Thursday Link Dump

Clever Manka, · Categories: Thursday Link Dump

Native American and current Democratic member of Idaho’s legislature Paulette Jordan is running for governor of Idaho this year.

Proud Mary opens this weekend and Sony is promoting it for shit. If you have time and money available (if it’s even showing near you), consider seeing it opening weekend.

Roller Derby goes to Egypt.

The Cairollers, a mixture of students and professional women in their 20s and 30s, say roller derby’s bump and tumble help unleash their frustrations, and offer a sense of empowerment — sisterhood, even a little swagger. It’s also simply a way to purge the stresses of living in a cramped, polluted megalopolis of 24 million people.

Nada el Masri, 23, a customer service representative in a bank, deals with impatient, loud customers all day long. “I have to be pleasant and smile,” she said. “So on a good day I’ll come here, play for two hours, and it all goes away.”

Roxanne Gay writes about the 1968 protests of the Miss America pageant. Related, why is fixing sexism women’s work?

Ben Barres, transgender brain researcher and advocate of diversity, died just before the new year.

“If a famous scientist or the president of a prestigious university is going to pronounce in public that women are likely to be innately inferior,” Barres wrote in his Nature essay, “would it be too much to ask that they be aware of the relevant data?”

Citing his own experience, Barres recalled that, after his transition to life a man, he led a seminar at an academic conference. A colleague overheard another scientist say, “Ben Barres gave a great seminar today, but then his work is much better than his sister’s.”

Barres wrote that in everyday transactions as well as in academic circles, “people who don’t know I am transgendered treat me with much more respect” than when he was a woman.

“I can even complete a whole sentence without being interrupted by a man.”

Why some foods taste better as leftovers.

How to look believable at a sexual harassment hearing.

Over the last year and a half, I have needed a lot of outfits. I have also needed to be consistent. I have needed to be ready, at every moment, to be seen as both a poverty-stricken graduate student and a reliable adult. As an accuser, I need to be a news-team-ready correspondent and someone who certainly wasn’t doing this for the limelight. I didn’t know any of this when I started. I learned this all on the full-time job that is being an objector to sexual harassment in America.

Our brains synchronize during a conversation. Sounds fake, but okay.

Native midwives are making traditional birthing options available to native women, who are under-serviced in numerous ways by modern medicine.

How we learn about attachment in our first year of life.

By the end of our first year, we have stamped on our baby brains a pretty indelible template of how we think relationships work, based on how our parents or other primary caregivers treat us. From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense, because we need to figure out early on how to survive in our immediate environment.

“If you’re securely attached, that’s great, because you have the expectation that if you are distressed you will be able to turn to someone for help and feel you can be there for others,” said Miriam Steele, the co-director of the Center for Attachment Research at the New School for Social Research in New York.

It’s not so great if you are one of the 40 percent to 50 percent of babies who, a meta-analysis of research indicates, are insecurely attached because their early experiences were suboptimal (their caregivers were distracted, overbearing, dismissive, unreliable, absent or perhaps threatening). “Then you have to earn your security,” Dr. Steele said, by later forming secure attachments that help you override your flawed internal working model.

If you remember the old Alien Loves Predator web comic (or even if you don’t), you might like this series of Bruce Lee and Freddie Mercury figurines in short narratives. ETA: a Tumblr post of other action figures in single-shot vignettes.

The trickiest part of emotional boundaries might not be the how but the when:

We all understand the logistics of how to not eat a cookie. (You say “no thank you,” you don’t pick it up, you don’t take a bite. Done.) That’s not the hard part.

The hard part is discerning whether or not we really want to eat the cookie.

If we don’t eat the cookie, are we avoiding it from a position of peace, or self-punishment — or pride? If we eat the cookie, is it with pleasure or lack of self-love? Do we actually want it? Will we regret it tomorrow? Do we want it because we’re bored, or we’ve had a beer, or a stressful day, or our host is extending it to us on a plate and smiling at us with those eyes that plead, “please — I spent an hour baking these.” Are any of those real desires? Should any of those be regarded as real desires? Is a cookie ever an appropriate vehicle for satisfying them? Is it ever appropriate to just say “ah, fuck it” and eat the cookie without identifying our real, underlying needs?

This is the hard part with boundaries — understanding what we truly want, beneath the surface, and what’s healthy.

This is two and a half years old, but new to me and I love it so much.


66 Responses to “Thursday Link Dump”

  1. Rillquiet says:

    And Ms. Jordan, unlike certain other horseback politicoes, has her leg under her properly and is using the proper neck-reining hold.

    By the way, everyone who got a little warm about Cap's hirsute look in the Infinity Wars trailer should drop everything and tune in to today's Thirst Aid Kit. They actually bring up Cap/Hulk fic to Chris Evans himself and oh god. OH GOD.

  2. meat_lord says:

    Wow, that article on emotional boundaries gave me a lot of food for thought. I have learned to refuse the metaphorical cookie, but I struggle with when to exercise that new skill.

  3. Kazoogrrl says:

    Just read this, which hit me in the gut

    "I Made the Pizza Cinnamon Rolls from Mario Batali’s Sexual Misconduct Apology Letter"

  4. Xolandra says:

    OMG, y'all, i am almost never this excited for new music that i have found, but:

    I do not, as a rule, like spoken word unless seen live. I want to ROLL AROUND in this man's words, and I am DYING to pre-order his new rekkid (must wait til after the electrical is done).

  5. vladazhael says:

    I am all in for the indigenous midwives article! Fuck yeah! And I thought the emotional boundaries article was interesting, but I found the Fish Love article it linked to even more helpful.

    • CleverManka says:

      Oh, wow, I didn't check that out! Will do so later…

    • RoseCamelia says:

      Agreed, about the emotional boundaries article. Interesting, but I had to click through to Fish Love for something to really chew on.

      • vladazhael says:

        I think part of why the emotional boundaries one didn't resonate as much is that my particular struggle is more about taking down unnecessary walls than establishing boundaries, and the Fish Love one resonated more because said walls make me prone to being too emotionally dependent on a partner because I make that my only outlet. Plus my last relationship was with someone whose flavor of maladjustment was one of being too unhealthily closed off, so… yeah, of course nobody is obligated to be emotionally open any more than they're obligated to have sex, but there comes a point where too much of a mismatch in respective comfort levels with either one is a problem to be addressed.

  6. Flitworth says:

    "COSTUMES, HOES!" <3<3<3<3

    • CleverManka says:

      I love her and her friends so much and I hope they are all (somehow) lead incredibly happy and fulfilling lives.

    • Xolandra says:

      "I ain't wearing no fuckin tutu!"

      OMG, there is so much about this that I love. I really want someone in my life with that level of exuberance. That is not me. It gets lonely sometimes.

  7. damngoodcoffee says:

    Thank you for posting that news about Ben Barres. I didn't recognize the name, but I think I've heard that story about his 'sister' before, and I really appreciated getting to read more about him and his accomplishments and work.

    The emotional boundaries article is very interesting. There are ways in which I grew up with very strong emotional boundaries, and mostly my issues (re: emotions) come from not dealing as well with anger- I don't take it out on other people, but I sometimes take it out on myself and become hyper critical, OR I let anger that I feel is justified but futile transfer into anxiety which just eats me up in a different way. I like how the article takes such a broad view of emotional boundaries- emotions cannot be projected onto others all the time, but they can also not be ignored or pushed down, and in the moment they can be very difficult to parse and know what to do with.

    • CleverManka says:

      I'm glad so many people are getting good stuff out of it!

    • jenavira says:

      I liked that piece for the same reason – my issue has never been with assuming that my emotions are someone's problem, but with assuming my emotions are ever anything other than my own problem. (Until a couple of years ago, I told people I'd never experienced sexual harassment or misogyny, because a) I'm notoriously oblivious, and b) any bad feelings I had about men I interacted with were obviously my problem, right?) Seeing that defined as a boundary problem is enlightening.

      Also, I love the distinction between emotional labor and emotion work.

  8. redheadfae says:

    I'm happy to report that I have seen several ads for Proud Mary on network telly, and I'm thrilled to see Taraji getting more roles! Thank you for bringing it up, because like you said, I haven't seen shit about it online or social media.

  9. vladazhael says:

    YOU GUYS please send good housing vibes (and also good vibes for Manfriend to not be too slammed at work because I need his help). I don't want to jinx anything by saying too much, but I have a scheme in the works.

  10. redheadfae says:

    I'm happy to report that I have seen several ads for Proud Mary on network telly, and I'm thrilled to see Taraji getting more roles! Thank you for bringing it up, because like you said, I haven't seen shit about it otherwise

  11. Lee Thomson says:

    my favorite photographed webcomic (gaw that sounds like I have multiple favorite webcomics… oh wait!) was Ask Dr Eldritch, particularly the part where Trevor attempted to recreate dinosaurs from chickens.

    After a tiny amount of googling I found it!

  12. Onymous says:

    Also the comments went a different direction so I didn't pipe up but that Erykah Badu video from yesterday was delightful. Like two topics in I was like "of course she's going to say everything is underrated, she's the platonic opposite of a hater" and lo she didn't hate on anything.

    • Xolandra says:

      I AM STILL HERE FOR THAT. It was _so great_. I love that she used every question as an excuse to tell a story, most of them only tangentially related to the actual thing being rated, hahaha

  13. Onymous says:

    Also also: I took the survey linked from that attachment article, because I keep taking surveys, and yet again I spent umpteen questions thinking "well this question is in sufficiently granular" or "well I know what this question thinks it's asking but from the standpoint of ME it's asking a different question entirely, so do I answer their question or mine" or "well this just doesn't apply to me in any manner".

    The upside to this is that I'm immune to astrology or meyer-briggs. The down side is that occasionally some one like the NYT will claim something has scientific backing and I'm like "well none of this sounds even vaguely right… So how fucked am I then?"

    • RoseCamelia says:

      You are not alone. Moving as often as I do means applying for (mostly temp) work just as often, if not more often.

      No one knows how to effectively screen candidates. Those "personality tests" make me want to scream. I get different results every time I'm required to take them in order to apply for poorly paid but indoor work. It depends on my mood and how willfully I can ignore how poorly worded the questions are. They are never sufficiently granular.

      Then there's my hard boundary. Employers do *not* get genuine answers to who I am. They get thoughtful answers as to the kind of employee I am.

      Privacy, dumbfucks! I will work for you. I will not belong to you.

      End rant. Thanks for your patience.

    • RoseCamelia says:

      You are not fucked. You are external to tidy (lazy) categorization. It's an indicator of intelligence and wide interests. It means you're worth getting to know individually.

    • Xolandra says:

      Personality quizzes are rubbish anyway; the answers are always limited to things that _i would never do_. And although I am firmly NTF, I swap between E and I depending on my mood and how the test is written.

      It's not you. It's the labels.

  14. LaxMom says:

    LOL I"ve been immune to Meyer-Briggs forever. I think it was childhood drama lessons and script analysis that really did it for me.

    I can't stand answering surveys for all of your reasons. Teengirl had an assignment yesterday for English class (they are reading Romeo and Juliet). I had to write down what qualities I thought she'd like in a perfect partner, and then what qualities I would want for her partner to have/be. Then without looking she had to guess what she wanted in a partner, and what she thought I'd put down.

    She was mostly dead on in guessing what I thought. And all four answers had sarcasm and musical theater, so there's that.
    After we did the assignment, I looked at her and laughed, because that's the first time ever we've ever talked "boys" in that way.

  15. phantom says:

    I read the Beauty Pageant protest one by Roxanne Gay, and that's the first one I heard about the Black women protesters which is probably telling.

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