Mid-week check-in

Clever Manka, · Categories: Check-In

I think here at the end of 2017 most of us are feeling like the puffer fish

This is the weekly post for those of us who are traversing together this hellscape called Personal Growth. Brag about this week’s accomplishments, ask for support, talk about what worked, what didn’t. Tell us how things are going for you.

103 Responses to “Mid-week check-in”

  1. Lee Thomson says:

    Red Kate's lumpiness was a cyst.
    The younger Crow passed her driving test.
    There was no puking on xmas, (although there was a minor bout on Boxing Day).
    The Xmas Squid is on top of the tree, and the younger Crow was singing "oh christmas squid, oh christmas squid, how squiggly are thy tentacles"

    that's the immediate good stuff. The longer term good stuff is nice too.

  2. CleverManka says:

    Well I came down with a headache on xmas day and it hasn't gone away yet so that's great. The fact that everything is blurry right now isn't helping. Are my eyes dried out by this zero-degree weather we're suffering? Has my actual eyesight just gotten worse all of a sudden? Is the glaucoma that my mother warns me about every time we talk taking up early residence? Who knows! Details in a reply.

    • CleverManka says:

      I ordered some glasses (s-i-g-h) online last week. I wish now I'd put a rush order on them so I could at least see (ha) if that helped with the headache and blurriness.

      When I had LASIK a few years ago, they warned me that I only had about five years before I'd need reading glasses (because that's just what happens to Old Eyes) and I said that was just fine. After being horribly nearsighted since age ten, I would happily deal with only needing glasses when I read. But of course because my body never does anything normally, it's my distance vision that's failing and I'm going to need glasses all the time again (contacts aren't an option since LASIK messes with the shape of the cornea and now contacts won't fit on them). So much for that five thousand dollars.

      I'm doing (psychologically) okay on the FODMAP diet. I've only had a couple recipe disasters (roasted parsnips do not sufficiently counteract the taste of celery root when you're trying to make faux mashed potatoes) but…. !!TMI alert!! my poop is back to what it was before I started working with AtN–there seems to be a lot of it for the amount of food I'm eating, and I can see bits of undigested food (both are indicative of minimal absorbtion). My next appointment is a week from tomorrow so we'll see what she says about that.

      At this point food has ceased to be of interest to me and I really don't care what I eat anymore. It's just…fuel. AtN could put me on a diet of Soylent Green and I'd probably just shrug and chug. It's a very alien feeling/mentality. Can't say I like it, but it sure is convenient.

      I think I'm wrapping up (early) menopause or I'm completely done with it. I have hardly any hair on my arms left (well, compared to what I used to have) and my leg and underarm hairs are so sparse and fine I'm only shaving them once a month. Chin hairs are out in fucking force, though. It looks like some of my eyebrow hairs decided to migrate south. And of course my memory has been going for a while now. It's hard to tell with no uterus to give me visible indicators of what's going on down there, though. And speaking of what's going on down there (or not going on, rather) my libido hasn't decreased so much as it has completely left the building. sigh

      Reading over this it sounds awful but really I'm okay. A little detached/removed perhaps, but that actually helps. If I was more emotionally involved with everything that was going on with my body I think I'd be a mess.

      • Heathered says:

        Sometimes that degree of emotional remove is a gift worthy of a giant red Lexus bow. Still though, I hope you feel better and can find your way back to more enjoyment. I still can't get used to glasses (except readers) and am so fucking blinky whenever I leave the house, rargh.

        • CleverManka says:

          I think I have never appreciated my Vulcan-ness as much as I appreciate it now. I agree it'll be nice to be more emotionally present in my life but for now the distance is a blessing.

          My vision has gotten to the point where I don't feel safe to drive at night anymore, or if I have to go somewhere I'm not familiar in the day–street signs are a complete loss from more than a block away. =/

          • vladazhael says:

            Vulcan-ness is a fantastic survival skill for times like this. I recommended it to my mom just this morning, and I was only a little bit joking. I do hope it sees you through the ick and then recedes appropriately so you can be emotionally present for good stuff.

          • CleverManka says:

            I hope your mom is able to develop a way to develop a distance from damaging emotions without going full Kolinahr.

      • Kazoogrrl says:

        This is making me glad I didn't push for LASIK because I wear only contacts (glasses make me want to hurl), and my near vision is starting to go and JFC can't I get a break with that crap?

        My libido took a vacation years ago, a combo of not being strong anyway and low grade stress killing it. It makes me really sad when I think about it, usually I'm pretty detached.

      • redheadfae says:

        I call them my kitty whiskers now. It makes it easier to deal, but at least they tweeze out easily.
        Hormones are a bitch.
        I understand what you mean about chugging liquid nutrition. I'm tired of food being a problem as well. Give me a damned feeding tube, already.

        • CleverManka says:

          I'm so used to having massive amounts of hair on my face since age 11 that the chin whiskers aren't a big thing for me. In fact, they're easier to deal with than the upper lip and jaw fuzz which have gone the way of my arm and leg hair! =D

          Who ever thought we'd be in the "food? can't I just take a pill for that?" camp.

          • redheadfae says:

            Well, I suppose I've come full circle from my days of nothing but cocaine, vitamins and protein milkshakes. Of course, ice cream is out of the question now, and it's too bad cocaine isn't as easy to manage as it was back then.

            I'm actually looking forward to the day my now developing cataracts can be removed and I get new lenses in my eyes. Yay genetics.

      • Absotively says:

        Unasked for Soylent quasi-evangelism, because apparently I can't help myself: Chocolate Soylent is fairly tasty. The powdered one took some getting used to, but it was ok with a little flavouring or on its own once I was used to it, and they've updated the recipe several times since I tried it, so it might taste better now.

        I suspect AtN would actually be against it, but if she wasn't, it might be worth a try. If it actually worked for you, it would at least be convenient. And, hopefully, reliable.

        The big catch is that they've occasionally managed to produce versions or batches that caused digestive upset in a fair number of people who normally don't have digestive issues. A quick browse of the forum thread for the current version of the powder suggests it's been pretty well received, but it's impossible to say when they'll tweak the recipe again. They do announce recipe changes, at least.

        On a less tangential note, I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with so many things, and glad to hear that you're handling them well.

        • CleverManka says:

          Since highly processed foods are very hard on one's gut, yeah, that sort of thing isn't recommended for people with leaky gut and other intestinal disease. Glad it worked for you though!

  3. Heathered says:

    My headphones keep breaking and I think they're unSuperGluable at this point, or I'd be asking for new music recommendations. 😛 Job/gig hunt is not a very inspired effort, but I'm interested in a volunteer position that has extensive training and then wants a year of availability, but…for no money. The ethics of doing that while on the public teat are tricky for me to think about, and I'd still need some cash flow to survive. It's more fun to think about than how cold I am, though, so yay ideas.

  4. Onymous says:

    Also that poor fish is adorable.

  5. Heathered says:

    Is anyone here watching the Ave Maria Bamford shorts? She is such a treasure.

  6. Kazoogrrl says:

    Still ugh. Slowly recuperating from the ick but I did not get the fun holiday long weekend I really freaking needed. Fri night and Sat were good, so there was a bit of fun.

    Yesterday I ended up in a white hot rage because I realized in the evening that I had done 4 loads of laundry, changed the sheets, scrubbed the toilet, made a pile of food, and taken the dog out twice (it's in the 20sF here). J . . . screwed around? By the time I came to this realization I was too angry to be anything but snide and mean, so I kept quiet. I'm also bent out of shape because he did a crap job at Christmas again, to the point of not using the Amazon wish list I set up and emailed to him, and ordering random stuff from other lists I have? And thinking that 5 minis of assorted flavored moonshine was something I'd be excited about?

    All this rage means I woke up at 5 a.m. from a panicky stress dream, then laid in bed for an hour thinking about how trapped I feel. It's all money/the house. If I had more money I could fix up the house and sell it, or I wouldn't be worried about how I'd pay for it if I decided I can't deal with J anymore and boot him out. I'm trying to get another job, anything interesting pays crap. People are talking locally about prepaying 2018 property taxes to get the deduction now but I don't KNOW about how that crap works and do I have the money to do it, round and round we go.

    Also, on Christmas, when I mentioned trying to get a new job my brother asked me, "Well, what do you love to do? That's a good place to start." I almost launched across the room to throttle him. I fucking hate the "Do what you love and it'll all fall in place" line.

    On the good side, I dumped this on a local friend, and this morning she told me to keep an eye out for some Amazon packages, and we managed to teach the dog how to shake in less than 24 hours.

    • Kazoogrrl says:

      That was a bit of a dump there, thanks for listening!

    • CleverManka says:

      I'm glad you have a local friend to help pick up your spirits. I'm so sorry you feel trapped. That really sucks. Ugh, ban men.

      • Kazoogrrl says:

        I think it's so much easier when it's a shitty partner, and not someone who is an essentially good and good hearted person but just isn't aware, and who was raised by nice people who wanted him to be happy and didn't really think about how that shapes a person's adult behaviors.

    • faintlymacabre says:

      If it makes you feel any better, I heard on NPR that prepaying only makes sense for a handful of people, so chances are you aren't one?

      • jenavira says:

        Seconding this; every time I've started to look into More Complex Financial Arrangements I'm reminded that those are mostly for people with, like, a million dollars in assets.

        • Kazoogrrl says:

          My parents were talking about their retirement savings and I almost started crying because I have so little saved up. So very little.

      • Kazoogrrl says:

        This is something about up to 10k in property taxes something something itemized deductions something something. I mean, if I can barely figure out what's going on, how in the hell do most of the people in this country do it? Not just the details, but even knowing what's going on? UGH!

    • vladazhael says:

      Uuuuuuugh, I hate that "do what you love" nonsense. Good job not throttling him; maybe save this for next time. http://www.slate.com/articles/technology/technolo

      • Kazoogrrl says:

        I think I've read that before, and YES! Also, I don't necessarily want to turn what I love into my job.

      • redheadfae says:

        You know what I love to do? Hang out on a beach palapa and drink margaritas all day. Not being a trust fund baby means that is out.

        I used to love dance and costuming until I did it for a living. Point well taken.

    • Heathered says:

      I've had a lot of financial anxiety in my life, but never with the added complications of a partner and a house to juggle. Sorry you didn't get a lot more support and help for the holidays. That's like a triple whammy. But I like that you taught your dog to shake!

    • Flitworth says:

      I feel this! I single-handedly managed xmas. I bought or baked/made every gift for my family and the in laws, decorated, planned, cooked. Did all the stockings (except my own, which was consequently empty). Husband totally abdicated this year and we had words. I hate this holiday. Tiny human made out like a bandit so I am happy for her but if no t for that I think I'd scarper.

      • Kazoogrrl says:

        Ugh, I'm sorry, that's really hurtful of him.

        I'd suggest a Mankanaut exchange (gift/art/fic/meta/donations) except none of us need to do any extra work! Maybe a virtual "If we did a secret snowflake, I'd totally get my person X, Y, and Z".

  7. redheadfae says:

    I'm doing fine, although both my printer from the desktop connection and our dishwasher are on the fritz. I hope this isn't going to be another phase of me blowing fuses and appliances, I've blown out two light bulbs this week.
    Mentally, I'm feeling good! I think getting the damned holiday over with and done really lifts me. Stress, begone!

  8. vladazhael says:

    The journey north went fine and I am now in the midst of my winter holidays with Manfriend. I am surviving the cold admirably, though I did find out last night that the amount of whiskey required to keep warm on a 0 degrees Fahrenheit dog walk is in fact entirely too much when combined with an empty stomach and the unforeseen effects of the cold on my body. I am on the mend, though.

    We both survived Xmas, which is a difficult time mentally and emotionally for Manfriend, but he does this thing where he… handles it appropriately? Like an emotionally intelligent adult? And then apologizes for being a drag and thanks me for putting up with it even though he behaved perfectly well and supporting him cost me nothing? I am a bit flummoxed by all this healthy stuff; on some level I'm still wired to think my significant other's emotional difficulties are going to be treated as open season for inconsiderate jackassery and that being supportive means carving chunks out of my own soul and offering them up for sacrifice to the gods of fragile domestic stability. And what an awesome thing to be able to unlearn!

  9. jenavira says:

    Still fighting off this cold (I mostly feel okay, but I've got a gross cough and my voice is still shot), and today I have period cramps, but it's three and a half days until my staycation. To be kicked off by Friendmas on the weekend, and then a whole blessed week with no plans. (I keep making plans and then discarding them. So far the only one that sticks is mimosas for breakfast, every day if possible.)

    Therapy tomorrow will probably be mostly about my mom and how much she is in denial about having a major degenerative disease* (and also, y'know, being 62 and having less energy than a 30-year-old). She is incapable of sitting down and doing nothing, unless she falls asleep as soon as she stops moving, which happens a lot. Even when the rest of the family is becoming clearly distressed by how much she's suffering. It's like she's decided what needs to happen (on her own, without any input from anyone else) and then (without telling anyone else what the plan is) sets about making it happen, and it doesn't matter if doing it makes her tired or in pain, it Has To Be Done. And I know I do the same thing, and I know it's destructive and it sucks and it only makes things worse in the long run, but man, am I tired of it, from both of us.

    *MS, relapsing-remitting, mostly in remission now, diagnosed more than fifteen years ago but probably affecting her for more than forty

    • CleverManka says:

      Oof. That's a hard thing to deal with. I hope therapy is helpful. And if not, well, More Mimosa!

    • Heathered says:

      Oof, I hope your cold lifts and allows you a fun and frothy staycation, and that therapy might offer some tools for dealing as best you can with what sounds like a really hard situation momwise.

      • jenavira says:

        Thank! If nothing else I think that having a whole week off will let me rest my voice and then maybe my laryngitis will give up.

    • redheadfae says:

      Mimosas for breakfast sounds like a good way to plan the staycation.
      I hope you get to carve out some therapy for yourself and not just worries about your mum. I understand how it can make one feel so helpless when a parent is in denial about their health.

      • jenavira says:

        Haha, but mom issues and me issues are practically the same thing, because she treated me like an adult from the time I was ten and also this summer my therapist actually had to order me to stop doing things because I was making my depression worse by overextending myself in exactly the same way. *sigh* Family. You can't live with 'em, and you can't get 'em out of your head when you move away.

    • pseudonymica says:

      That's what my mom does too! I try to keep up with her – to do some of the absurd tasks she sets herself so she can't do them all – but I don't have that constitution. I feel bad, being younger and doing less, but especially now with a brain injury I simply cannot push beyond my limits.

      I get so mad at the males in the family who sit and watch! Once I yelled for one of them to help her move a big piece of furniture she was moving by herself, with her brittle osteoporosis bones, and my brother yelled back "I thought you were a feminist!" Laser kill eyes.

      • jenavira says:

        I wish SO MUCH that my mom would take all the advice articles she sends my sister and I about knowing your limits re: mental health and apply them to herself. (I know where she gets it. She was functionally a parent to most of her brothers, including the ones older than her, when she was a kid. She didn't get to have problems. But holy shit.)

        Mom is lucky in that Dad is pretty good about taking over stuff when she's trying to do too much, especially now that he's retired and doesn't have anything else to do. It's just that it's really hard to get her to stop – he'll take over doing dishes, and she'll switch to doing laundry.

    • Lee Thomson says:

      Oh my dog I have a mother that does that too, without the degenerative disease part. Mr Crow calls it Recruit's disease, because he had a bunch of lessons on a horse that could. not. stand. still. and he saw it in my mum instantly. She won't rest, she won't stop fidgeting, she won't just sit. and eat with us. It is a hard hard thing to deal with when all she has wrong is age, I cannot imagine the extra load of misery she is shouldering and refusing to yield.

  10. redheadfae says:

    Eeeeeee! I just got word that my STD benefits have finally been approved through Jan 7. Such a relief at last. Now we continue to be hopeful for the LTD and SSDI to come out favorable, one or the other.

  11. Doc_Paradise says:

    I think here at the end of 2017 most of us are feeling like the puffer fish

    Like we are going to poison the fuck out of anyone who screws with us?

  12. pseudonymica says:

    Today on Pseudonymica's Melodrama, my dad is being released from the hospital – I think? I couldn't get any details because alcoholics can be master manipulators and everyone is currently mad at me for destroying my brother's marriage.

    Ha! I'm so thankful I had a relationship with a drug addict in the past so I understand what's going on and I'm not devastated right now. I know that this crash in my brother's affairs after two good days isn't my fault and I know how he got my mom to think it is. Also, I WILL NOT turn against the wonderful friend who is my lifeline right now, no matter how much they blame her. (I told her something my brother said and she told his wife but it's complicated so please don't judge her or me). This friend is feeding me and giving me a bed and hugging me and listening to me.

    It's dizzying because this isn't my family; we are usually quite functional. Right now I'm just staying very still, in bed. I don't think I'll flee back to my home five hours away, though it's tempting. That's what my brother wants and I don't have a ride anyway.

  13. Flitworth says:

    I just got a call telling me I failed a blood test. Normal range for vitamin D is 30 – 100 and I scored…..9. So now, in addition to pinkeye & ladypart issues, I have to take prescription level vitamin D for a few months.
    My time off has not been restful. Friday tiny human's lawyer emailed to schedule coming this week to discuss testimony (?!), today the 3rd bonding assessor came for 1.5 hrs. I have done all the Xmas shopping, baking, work and also gotten a physical (required to have another child placed with us), scheduled vet, cleaned, done family stuff all while sick. So between all this and daycare closures I have had no time to look at new job opportunities or study Python much less relax (though I did rewatch Miss Congeniality 1 & 2 over several days).
    But the dog has been helping us move the goats between their shed and the garden! Also, tiny human is a fucking riot. We were playing "daycare" today and she did the two-fingered 'I'm watching you' hand signal when the adults spoke during story time. She is currently yelling " I can't *even* put the sheet on" from her room due to bedtime antics.

    • redheadfae says:

      Tiny human sounds like me doing the bed change, lol.
      Ugh low Vit D is crappy.. but once you get it fixed, it does feel better.
      Why is Time Off never the rest we think we're going to get?

    • CleverManka says:

      Ughhhhhh sorry you're dealing with low Vitamin D on top of everything else. At least it's a fairly easy fix? I hope you see quick improvement in your energy levels once you've been on it for a couple weeks.

  14. meat_lord says:

    Sliding in late to say hello to everyone!

    Today I finished a fanfic and posted it for the first time since 2015. FEELS GREAT. Did not get to the rest of my to-do list, sadly. Oops.

  15. MLISCostFan says:

    Hi, I'm trying to survive year-end at work. I work at a bank. Enough said.

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