERYTHING BECAUSE EVERYONE IS THE SAME AND I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED BASK IN MY GENIUS.

          • jenavira says:

            Oh yeah, I can't get enough of 'em. 😀 But the way they're presented, so uncritical of their own premises, while the academic field of psychology is having a reproduction crisis of epic proportions – well.

          • Doc_Paradise says:

            Yeah, that is a problem. We aren't all white cis-men in university.

            I also have a very VERY sore spot for amateur gurus who are presenting their own personal experience as equivalent to studies. I've got a few books that I've thrown down stairs or which cause instant ranting in me when I think of them.

        • damngoodcoffee says:

          I relate to this so hard; for me it is asexuality, since I only realized I was a few years ago, and sometimes I just want something to happen that makes my coworkers realize I didn't choose this, and some aspects of it (both now and the way I grew up because of it) really effing suck. Acknowledgement and validation, indeed. Though I'm hoping more representation (of religion, of sexual orientation, and of so many other things that make up people's identities) will help with that.

          • jenavira says:

            Representation to give young people the words and stories they need to describe their own experiences. Visibility to remind everyone that not everybody is exactly like them. Yeah.

    • meat_lord says:

      Yeah. Being able to identify and recognize the bad stuff in your life, to scream out that it hurts, is cathartic (at least for me) and helps me begin to take action. That's important for me, because feeling trapped in an unpleasant situation sends me straight to crazytown, and because I often feel like I have to tolerate stuff that makes me suffer.

      • jenavira says:

        And being able to recognize that bad stuff is happening and it's bad enough to be worth doing something about is the hurdle I always run straight into. I always get this tremendous rush of relief when someone tells me, "wow, that sucks," or when I get an actual response from a doctor or a therapist, because it's like, Oh, I'm not just being dramatic, this really is bad.

  13. Absotively says:

    I have occasionally found gratitude lists of a very particular kind helpful, but the ones the article described sound dreadful.

    I got my gratitude list instructions from a book called 59 Seconds, about quick things from psychology studies that you can use to affect your brain. They discussed a study showing that writing down three things you are grateful for can increase your happiness slightly for several days.

    The thing is, that's all the book recommends. There's nothing about an "attitude of gratitude" or coming up with as many things as possible or even re-reading or thinking about them once you write them down. Come up with three things, write them down, throw out the paper if you like, go on with your day.

    That seems to work for me, provided I don't expect huge results. But a lot of the other advice about gratitude seems to be based on the idea that if a little is good, more must be better, no matter how much you have to force it. This sounds both unreasonable and aggravating to me.

    • faintlymacabre says:

      Yeah, a yoga video I watch has a bit at the end when the teacher says to think of three things you're grateful for, and I enjoy that. It's not an everything has a silver lining, it's just an oasis of good in a desert of crap. Definitely important to acknowledge the good and bad, I think.

    • CleverManka says:

      That sounds a lot like the way affirmations work, which are a thing I used to poo-poo but have recently begun to understand and appreciate.

  14. redheadfae says:

    There is so much wonderful here today in links, that it's going to take me a few days to process it all!

    Also, I am going to take my fashion choices for winter from those matriarchs.

  15. Kazoogrrl says:

    Finally hitting the gratitude article, and the writer's experience reminds of of the Pity Olympics, and how I refuse to participate. I can recognize the shitty situations other people are in, and try to help or mitigate them, without invalidating my own experience.

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