Mid-week check-in

Clever Manka, · Categories: Check-In

This is the weekly post for those of us who are traversing together this hellscape called Personal Growth. Brag about this week’s accomplishments, ask for support, talk about what worked, what didn’t. Tell us how things are going for you.

194 Responses to “Mid-week check-in”

  1. CleverManka says:

    Apologies for not catching the wrong link for yesterday's collection. For anyone who needs or wants it, the collection is here.

    Things are not great. I'm hoping hard that Amy the Nutritionist works some miracles for me because I'm having a tough time keeping it together right now.

    I finally got the doxepin to work for me (at 10x the starting dose). I wake only once during the night, and can usually fall back asleep, but I think it gives me headaches. I've woken with a headache the past few mornings but there's a slight chance they might be weather-related. I'm going to try not taking it for a couple days when the weather clears up for a span of several days again. Tough for that right now, though. Kansas weather is erratic when the seasons aren't changing.

    If I continue to feel the way I've felt since Friday evening, there's no way I'm going to be able to go see Kesha week after next and that's just…more than I can emotionally bear right now.

  2. Doc_Paradise says:

    My guts have finally gone back to normal so I'm trying to catch up on everything I put down while I was ill. This includes trip planning. (Lee… I sent you an email.) Looking at my itinerary… I've realized that I'm packing it full of learning experiences. I think I've missed having my brain stuffed full of things to mull over later.

    Er… I just remembered I put tea on half an hour ago… Perhaps I better deal with that.

    • CleverManka says:

      I love that forgetting one's tea seems to be a universal experience. Also I love that you're feeling well enough to pick things back up again! YAY!

      • Doc_Paradise says:

        Got it now.

        It was weird… I was all misery and stomach problems and probiotics and tea and being careful about food. Then I popped awake in the middle of the night and realized that my stomach had settled and I felt fine. It took over a week, but I'm so relieved.

      • ru_ri says:

        Oh-Shit-the-Tea (as well as its companion experience, Oh-Shit-the-Rice) is more the rule than the exception for me. Someday I will get a timer and remember to set it!

        • Doc_Paradise says:

          Would that even help? My kettle and rice cooker both make noise…. *throws up arms*

          • CleverManka says:

            I've trained myself to respond immediately when the microwave timer (which is what I use) goes off. And I plant myself near the kitchen so I'm sure to hear it. If I'm upstairs or if I say "I'll just finish this email first" that tea will sit for HOURS.

          • RoseCamelia says:

            This. Making tea means doing something odious while waiting for it to be drinkable. Then it's "oh thank goodness I can stop this odious chore now and enjoy my tea."

    • Doc_Paradise says:

      Speaking of things I'm learning… I'm reading a book on Narrative Mediation and I particularly like what I'm hearing. I want to take a course because the concepts in it seem to dovetail well with my own inclinations. Which works well with my desire to do meaningful work because, these days, dealing with conflict is important.

      Anyway… I like that there are words for certain concepts. For instance:

      "Every story offers people positions to take up in relation to each other. Remember that therese stories and the positions they offer are constructed in discourse. They are embedded in the stuff of conversation. They therefore are sometimes not immediately obvious, usually because they are sitting right under our noses. For example, when a person complains about how someone els has treated them, the person might take the position of victim in relation to the other. At the same time, the person constructs the relational position of villain for the other person. As the person speaks from this position, the story that is told contains expressions that take for granted this relational dynamic. Each such expression calls the person hearing it into a position from which to respond (for example, oppressive villain or sympathetic ally). One can either enter into the position into which one has been called, or one can refuse to do so. This is the notion of position calls." — pp. 73-74, Narrative Mediation

      I'm working my way through the chapter on working with entitlement next.

      • Xolandra says:

        This sounds really interesting! And much more engaging than my usual "count to four" meditation techniques.

        • Doc_Paradise says:

          Mediation (conflict resolution) not meditation.

          • Xolandra says:

            THAT MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE.

            I really have to get back into reading. I'm clearly out of practice, hahaha

          • Doc_Paradise says:

            Basically, this is a book on conflict resolution using narratives/stories to address people in conflict through the context of their stories rather than a problem-solving based approach.

            I should probably read some fiction too now and then. 😛

            (and now I have to go stop my cat from licking all the plastics…)

  3. meat_lord says:

    Exciting work kerfuffle today. HAAAAAAATE IT.

  4. damngoodcoffee says:

    Things at work are tension-filled in all the not-great ways. It sucks b/c I really like my job, and don't just view it as a stepping stone to what I want to do next. I feel like there's a lot I can learn and get out of this, and a lot I can contribute. But there's also a lot of b.s. going on now, in a way that makes me wonder how people have gotten as far as they have in their careers when they have the emotional maturity of 13 year-olds.

    I'm staying late tonight but get to leave early on Friday, and my parents are visiting this weekend so we can take a trip to Salem. 🙂

    • Doc_Paradise says:

      Maybe a cookie and a nap for everyone would help?

    • CleverManka says:

      makes me wonder how people have gotten as far as they have in their careers when they have the emotional maturity of 13 year-olds.
      Well look who we've got running the US of A…

      I hope your trip to Salem is lovely! What are your plans?

      • damngoodcoffee says:

        Too right. This is why I keep trying to be like, well, it's not like any place is perfect. I just… the number of grown adults who will get passive aggressive and snippy with me for doing my job (and doing it nicely, btw, which is not something they can say for themselves) – guh. My own team all really get along and do our jobs well, and I swear it's like some other people at work resent the hell out of us for it.

        We plan to tour downtown historic Salem. I went with a my sister and cousin a couple of years ago and we did all the commercial stuff (went to the wand shop, toured the places where they filmed 'Hocus Pocus,' etc.), but it's my dad's b-day and he's a history buff, so we're going that route this time. I do wish I knew people in the area that were horror fans, as there's obviously some cool horror-related stuff there going on for Halloween, but I'll see if I can do that next year.

        • CleverManka says:

          My own team all really get along and do our jobs well, and I swear it's like some other people at work resent the hell out of us for it.
          Ugh, I've seen that before. Sorry it's the case with you right now.

          This is a super old interview with one of our faculty but I'm sure he still does research on the Salem witchcraft trials. You want me to ask if he has any tour tips for history fans?

          • damngoodcoffee says:

            Sure- thank you! I feel like it's going to be a really interesting trip, because of just how much the whole thing has been/continues to be sensationalized. I always have such weird feelings about Salem, even though in general I also love all things spooky, and really, it's not like there's a lot of land in the U.S. that doesn't have some awful/violent history behind it.

          • CleverManka says:

            Peter says: "I haven’t been back for quite a few years, so I’m not sure exactly what is on offer anymore. However, one general piece of advice I would have is not to go to Salem primarily, but to Danvers (formerly Salem Village). It is in Danvers that most of the events took place. There is a listing of some of the most important places/sights here, including the memorial."

        • Flitworth says:

          Salem is a trip. I got spoken to by one of the woo-woo shop owners because of how my energy was affecting her dog.

          Have a good time:) The house of the seven gables is there and it's neat.

          • damngoodcoffee says:

            That is on our list! We recently got mood rings at work (planning for '60s party this spring :)), so maybe I should wear mine to colorfully project my emotional energy for the woo-woo shop owners.

    • littleinfinity says:

      how people have gotten as far as they have in their careers when they have the emotional maturity of 13 year-olds

      A-FUCKING-MEN. A daily wonder and amazement to me.

      • damngoodcoffee says:

        Right? So far I've seen, among other things, the following behavior: running out of multiple meetings crying; only being able to communicate through passive aggression; taking credit for others' work behind their back; having yelling matches within earshot of students; strategically withholding information from employees to push your own agenda through; etc., etc. It's not everyone, but it's enough people that I feel like I'm learning a lot about how not to behave as you advance in your career.

  5. Xolandra says:

    Hello hello! Thanksgiving weekend was… an eventful weekend around our place. GentlemanX and I had some Tough Conversations, and it occurred to me that I always initiate Tough Conversations in the fall? Like, literally a year ago almost to the day we had the exact same conversation. And I know it was exactly the same because he told me it was. So on the one hand AT LEAST I AM CONSISTENT and OTOH, then do something about it, because believe you me I also don't want to be having the same effing conversation annually either.

    In better news, ima snarf a bagel and then go to the Winners to see if they don't have some stocking because I love the ever living HELL out of my garter belt and it is getting on the season for hose. Capitalism sucks, but that doesn't mean that retail therapy isn't a thing! SPEAKING OF, I got new lipstick last night! It is the blue one: http://exclaim.ca/music/article/weaves_get_their_

    And re: music – I listened to this EP today and feel richer for the experience: https://timedance.bandcamp.com/album/intrigued-by

    • Doc_Paradise says:

      The fall feels more like the new year to me than January does (probably all those years of school). It is very much a "start new things and revive old things that have been put down" time of the year for me.

      I'm curious, you don't have to respond if you don't want… What is it that you want to get done or have changed?

      • Xolandra says:

        Ah. Uhm. Those are… deep feels that I am not sure I want to splatter all over the Intertubes, and there are a lot of concomitant factors, but. Mostly I fear that what we have is a failure to communicate, in that I feel lost and moorless and kind of like I don't even know my partner any more and when I'm like "paint me your emotional tapestry" he responds with "I don't words good, like my father before me" and I want to flip tables and scream because WTF motherfucker, you think I came by this naturally? NO, I PRACTICED TALKING ABOUT MY EMOTIONS. I also feel simultaneously taken for grated and also somehow not-at-all appreciated. Like, he tells me on the regular that I am amazing, but never, like, plans an evening to please or impress me because he's already done that why would he need to do that more?

        And I feel badly, because he's a GREAT dude on a lot of levels – he gets out of bed to make me coffee every morning, whether he needs to be awake or not, he will go to superhuman lengths to please me (if I provide him with a detailed frigging road map, but never surprises), he never does anything but not at my feminist/anti-racist rantings even though he's a cis het white dude… he is flawless in all the ways that matter. But when I look into his eyes I do not see a man that is loving his life and I don't know what, if anything, i can do about that, and it makes me feel badly because idk if I'm what he's not loving or if it is surviving capitalism that he's not loving or if he just needs a fucking vacation (he hasn't taken one since 2014 because that's when he quit his job because I had a nervous breakdown and told him he could keep his job or me but not both and now he feels like he doesn't deserve a vacation somehow?) or WHAT and when I ask he just looks blankly at me and says "i don't know" and then quietly has panic attacks and I am AT MY WIT'S END.

        So much for not splattering everything all over the internets. In my defense, I COULD GO ON.

        He has, at least, acknowledged that he should be looking for professional help even though he is scared that he will get to a shrink and have nothing to say because he doesn't words well and won't THAT be a waste of time and resources. Baby steps. Annual. Frigging. Baby. Steps.

        • Flitworth says:

          That's a lot!

          I hope he gets some help because it sounds like he needs it (we all do). It sounds like there's backlog of feels to be processed for everyone involved. I hope things progress.

          My dad is taciturn and still goes to a therapist. He views it as paying money to say all the things he can't elsewhere, it's not even a process for him but it seems to work. The right therapist will probably help him word gooder.

          You org'd a special night for Mr. X recently yes? I have found that I used to do things like that in part with a desire/expectation of reciprocation but that partners didn't regularly interpret special things I did for them as a sign that it's something I'd like in return. But I bet there's a lot of meaning and love in the act of making you coffee every morning whether it's realized consciously.

          • Xolandra says:

            YEP, thank you for validating that what feels like a crushing mountain of gross is, in fact, a crushing mountain of gross.

            I did, yes, but I do not think out of expectations that such a gesture would be confirmed. Like. I don't want him to take a week and a half to organize spending a day with me. I want him to want to spend a day with me out of desire instead of habit. I feel like I am his default at all times, which is 100% because He Likes Me Best but feels like it is because he just hasn't bothered to seek out other options. Part of the "failure to communicate" is, I think that his love language has stopped feeling like love and mostly at this point feels like habit and I am Not Here for Being Someone's Habit, even if it is a good, comfortable one.

        • CleverManka says:

          Yeah, the excuse of not having the language for it only works for a while. After that (and repeated requests to develop the language), it…doesn't. And re-hashing the same conversation every year is the worst. The Burgomaster and I had many of the same repeated fights conversations for years but for him it was more because he can't apply similar situations to different circumstances. So until he experienced something in enough variations, it all seemed like a different fight conversation.

          Maybe GentlemanX could ask his doctor (or some other person in the know) about specific recommendations for therapists who are especially good at teasing out emotional language from hesitant clients. If nothing else, you maybe explain to him that learning how to communicate his emotions is actually a good and necessary thing to practice (because it would please you and he likes to please you)? And doing so with a therapist might be easier than with you.

          Good luck.

        • Doc_Paradise says:

          It looks like you got some validating responses. Would you like a response that is more challenging than validating?

        • Doc_Paradise says:

          When you talk about your partner (in general) I get a strong impression that you have contempt for him.

          Are you aware of that your presentation can be interpreted that way?

          Contempt is lethal to intimacy and relationships. If you are contemptuous of him, then perhaps it is worth looking at what is keeping you in this relationship.

          If you do not feel contempt (or my observation was a surprise to you), then it might be worth looking at what is happening with you that leads to this interpretation. Habits of behaviour, childhood learnings on how to behave, self-protection, unresolved issues, trauma, expectations of relationship roles, fear/anger/helplessness/etc, can all leak out into behaviour. Is there something going on with you that needs looking at?

          1 of 3

          • Xolandra says:

            I await more with baited breath.

            But yes. Tone. I am _terrible_ with tone and if you are getting contempt here then I cannot imagine what he hears coming out of my mouth.

        • Doc_Paradise says:

          "he hasn't taken one since 2014 because that's when he quit his job because I had a nervous breakdown and told him he could keep his job or me but not both"

          That was an ultimatum.

          Ultimatums have collateral damage. Specifically, emotional and relational collateral damage. Being on the pointy end of an ultimatum can be devastating… EVEN IF it all turns out for the best.

          Have you each dealt with what it did to you to go through an ultimatum situation? How did each of you face the costs to yourself and to the other? Have the costs been acknowledged?

          He might not have a communication problem, he might have a safety problem. If he feels unsafe talking about his emotions in general or to you in particular, then it may be safer (in a very real way) to plead incompetence. Patriarchy really shits on men who admit to feeling things like this. Feeling unsafe also shits on intimacy.

          Back to the ultimatum… he chose you. Whatever the cost to him, he chose you. It sounds like he is still choosing you ("he will go to superhuman lengths to please me") every day.

          So… what were you and he expecting would happen?

          If I were to read between the lines on him and speculate… maybe he thought everything would be okay if he quit his job? That you would be happy? That your relationship would be okay? That it would be enough? Was he expecting to be okay with it?

          This is another place Patriarchy shits on men. It teaches them that sacrificing for family (coring themselves out and shutting down their emotions in the process) is a thing that they should do. It can be devastating to them if it doesn't work. It can feel helpless and hopeless to do all the "right" things and have it not work or get worse… and to see a loved one hurt.

          2of 3

          • Xolandra says:

            Yes yes and yes. The safety thing came out this weekend, has been coming out a lot lately, actually. I asked him, this weekend, to try to assume better intentions on my part.

            I remember particularly one conversation in which he tried to clarify our schedules for the next two weekends and he mixed two events up and I laughed and replied with "no, event a happens sat and event _next_ friday" (or something along those lines) and he got really mad at me for laughing at him, while I was merely expressing delight that I, once again, had a packed enough social calendar that it is confusing."

            What do you do, Doc, when someone will go to superhuman lengths to please you but you only want them to find their own wings? I want to dance my way through life with another human, not be pushed around in a wheelchair.

            NB: all of this is compounded by the fact that GentlemanX quit his job but didn't really quit his job (still working the same job, just with the ability to say no because contract not salary) and ALSO has remained un(der)employed since. So yeah, patriarchy is shitting on him a LOT these days for a lot of reasons. Which I get! For sure!

        • Doc_Paradise says:

          Whatever his situation is, what he decides to do with it is his.

          What if this is the way it is going to be. How do you feel about that? What if there is no way to force him into getting help or communicating in the way you want? What if this is what he is willing to bring to the table?

          It is pretty clear that you have needs and wants in your life that aren't fulfilled. Knowing what they are (separate from how you expect to get them filled) is important.

          What are those wants and needs?
          What of those are essential and which are flexible?
          Where do they come from?
          What can you do to deal with them?

          You've been through a lot (sickness, changes, stressors, etc). It is perfectly normal to find yourself "lost and moorless" and questioning everything after going through something as big as you have gone through.

          Part of healing is finding your feet again… and they are sure to land in a different place than you were before. Both of you are probably going through this. It may be a point of commonality for you to share together… I mean… HOLY SHIT, LOOK AT WHAT YOU BOTH WENT THROUGH. WOW YOU TWO ARE BOTH FUCKING TOUGH FOR FACING THAT.

          I mean, step back… look at what you have gone through together. Good grief, you are both super villains/heroes (your choice) for that. Consider giving each other gold stars for surviving.

          3 of 3

          • Xolandra says:

            Thank you.

            I think a LOT of what I struggle with is that I have found my feet, but in the process, he has lost his. Or also not found his? Idk, things were bad for both of us there for a while. I have answers to some of the above, but I think I will leave them for now. This is, after all, the Internet.

            But thank you, again, for asking the hard questions. I know what I'll be chewing on as I walk home!

    • Doc_Paradise says:

      BTW… Your music shares are always interesting. This one is no exception.

  6. Flitworth says:

    Whinge:
    I have been hiding in my bed the moment all minimum adulting requirements are met at home. Having family visit just stirs up all the feelings about my mom's death, even though I love them (probably because, actually). We're also low on emotional energy and have to survive another 3 months until there's any shift in the tiny human legal situation.

    Husband keeps trying to let the goats be goats in the garden but they keep breaking out, which I guess is also goats being goats. Wet goat doesn't smell great, btw. The other night I was afraid they had bloat and spent a half hour trying to massage their abdomens and help them burp. They're all fine and I think just prone to looking like bowling balls on legs.

    I had lunch w/ a former manager for advice on next steps. I appreciate her on many levels. The dysfunction here is just exhausting and baffling.

    Good news:

    I made samosas and they were excellent. So good, they were tasty for cold breakfast the next day. The recipe was from The Spice Box, I omitted the anise. I also made saag from turnip greens (added bought paneer, which I deep fried in remaining samosa oil), and the korma recipe Manka posted a while ago. Add a can of chana masala and a jar of tikka and you have indian buffet at home!

    • CleverManka says:

      That food all sounds delicious, oh my gosh.

      I have been hiding in my bed a lot, too.
      <img src="https://ic.pics.livejournal.com/clevermanka/1047329/355501/355501_900.gif"&gt;

    • redheadfae says:

      Hugs if needed/wanted… and Oh Goodness that supper sounds delish!

    • Absotively says:

      YOU CAN GET CHANA MASALA IN A CAN?

      *researches locally-available options* Ok, no cans here, but a microwavable pouch will do.

      The homemade food sounds more delicious, but pre-made chana masala is a lot more at my time commitment level.

      The family and goat issues do sound very stressful. May your goats settle into a non-escaping routine, and your family stuff settle into a less draining pattern.

      • Räven says:

        I believe India is largely responsible for the existence of foil pouch foods, developed as army rations. I am especially partial to the Kitchens of India brand which is slightly less salty than many of the others, but I also usually just add unsalted greens to my plate of rice and pouch meal and it works out.

    • Kazoogrrl says:

      Did I tell you how friends had a rent-a-goat-herd to clear out part of their property? One day they left for work, 12 goats, they came back, 13 goats. As the owner said, "Huh, that one did look a little round."

  7. Rillquiet says:

    I had a difficult "so, you're a well-meaning white guy who thinks he's oppressed" conversation with someone over the weekend, and while I don't pretend to have fixed the world or his view of it, there were a couple of moments where it seemed like the needle moved a smidge. Every little bit helps, as the old woman said as she pissed in the sea.

  8. mowinda says:

    New office co-worker (not permanent, thank the Lord) FREAKED OUT for all of 10 minutes because she lost her earring this morning. Then she found it in her shirt and started laughing. Needless to say, I cannot handle the emotional highs and lows of new office co-worker.

    Otherwise! I am thinking about taking a post-grad certification course in Advanced CBT techniques, and also thinking about starting doing some fee for service work at an agency because I got my independent clinical social work license last year. I don't really want to have basically an extra part time job but I don't see any way to get more clinical experience under my belt.

    There's also a job posting I keep seeing that looks really good but really intimidating so I'm working up the courage to apply.

    I hope everyone who lives in CA is okay!

    • CleverManka says:

      Well if you want to move to the hell that is the US Midwest, my area apparently doesn't have a single CBT therapist (according to the therapist I fired, who said that was probably what I was looking for but had no recommendations, because none in our area wtf).

      • mowinda says:

        I have been tempted in the past few years to pack up and move somewhere more remote (Montana isn't the midwest but I went there last year and loved it). I might consider it after I'm CBT trained and after my loans are taken care of!

        • CleverManka says:

          The Burgomaster lived in Montana for a while! He thought it was beautiful, too, but from his stories the sexism there is horrifying–especially in the remote areas. Like, single women weren't allowed to patronize the town's single restaurant (which was also a bar) unless accompanied by a man.

          • mowinda says:

            WOW. That is..intense levels of sexism. That reminds me that on the same trip we were driving through Wyoming and stopped to eat at a town called Ten Sleep. Everyone in this bar was wearing shirts that said This Is Ten Sleep and then on the back of the shirt was the acronym from that phrase in huge letters which was….delightful! /s

      • redheadfae says:

        I heard Bert Nash had one, but they move on so regularly, so maybe not now. I could ask mine if you like?

  9. Heathered says:

    FIres are still firey in NorCal and the air is horrible, but I saw people in a FB group arguing vigorously over whether it was better or worse than nothing to make an ersatz mask out of a sanitary napkin and bandanna, so it seems like people are holding up okay. Wind is supposed to pick up again, though, so it's not over yet.

    • CleverManka says:

      I'm intrigued by this FB discussion. Was anything ever resolved? Seems like worse than nothing would be odd, but maybe the stuff in pads shouldn't be close to one's face for other reasons than ridiculous squeamishness…

      • Heathered says:

        The thinking behind it is that rather than filtering out impurities it will make you breathe harder and take more of them in. I've never worn protection, even in fires where there was 0 visibility downtown from smoke (it's just hazy today but you can feel it), but if I can find an M or N95(? the smoke particle-y kind) of mask I'll strap it on. Oy vey.

        • damngoodcoffee says:

          Goodness, stay safe! I can see that reasoning, on the sanitary napkin mask. Do they have pop up shops that sell the smoke particle filtering masks when something like this happens?

    • Rillquiet says:

      This sounds like a Telephone-type revisiting of the early WWI protection against gas: urine-soaked socks or handkerchiefs tied across the mouth and nose.

      For the record, I do not endorse pee-soaked air filtration, but I hope you can stay safe and well.

    • mowinda says:

      Glad you're holding up! Hope things stay okay. I was tempted to say "would a cheese cloth work" but then I realized no one has cheese cloth anymore.

      • damngoodcoffee says:

        I feel like I've seen articles that mention it a lot (like on beauty websites), but have never actually seen them in stores, I don't think.

      • CleverManka says:

        Lots of craft stores carry cheesecloth this time of year!

      • Heathered says:

        I totally have cheesecloth! But it's really gauzy, so I don't think it would filter much out unless I folded it really thick, like a sanitary pad! Stupid east-to-west winds enabled fire to jump around a lot today, but downtown remains safe for now.

    • littleinfinity says:

      Supposedly a wet bandanna helps? It might just make your airways feel a little better by adding some moisture, rather than actually filtering anything out.

  10. Absotively says:

    Fridge shopping is trickier than expected, because none of the appliance places stay open into the evening and I didn't have time to get to any of them after picking up a package from FedEx yesterday. But! I have asked people for appliance store recommendations, and thrown out the contents of old fridge, and gone to the library to look at Consumer Reports, and looked at the fridge options at The Bay (which is open later, but doesn't actually keep fridges in stock, so if I bought one there it would take over a week to arrive), and have a very clear idea what I am looking for in a fridge now.

    Today's fridge shopping attempt will be at a scratch-and-dent appliance place that a coworker has recommended.

    Walking to the grocery store before work to get a pre-made sandwich for lunch is working out rather nicely, I think I'm having tastier and healthier lunches than I usually manage when I do have home refrigeration. I should see if I can make it an ongoing habit.

    Off to doctor tomorrow for MRI results.

    • CleverManka says:

      Best wishes with the MRI and do feel free to share your fridge stories because the Burgomaster and I have needed a new one for years but I am so picky and I refuse to get a side-by-side. I want my freezer on the bottom, with a single door! Why is it so difficult to find one that doesn't have terrible reviews?

      • Absotively says:

        I suspect we're looking at very slightly different categories of fridge. I only have room for a 30" wide one, and nearly all the fridges I've looked at have single doors. But it does seem like french doors are a lot more common on wider fridges.

        • CleverManka says:

          I would much prefer a smaller/narrower fridge, so please feel free to send any info. You can email me if you'd rather!

          • Absotively says:

            Here is all my research so far, while I'm waiting for my computer to finish a thing:

            Consumer Reports basically said that all the brands they had data on were about the same for reliability, and quite reliable, for models without icemakers. I don't want an icemaker, so I didn't worry about the models with them. Every single door bottom freezer model they rated had excellent temperature performance and excellent efficiency. So I'm not worrying about brand and reviews too much, it sounds like they're probably all basically fine. This may be a more relaxed approach to reviews than you want to take, since you're not in a rush.

            I've mostly just looked at the Whirlpool ones so far. They only really have two 30" bottom freezer models, in different colours. There's the one where the freezer has a door with a shelf and a drawer inside, and the one where the freezer basically *is* a drawer with a smaller drawer above/inside it. Both are Energy Star models. The drawer-freezer model is more expensive, but it does seem like it might be more convenient. It does have a fixed divider in the middle of the main freezer drawer, but it looks like a turkey would probably fit on either side of the divider, so that's probably fine. Otherwise, the shelves and bins in both seemed fine to me.

            Also, IKEA has one that looks basically identical to the Whirlpool with the door-freezer. Since it seems that Whirlpool makes IKEA appliances, I'm assuming it's the same but without the "Whirlpool" badge and maybe with a slightly different handle. It's stainless, which is not my preferred finish, but they have them in stock at my local IKEA, so I may well go with that if I can't get anything else in less than a week. As long as the hinge is reversible, because I want the hinge on the left, and it's shown on the right. I suspect it is reversible, but it doesn't actually say, so I'll have to check that if I decide to go that route.

            I did look briefly at the Amana models in the catalog the guy at The Bay had, but they weren't Energy Star. And they didn't have floor models to look at.

            In the interests of actually doing research, I have now looked up the GE options. They also have two models, one door-freezer and one drawer-freezer, in various finishes. But their drawer-freezer model has an icemaker, so that rules it out for me.

            Whirlpool does have a smaller-capacity, extra-narrow, extra-tall, counter-depth one which wouldn't fit in my kitchen but which looks *very* stylish. It's pricier, though, and the narrowness seems like it might be inconvenient. It's definitely meant for people who are currently renovating their kitchens for increased stylishness.

            Summary: There aren't many options, but most of the options that do exist seem fine to me.

          • CleverManka says:

            This is incredibly helpful, thank you! Especially the bit about the IKEA one. I looked really hard at that one in the store. It's the perfect size and configuration and I didn't realize Whirlpool was the manufacturer. You might have made my decision for me!
            <img src="https://ic.pics.livejournal.com/clevermanka/1047329/381972/381972_900.gif"&gt;

          • Absotively says:

            I was a bit surprised when everyone online said they were Whirlpool, but then I found the IKEA Canada appliance support page and it has a link to the Whirlpool manual search, so that confirms it!

            The non-IKEA version does come in white and black, which are a bit cheaper (MSRP) than both the IKEA and the non-IKEA stainless. So that's a thing to consider, depending how you feel about fridge colours. Probably any appliance or department store would order it for you, even if they don't have one on the floor.

          • CleverManka says:

            Normally I would spring for the stainless, but I don't know how long we're going to be in this house…

          • Absotively says:

            Stainless might appeal more to potential buyers, so I think you can still justify it.

          • Absotively says:

            Also, I forgot this because my anti-stainless bias makes me think of the IKEA one as a last resort, but the IKEA one has a five year warranty, and the Whirlpool-branded ones only have one year warranties.

          • Absotively says:

            Oh! And! Consumer Reports didn't particularly endorse extended warranties. They said that most fridges don't end up needing repairs in the extended warranty period, and for those that do, the cost of just paying for the repair is generally not much more than the warranty would have been.

          • CleverManka says:

            Yeah, I think extended warranties in general are kinda worthless. Things these days are just designed to fail and that's something we gotta live with. =/

          • redheadfae says:

            2nd Time Around has pretty decent units if you really want to save, but I still think the Clearance at NFM has a good selection.

          • CleverManka says:

            I hadn't even thought about attempting NFM. And I probably won't, tbh. I just don't have the stamina for it, and I already saw the IKEA one in person when we went a couple years ago…

          • redheadfae says:

            Oh good! Can you just order it and have it delivered?

          • Absotively says:

            The IKEA website says the bottom freezer model they have now is new. But my guess is it's probably 99% the same and they've just updated the compressor motor or something. They've got pretty decent pictures online if you want to check if it's still like the one you saw.

          • CleverManka says:

            Thank you! That looks like it. And hurray it doesn't' look like the new model has an icemaker, either!

          • ru_ri says:

            Having experienced both bottom-drawer and bottom-door freezers, I have found the drawer to be a far better option. The bottom-door freezer was always dark and hard to access and I could never find anything. The drawer was easier to organize and actually locate what I wanted.

            Just a data point on the spectrum, if it helps at all.

            Good hunting!

          • Absotively says:

            This is good to know, because I've ended up with a bottom-drawer freezer!

            Old fridge was bottom-door, and it was ok, but it wasn't the easiest thing to organize ever.

          • CleverManka says:

            Thank you! It seemed that way to me, just looking at them, but it's helpful to have it verified by a reliable source.

          • redheadfae says:

            AGREE 100%. You can make dividers in the drawer for keeping it organized. Unless you have a "paws through the drawer like a mad raccoon" spouse. Ahem.

          • CleverManka says:

            I think the only thing the Burgomaster ever gets out of the freezer is ice, so I'm safe there. =D

    • redheadfae says:

      Best wishes on all of that.
      We got a floor model that had a dent, but it was in the back side, so hidden by the counter beside it. Of course, it didn't clue us in to how easy it would dent, so the front door of it has magnets and pics hiding the ones we put in it, lol.

      • Absotively says:

        This is a good point. I suppose I should balance how good a deal the dented ones are against how dentable they seem likely to be.

        But my fridge does end up with a bunch of stuff stuck to the front anyways, so it'll probably be fine regardless.

        • redheadfae says:

          That's how I justified it as well. We bought a Samsung at Best Buy a few years ago and it's been doing exactly what fridges are supposed to do.

          • Absotively says:

            It ended up that they didn't have any bottom-freezer ones that would fit in my kitchen, so it didn't matter.

            This particular place includes appliances from showhomes and the like, so I think some of them are actually very lightly used rather than scratched and/or dented. They did have good prices, and were very friendly, so I will keep them in mind if someone asks for recommendations.

            I looked at some Samsungs, but they were all too fancy and/or too big, so Whirlpool was the final choice.

          • redheadfae says:

            My dad has an old Whirlpool in the basement that has worked for 55 years!

    • RoseCamelia says:

      Because we move often, Mr Rose and I almost as often buy appliances. Here's what I've learned.

      Refrigerator repair people are an excellent source for reliability info.

      After you have a short list of makes and models you like, choose your vendor by who does repairs. NB: I am *not* talking about warranty, exactly. A warranty is worthless if it requires, for very irritating recent example, a visit from a Sears repair person.

      I was happy with purchases through small, local shops that had a good reputation for *repair*. That reputation included swift response.

      • Absotively says:

        I ended up going to Trail Appliances, which has a bunch of locations but all in Western Canada, so it's local-ish and big-ish but not huge. The scratch-n-dent place didn't have any bottom freezer fridges that were small enough.

        They have a parts department. It's probably fine.

        And they gave me a good deal. Apparently they have a policy of trying to get you a fridge extra soon if your old one is totally dead, which mine is. They had the door-freezer model on display, but they couldn't get me one in less than a week. Then I noticed that they had a larger version of the drawer-freezer one on display, with a sticker mentioning that they could get the smaller version. So I asked about it, and not only were they able to find one for me in Calgary, but they were willing to sell it to me at the door-freezer price. I'm lucky I didn't notice the drawer-freezer one first!

  11. Kazoogrrl says:

    Spent yesterday yelling about Bladerunner to a friend who refuses to acknowledge the sexism, and she wrote a Medium article about her perspective . Peaced out of our discussion when she described the critics who are pointing sexism out as "the same 12 SJWs". Manka, this is the almost good but super white feminist woman.

    I have energy and time for nothing new, but I have to somehow find the reserves to job hunt before my job kills me. I can't handle it's dusfunctionality any more.

    And gathering the emotional energy to talk to J about the immediate need for him to act like a grown up around the house, or our relationship will be in instant and dire jeopardy.

    • damngoodcoffee says:

      I haven't seen either the original or new Bladerunner, but I would be interested to hear your thoughts! I know the feels of getting into an argument w/someone who refuses to see the sexism in media. Like, I'm not saying (to that person) that they can't like it, or that liking it makes them in any way bad! Just that I see sexism and I think that that should be acknowledged instead of immediately dismissed/excused. Really, this has been an ongoing frustration in like every fandom I've been in. I'm sorry you had to deal w/that kind of thing w/a friend.

      • Kazoogrrl says:

        I am making a note to come back to this, I dropped some links Monday (?) I think, but I want to round them up for anyone who might like them, so I'll have those, too. I liked it, not as much as the first, but when a film sequel is more sexist than the first? That's a bunch of BS.

      • Kazoogrrl says:

        OK, I'm going to drop all my current links here. I don't agree with all of the points, but am down with a lot of them. If you want to go spoiler free, check out the Daily Dot and the Sept 29th Birth Movies Death one, the rest have spoilers. The later BMD one is more pointed about the film's issues. I did really like the movie, it's just disappointing to see how things can get worse over time.
        https://www.wired.com/story/blade-runner-2049-pol
        http://birthmoviesdeath.com/2017/09/29/blade-runn
        http://birthmoviesdeath.com/2017/10/11/blade-runn
        https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/oct/09/is-b
        http://movieweb.com/blade-runner-2049-woman-probl
        https://www.dailydot.com/parsec/blade-runner-2049
        http://www.overinvestedpodcast.com/episodes/blade… : "It's just hard to focus on a movie about dehumanization when you're feeling, low-key dehumanized"

        • CleverManka says:

          Thank you. I think there's a very good chance I'm not going to bother seeing this in the theater and I haven't even read those articles yet.

        • damngoodcoffee says:

          Thank you for posting all this!

          ETA: OMG what a mistake I made reading the comments on that BMD review. The first one of course starts out w/'well as a white male I'm not really qualified to comment on this,'- then continues to ramble on about how he trusted that the director made the decisions he did for the right reasons and we should all just trust that. Also there's a serious lack of understanding in those comments of the difference between portraying equality (which a dystopia probably won't have, so that's expected) and writing fully realized female characters (which it seems like the movie failed to do). The article itself was great, though. 🙂

          • Kazoogrrl says:

            "Also there's a serious lack of understanding in those comments of the difference between portraying equality (which a dystopia probably won't have, so that's expected) and writing fully realized female characters (which it seems like the movie failed to do)."

            And THAT was my main issue that the friend refused to acknowledge, that a current film about a future crappy dystopia could still treat its characters correctly.

    • Doc_Paradise says:

      Wow. That's a lot. May you find the energy to escape and all outcomes turn out for the best.

    • CleverManka says:

      Ughghghg. Bless you for your repeated attempts at education with her. And good luck with the job hunt and relationship conversation. Jeez, that's a lot to handle, bb.

      • Kazoogrrl says:

        Thank you! I need to fix my work life and it's going to take organizing the rest of my life to support that to get me there.

        For the WF friend, she lives in a bubble and very much enjoys riding the precocious clever homeschooled kid thing way too far into her adulthood. She's smart, and she has some good things to say, but then is. just. the worst.

        • Flitworth says:

          precocious clever homeschooled kid

          I'm reminded of a HS teacher, discussing our exodus to college, saying "everyone was valedictorian where they came from".

  12. Räven says:

    I'm just popping in to scream for the Moomins, hope to return properly in a bit.

  13. littleinfinity says:

    la la la the world is terrible. I don't know how to consume the news in a non-self-destructive way while still staying informed and aware. Every time I look at the internet there is some new and horrible fuckery. Whatever 45's latest is… Weinstein… endemic abuses of power large and small… wildfires and earthquakes and hurricanes and massacres… and now schools in Charlottesville are on lockdown because of a shooting threat related to how Cville is handling the alt-right/ Confederate/ Nazi situation. So, like, my friends' kids' schools. It feels irresponsible and panicky to be so overwhelmed by whatever the latest terrible news is, but it feels even worse to ignore it and pretend it's not happening. After Vegas I had this kind of split-brain response where half of me shut down and tried to say "it doesn't affect me, this kind of thing happens all the time, don't get upset", and the other half of me said "how fucked up is it to try to ignore trauma and death on this level? how fucked up are we as a country that the rational, self-preserving response is to stick our heads in the sand because nothing will ever fucking change with these people in power?"

    sorry for sweariness, I just … UGH HOW WHY. How to fix. How to process. How to continue living a normal life, when nothing seems normal.

    • Absotively says:

      I should go back to listening to the CBC hourly news podcast every morning. It's exactly four and a half minutes long and gives a good overview of the news without getting into more detail than I actually need, which I find helpful.

      It is Canadian and Canada-focused, though. I don't know what there is for similar options for the US. I've seen various apps that claim to curate the news and provide summaries, but when I tried a couple they were too US-focused for me, so I didn't stick with any of them.

    • CleverManka says:

      100% same, bb. I have no answers. I'm in the "ignoring everything but my own problems at the moment" stage, but tbh it doesn't really help. The sadness and distress still weighs heavily and never. lets. up.

    • jenavira says:

      SAME. So much same. After posting on the Monday thread I decided to get Doctor Google to tell me there's no such thing as Trump-related PTSD, and instead I got an article with the headline "post-election stress disorder doesn't exist" that was basically a psychiatrist saying, "If you feel it as a trauma, it's traumatic, I just can't call it a disorder while it's still going on."

      If you feel it as a trauma, it's traumatic. At least we can all be traumatized together? I have fuzzy blankets and lattes to share.

  14. Jen says:

    the link was perfect yesterday you shush. <3

    I hope your brain starts being nicer to you soon. also moomin yay – that one is me this week. fuck responsibility indeed.

    in other news me and wife had dr. appts together this morning so we both get our adulting gold stars.

  15. Flitworth says:

    OK, y'all, some cheer:

    Two Dope Queens' latest podcast includes LeVar Burton and I don't remember this from the shows of my youth but his voice…gives me the vapors.

    Randy Rainbow's latest is a parody of Despacito.

    Cat employment being addressed in Baltimore

    If you would like to look at some pretty art things: babacool.

  16. Jen says:

    in the spirit giving and sharing and because it's music and it's weird and cool –
    https://myrkur.bandcamp.com/track/funeral-featuri

    featuring one of my fave lady singer people (Chelsea Wolfe, who I missed at concert recently because scheduling and getting over crud thing) and my newest lady singer person Amalie Bruun who I have just discovered and can't stop listening to

    ALSO sorry if the link is bad I forget the whole linking in comment thing…

  17. jenavira says:

    Moomin has got the right idea. I still have far too many responsibilities this week, and it's exhausting. I'm in that place where I'm doing okay, but I know I'm doing okay because I'm running as hard as I can to stay in the same place, and as soon as I stop running I'm gonna fall over. And possibly get run down by whatever is coming up behind me.

    BUT. I have a half-day off on Friday the 13th, and I feel like I need to do something Too Witches to celebrate. Other than sitting myself down in the middle of a park with a Tarot deck, any suggestions?

  18. exitpursuedbyaclaire says:

    So the "finish a book a day" goal failed instantly after I posted about it. I guess I didn't knock on wood. But this weekend my fiancé and I got a fantastic dining room table, plus a rug, then treated ourselves to splurging on board games. We've been trying out a new board game every night this week so far, and the fourth of our new purchases will be tonight. The new table is fantastic for board games. Sturdy, massive, and visibly used enough that we don't feel bad rolling dice all over it.

    • CleverManka says:

      That sounds like a lovely thing to swap for reading, though. I hope you enjoy your new games!

    • jenavira says:

      Okay, but that's a fabulous thing to do instead. Any recommendations?

      • exitpursuedbyaclaire says:

        Yes, many! Honestly all four things we've gotten have been good. My favorite so far is Odin's Ravens, which is for only two people. Technically a card game not a board game. You and your partner are ravens racing around the world in opposite directions, but you can call on Loki to make the path trickier for your opponent or easier for you (or, as is the way of tricksters, trickier or easier for both of you). It's the most straightforward of the games, but seems like it will have a lot of replay value.

        The other three games we got were Mystic Vale (a deck-building game where you get to build the cards), Boss Monster (you play as the boss in a old-school side-scrolling dungeon and kill heroes), and Takenoko (sort of like Catan, but your actions can help your opponents as much as you). Listed in very rough order of preference, bearing in mind that some of these games may be more fun with more than two players.

  19. snickies says:

    Work is hosting a conference this week and it is very tech-heavy and I am…not (I do the project management, not the programming). My brain is just so tired already from sitting in sessions and lectures on topics I have a limited understanding of and I will be very happy when this is over.

    On the upside my birthday is Friday and I have friends coming over this weekend for cake and video games.

  20. Räven says:

    Moominpappa is a lot more skilled than I at reclaiming his time. Very inspiring.

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