Mid-week check-in

Clever Manka, · Categories: Check-In

For those of us who need it, let’s channel Rey this week

This is the weekly post for those of us who are traversing together this hellscape called Personal Growth. Brag about this week’s accomplishments, ask for support, talk about what worked, what didn’t. Tell us how things are going for you.

150 Responses to “Mid-week check-in”

  1. Doc_Paradise says:

    Help me out Mankanauts… What do you know about a tenant screening company called Naborly?

    A place we are looking to maybe rent wants us to use it and, frankly, after looking over the data being requested, the privacy documentation, user agreement, articles, etc… I'm thoroughly aghast. Hello, Big Data.

    • vladazhael says:

      I am not familiar with it, but you most certainly have my rental searching empathy.

      • Doc_Paradise says:

        Would you mind if I asked what information and checks you've been asked and required to do when applying for rentals?

        • vladazhael says:

          Not at all.

          For the first one, they asked for my social security number (standard practice) and ran a credit report (which I had to unlock because I had all of mine frozen after the Experian data breach last year). That one was denied, but for unrelated reasons and ultimately for the best.

          For the one that's being processed probably right now (*fingers crossed*), they asked for SSN plus more banking info and credit examples (cards, loans, etc.) in separate sections, so I gave enough of that to fill up both sections, and I included multiple notes about being willing to unlock official credit reports but haven't received any contacts asking me to do so.

          I like the first method better because I only have to give that one bit of privileged info that they always ask for anyway, and a straight up credit report actually gives a better overview (and a more flattering picture) than just looking at what I have in the bank. But then the management company that used that method turned out to be too tangled up in procedures to work with effectively (they denied us because Manfriend's shitty landlord woulnd't call them back), while I get the sense that the people at the current one are a little more prone to thinking critically, so giving them a bunch of info to work with feels less icky. (Plus they know Manfriend's landlord and do not think highly of him.)

          • Doc_Paradise says:

            Thanks. That's useful. I also spoke to a friend who rents and we have a few plans to get around using the blasted site.

            BTW I looked the site over and it is free to use by landlords and tenants because it sells the info to insurance companies or uses it to sell you insurance. Yep. If you are not paying for it, you are the product.

          • vladazhael says:

            Ok, yeah, so fuck that entirely. I will be bypassing it as well, should it come up.

          • Doc_Paradise says:

            Yeah. We are full of NOPE.

            This is the sample report that the site shows. My skin crawls.
            https://naborly.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/Na

          • vladazhael says:

            OH. FUCK. NO.

            As if the concept and ubiquity of the credit score weren't offensive enough on a purely human level. This is bullshit on an even larger scale.

            I am now one step closer to living in a barrel in the woods.

  2. Kazoogrrl says:

    Rey is me and the Falcon is all my travel planning. The logistics people, THE LOGISTICS! I have a physical checklist, and then about four mental ones that have me going in loops. I haven't even started to ramp up on my flying anxiety yet because I'm trying to get my cards set up, trying to get some cash, and worrying about having phone service* (my phone won't get it there, roaming is not an option, but J may have a phone I can put a pay as you go SIM card for and use when I'm there, if I need it). I expect anxiety dreams to start in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . .

    Officially not giving a fuck about work, though worrying about a cat follow up vet, if I can get the dog groomed while I'm gone, and I have a slow tire leak on my car and I CAN'T EVEN RIGHT NOW!!

    * I have Virgin Mobile in the US. Virgin is from the UK, but in the US they piggyback on a US carrier network, one that is incompatible with the UK and Europe. I thought about changing carriers, but it's 2x what I pay now, and not really worth it for 10 days vacation. But seriously, what a PITA.

    • jenavira says:

      TRAVEL PLANNING ANXIETY, LET ME SHARE IT! I just booked a hotel for six nights in Manhattan, and I know it's a good price, but goddamn. Still. This had better be the Best Vacation Ever.

      • CleverManka says:

        When the Burgomaster took me to NYC to see Hamilton I didn't let him show me the numbers for the plane tickets or the hotel. I just Did Not Want To Know.

        • jenavira says:

          I refused to fly; no vacation that starts in O'Hare and JFK could possibly be enjoyable. It'll be a nice, relaxing overnight train that drops us just a mile from our hotel. (We may go by Trump Tower on the way just to spit on it.)

    • CleverManka says:

      Is a burner phone an option? Or is that too expensive? I've never had occasion to need one, but I remember that's what my parents used when they went to Italy (granted, that was twelve years ago…).

  3. Absotively says:

    #dailyfeb2018: so far, so good. My stuff has not been especially Art-ish, but I am slowly making progress on stuff. Have ironed the fabric for the blouse I've been procrastinating forever, and cleared off the table space to cut it, but now can't find my pins. Soon, though!

    Gym: pretty good! I cancelled my reservation for today's class last night, because I burned my finger and I wasn't sure how it would feel in the morning, and I didn't want to risk the late cancellation fee. Have now decided it'll be fine, but the class filled up, so I'm on the waitlist. So probably no gym today, but that's ok, I need to skip it sometime this month anyways because I am only paying for 8 classes a month.

    Meal planning: not terrible! The website is worse than I remembered once you want to actually tweak your meal plan, so I have gone ahead and told it I don't want to be subscribed any more, but I think I'll get some use out of it until the month I've already paid for runs out. I have been cooking much more often than eating out, which is the big thing. And I think I have a basic template to plan meals around, maybe.

    KonMari: I did actually do a teensy bit of sorting, mostly to clear off the table space for #dailyfeb2018 reasons. Still not quite finished socks, though.

  4. RoseCamelia says:

    Yesterday I did my annual reread of this article https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_common_misc
    because I want to live in this universe https://xkcd.com/843/

    Join me?

    • jenavira says:

      That is an excellent universe to live in; I have joined you. (I'm always confused at first by the way the list is formatted, though – I think at this point I've heard enough incorrect corrections of commonly-held ideas that it takes me a minute to recalibrate.)

    • vladazhael says:

      Oh yes please.

    • Xolandra says:

      Thank you, this looks like it'll be interesting, and i need interesting rn.

    • littleinfinity says:

      This is super interesting and now I don't know what to believe anymore!! Some of these I already knew and some I definitely did not. But my question is… if these corrections are meant to refute misconceptions of unknown origin, held by the general public, that have been printed in reputable sources over the years… but the corrections are provided by an unknown human, educated as one of the general public, and backed up by different reputable sources… how do we actually know the corrections are correct??? (This is a little bit of a silly question and obviously some of them are straightforward or obvious… but I find myself in a minor epistemological crisis with regard to some of the more counterintuitive ones.)

      • RoseCamelia says:

        I was able to verify the few I questioned. Quick internet research led me to reputable sources with the same info as the Wikipedia article.

        For the life sciences items I turned to my in-house biologist, Mr Rose, PhD. So those have been verified by the best. =)

        Let me know which items are refuted by respectable sources. I want to look more deeply. I'm still learning.

        • littleinfinity says:

          To be clear, I'm not saying any of the corrections are wrong, exactly! I know at least many of them, if not all, are accurate. Maybe what I'm trying to say is more along the lines of "What do we think we know now, based on expert knowledge and our best science, that will be proved wrong in 50/ 100/ 150 years?" That is to say, what is the foundation of our trust in this Wikipedia article or any collection of knowledge, given that humans are so frequently flat-out wrong? It's more of a "basis of human knowledge" worry than an actual argument against any of the list items. Thanks for posting the list, it's a fascinating read!

          • RoseCamelia says:

            "What do we think we know now, based on expert knowledge and our best science, that will be proved wrong in 50/ 100/ 150 years?"

            This is the question. Mr Rose has taught me that scientists have worked out how to handle this very problem. Science's definition of the word "theory" translates to
            "our best, most current understanding, which we will abandon when/if we discover and verify a better understanding".

            Because "humans are so frequently flat-out wrong".

            I like this method of managing the unknowns.

    • Heathered says:

      Oh, that list has a link to a bunch of Mondegreens! Some day I will come back and finish the list, though.

  5. CleverManka says:

    Just got out of a meeting and have tons of stuff to do so I'll catch up with y'all when I get home, around 1:30-2!

  6. Doc_Paradise says:

    So far, I'm mostly keeping to my self care list: eat veggies, make art, take antibiotics, go outside, do something productive, exercise. It's a relief to be focusing on my needs and I'm handling bumps like the "Yay"/"shitfuck" of the potential perfect/wtf rental search well. One of the annoying things about what I'm going through right now is that my body is gungho on the physical aspects of anxiety and depression (heart racing, tension, sleep problems, fooding problems, etc) but my mind is going "um, we've got this, no really, we've got this, would you just calm down already". It is exhausting.

    #dailyfeb2018 postcards: https://www.instagram.com/p/Beqp2JdF9iM/ https://www.instagram.com/p/BetXd-2F9pX/ https://www.instagram.com/p/BetYmJPFQ9g/ https://www.instagram.com/p/BeviK-BFXvx/ https://www.instagram.com/p/BeviRxklRyV/ https://www.instagram.com/p/BeyYe-ZF2cB/ https://www.instagram.com/p/BeyYpKzFf-W/ https://www.instagram.com/p/Be1hOZ-FzfE/ https://www.instagram.com/p/Be4KS7CFLzd/

    I'm going to mail the first batch soon. I bought US stamps and the postperson gave me a matching batch of "air mail" stickers. Apparently, Canadian mail going to the US is sent air mail and not having an air mail sticker on a US bound letter/postcard can result in delays due to sorting errors. Having an air mail sticker will result in faster sorting and hence faster delivery. Now I know.

  7. Rillquiet says:

    I had a screening call with a therapist candidate and set up an appointment for next week. There's that saying about how if you meet an asshole, you've just met an asshole; if you meet hundreds of them, it's probably you. And I have been surrounded by 'em lately, so between that and running out of joy in some hobbies I usually enjoy, it's time to do something about that other than grit my teeth. (I try not to dump all my blargh here, but it's been simmering for a while, and eventually the emotional elastic runs out of give.)

    In happier news, my new trainer is built much like I am, so she's excellent at sussing out my problem spots and finding exercises to fix them. I asked her for work on form in the big lifts, as well as help toward pull-ups, with as few machines as possible, and that's exactly what she's provided. It's dumbbells and hex bars and plates, very satisfying clanking and hoiking. The most immediate effect has been a desire to lie on the gym floor while someone feeds me steak tartare, but ultimately there should be more muscle too.

    • vladazhael says:

      eventually the emotional elastic runs out of give

      This is perfect and I may borrow it.

    • RoseCamelia says:

      Happy for you with the good trainer fit! And good for you, making a therapy appointment. That's often hard to do. Go you!

      Blargh dumping here is good. Dump as much as you want. We accept you as you are. We like you as-is.

      • Rillquiet says:

        Yes, this always is a kind space for venting (and thank you for the compliment)! I work intentionally on thinking and talking about what's going well in my life, because it helps me focus up instead of down…but figuring out a balance between that and pretending there aren't any problems is always a work in progress.

    • CleverManka says:

      There's that saying about how if you meet an asshole, you've just met an asshole; if you meet hundreds of them, it's probably you.

      I mean, sure, maybe? But I think those of us who regularly work with the public (customer service, retail, anyone in the service industry) would probably say it's not always the case. And, you know, 58% of white people in the U.S….

  8. vladazhael says:

    Am living in suspense again due to housing stuff. Applications for the coolest apartment in the universe in progress right now. We have done about as much as is humanly possible to make it work, including skillful deployment of Manfriend's knowledge and charm; it's just a matter of whether anyone else snuck an application in before us, and whether the management company finds anything they're not crazy about in our credit/financial reports. As of Monday evening they said these things normally take about 48 hours, so I took yesterday as a day to relax a bit mentally because there was not a damn thing I could do, but the suspense is creeping back in again, especially since pretty much every other thing I can do in terms of moving prep either hinges on or is affected by whether this goes through and when they would want us to start the lease. Either it's going to go through and bring a bunch of relief but also kick off a bunch of other prep work with varying degrees of stress, or it's going to fail and bring MASSIVE disappointment on an I-want-this-specific-living-space level and leave us right back where we were last week and the week before that and the week before that, which is an increasingly not great place.

    Overall, I am definitely wearing myself out by hyperfocusing on moving prep, but there isn't really anything to be done about it expect get through the next couple months of, as jenavira put it, *quiet, calm screaming*. And no matter my outward, momentary moods, the background stress is also having an unfortunate effect on my ability to sleep through the whole night, and sleep deprivation does not help anything. But I think signing up for #dailyfeb2018 was a very good idea, because doing An Art every day forces me to sit down and do something soothing when I know I would otherwise be spinning my wheels on mindless but not really restorative activities. And also when I'm goofing off on the internet at work, it prompts me to look at painting ideas and techniques and other brain-nourishing things instead of obsessively tracking every apartment listing that pops up on Craigslist every day.

    • Lee Thomson says:

      I'm sorry to hear that moving stress has you in its teeth, that sucks. We all wish you the best, which is a moving thing to carry with you but doesn't necessarily persuade banks and landlords.

      I am delighted to hear the daily work is helping de-stress your days. I feel a certain proprietary interest in the way participants feel about the month, and it is gratifying to learn it is helping someone!

    • Lynn says:

      Applying for apartments is the WORST. There's just no way around it — even when I have been dealing with the most understanding, above-the-board landlords (and I've actually been pretty lucky on that front) it always feels like I'm being taking advantage of somehow. I really hope this one works out for you!

    • Heathered says:

      Looking from far away, it seems like you're slowly moving toward the *right* place. I'm sorry that the waiting is so awful, but I hope it pays off in terms of landing in a place you love.

  9. jenavira says:

    OOF. I have spent all morning at work launching new software, which so far is working extremely well, but the amount of stuff that can't be done until the day of is always surprising and exhausting.

    Yesterday morning I got an email from my rental management company's automated system telling me my rent for February hadn't been paid. I checked my bank, confirmed that the check had been cashed, and called them. I got a voicemail that hadn't been set up. I emailed their info@ address, and it bounced back to me with an "I've resigned" message. I emailed the person that email told me to contact, and I've heard nothing. I am…not okay with this situation, but fortunately my brain has not decided it's my fault, so I'm more angry than distressed.

    Seeing the shrink again tomorrow morning, probably to talk about changing meds again. I'm not okay with sleeping in by an hour giving me full-on withdrawal symptoms (dizziness, nausea, suicidal ideation – you know, all the good SSRI side effects). I am a natural sloth! I cannot be expected to work under these conditions!

    • vladazhael says:

      And rental frustration empathy for you as well.

    • dirtymagpie says:

      Oh so much sympathy on the SSRI. I slept in this morning as well and got the withdrawals as well, but I'm tapering off Cymbalta and it's a bugger.

      Can you ask about something with a longer half-life? (PS some docs are ill-informed and think that an extended version will have a longer time before the withdrawal symptoms set in, but that's not true).

      What a frustrating rental check sitch! I hate it when I cannot reach a Person in Charge of Whatsit.

    • CleverManka says:

      Oh my gosh I am angry right with you over that rent check BS. I hope it get cleared up 100% in your favor and soon.

  10. Heathered says:

    It has been so nice to see everyone's #dailyFebs and so fun to hack away at my own, but embroidery and I are not a love match. I will still practice daily but I'm going to see other art on the side. Filed my taxes last night and they have a huge mistake in them, so I'm about to load up a bunch of Clif bars and phone Turbot Ax. Serves me right for using Gordon Ramsay's tax prep service.

    • Lee Thomson says:

      I, as arbiter of #dailyFeb2018, hereby grant permission for you to change topics of exploration so long as you don't miss a day.

      But I also TOTALLY get that hand embroidery might not be someone's thing, particularly since it is not actually MY thing. You have all the sympathies on that score.

      May your Turbot ax conversation go better than you could have hoped for.

      • Heathered says:

        Thank you! I will still spend some time threading and needling each day, because I love how relaxing it is. It just feels like I don't have the patience or willingness to work with precision to make anything that's not a ball of crap. (I also like talking into my hoop and pretending it's a podcast.)

        Taxes went as expected: You have to call, then they insist on emailing you a link to the website, which requires you to call. Yay, efficiency!

    • CleverManka says:

      I also asked this of Doc Paradise, above: Is there a comment thread in a post (or something) where everyone who is doing this has their Instagram listed/linked like you did, here? I'm not on Instragram (and I'm not letting myself because I do not need another social media at this point) but I would like to follow everyone's progress.

      • Heathered says:

        Let me know if you can't get to it via the #dailyFeb2018 tag and I'll see if I can goober up some links. Trying to use a phone app on a laptop and uploading pictured taken with an actual camera and cart and horse-ing the whole thing has me in a kind of cat on a slippery duvet GIF mindset.

    • [sic] says:

      I'd also love to see your embroidery! I'm no_syzygy on IG, if you're interested.

    • Doc_Paradise says:

      I can do hand embroidery reasonably well and I don't like doing it. Go, see other art… be polyartisty.

  11. Lynn says:

    So I was pretty sure that I was going to have some residual post-trauma anxiety following the year of crap that was my 2017, but I wasn't sure what form it would take. Well, I've had three minor emergencies so far — all three of which resolved themselves within a couple days, if not 24 hours, and none of which were anywhere close to the worst case scenario, but I have gone straight to that point every time — full on fight or flight physical response and an inability to focus on anything else mentally.

    Our most recent one was last night, when boyfriend got a scary letter from his insurance supposedly denying coverage for his surgery (that he already had). I managed to calm myself down last night but woke up in full heart pounding anxiety mode this morning and stayed there until he texted that he'd spoken with the hospital and they assured him that they were taking care of it and he didn't need to worry. I think, as Rillquiet puts it above, that my emotional elasticity has lost all it's give, I've got no resilience left. It's scaring me because my resilience was how I even made it through last year, and now I feel like if another actual bad thing happens I will have no capacity to deal with it.

    • CleverManka says:

      Oh, honey, this sounds terrifying and I hope you find a way to get some of that resilience back. Have you been in this situation before? Do you have any coping mechanisms for it, or is this the first time you've ever been this worn down?

      • Lynn says:

        I knew to expect *something * because I have had small episodes before where I get anxious over something trivial and then realize it's reminding me of the start of a bad time (until now it's usually been related to my old crappy job somehow), but it's never been this strong and hard for me to pull myself out of the spiral. Usually making a plan of some kind helps but we did that and I didn't feel better, even though boyfriend did.

        The good thing is that it is currently limiting itself to things that truly might be a big deal – I had two minor work emergencies today and they were no problem because they had no potential to be a long term disruption on my life. I am hoping that some of this will ease after this month when we get more than a year out from the fire and I am not constantly thinking about how a year ago I had no idea what was coming.

    • Rillquiet says:

      Oof, you've gotten the whammy. I wish you good things and the eventual resurgence of your elastic.

      One thing that helps when the anxiety is eating me is to say, out loud, what's worrying me, with all the elements that seem relevant. It helps me put the fears into context and perspective and usually gives me a starting place for addressing whatever it is if the problem is something concrete rather than Giant Dread. If it is GD, different protocols apply and can include calling friends/family/therapist; applying scotch p.o.; and/or retreating to a blanket fort for 8 hours. And be kind to yourself; don't beat yourself up for not being a superhero. Even Jessica Jones had problems. (Has, from the looks of today's trailer.)

    • Heathered says:

      I'm sorry to hear you're in the post-trauma grind. I am still following FB feeds for Sonoma and Mendocino county's wildfires, and people turn up every day listing symptoms and asking "What the hell is happening to me?" I know it's of limited value to know you;re not alone, but you;re not. I hope things lighten for you soon.

  12. dirtymagpie says:

    It looks like we're all having movement of some sort (home, body, meds) issues to deal around.
    I haven't done creative this month yet, because Priorities is paperwork that will bring in monies.
    And filing our taxes so flipping early paid off, in that the refund is already in our account!
    On a linkage (maybe not safe for very conservative work environs):
    Nordstroms, who knew?!! https://shop.nordstrom.com/c/womens-clothing/bijo

  13. Lee Thomson says:

    I am home from visiting my sainted mother, with RoseCamelia in hand. I've been introducing her as "This is my friend Rose, I got her on the internet" which generally goes over well and we can explain, or not, The-Toast, Mankanauts, Spacewitch & etc.

    So we're home, and have groceries, and it is snowing, and there is a sparrow apocalypse in the hedge, and Mr Crow is working from home because the next town over sucks at plowing their roads, and life is quite quite lovely at the moment.

    If anyone wants to cast their eye over the Tarot of the North Atlantic kickstarter, the link is in a comment. It is not yet live, but if you have a critique, or catch a spelling problem, let me know. I am thinking I will let it settle another day or two and then make it live over the weekend.

      • vladazhael says:

        This project is GORGEOUS, and I may have to get a set even though I have the tarot reading skills of a particularly unintuitive boulder.

        ETA: missing series commas on the elements listed “The Minor Arcana, or pips, are freely adapted from the alchemical basics of Earth Air, Fire and Water, and are more abstract representations using stones, feathers, bones and shells, all things easily found and collected at the shore and at sea.”

      • littleinfinity says:

        These are so so so beautiful!! I know zero about tarot but I LOVE your artistry here.

        Minor edits:
        -In the sentence "….I chose animals (puffins, whales, an octopus) and processes (tides, whale fall) that represented to me the ideas explored in the traditional tarot." – there is a double space between "the" and "ideas".

        -see vladazhael's comment about series commas. Should be "Earth, Air, Fire, and Water" and "stones, feathers, bones, and shells", in my opinion…. if you hate Oxford commas, then that is your life choice to make 🙂 but there should at least be a comma between Earth and Air.

    • CleverManka says:

      I'm so excited for you!

      I'd change the top line (I'm creating a tarot of the North Atlantic that draws on oceanography as well as tarot lore, showing oceanic life in fabric and stitch) to I created a tarot of the North Atlantic that draws on oceanography as well as tarot lore, showing oceanic life in fabric and stitch and I want to make it available as a full Tarot Deck. (Would also affect: I want to create a deck of tarot cards that draws on my knowledge of Oceanography, but still feels true to the underlying structure of the historic tarot I have learned. And others, I am making a set of cards, etc.).

      I feel like people will be more inclined to help fund if they know the artistic heavy-lifting portion of the project is complete.

    • Doc_Paradise says:

      Your trip photos have been lovely. I'm so glad you two had a good time.

    • RoseCamelia says:

      I love Lee's mum! The sainted mother's kitten slept on my arm one night and I almost burst from sweetness overload.

      Y'all, both Lee and her mum sing. No, not what you think. It's the same under-the-breath talking to oneself that we all do when we want to remember something. But these wonderful women sing those words. Every time. It's lovely.

  14. Xolandra says:

    I have failed at #dailyfeb2018.

    House stuff in a comment, because it's gonna be messy.

    It is day 2 of my period, and it coincides with _several_ irritants. I woke up and cried. I have cried twice more today. And I just found out that the workplace that literally broke me by being a toxic quagmire of hierarchical bullshit is going to require me to take training on how to maintain a healthy workplace. Die. In. A Fire. Preferably a smelly one. I met with my manager for that workplace (I do not work there anymore, but they pay my salary and therefore feel entitled to me, even though I HAVE A SEPARATE MANAGERIAL/REPORTING STRUCTURE where I actually work) today, and she informed me that she would like me to provide her with a calendar of my activities so that my annual (my work is competition based and VERY cyclical) needs (literally twice a year I need things from these people!) can be "accounted for" in their timelines. I told her that that was outside my job description and she should talk to my manager. My real one. The one that I see daily, who has some idea of what I am employed to do. As opposed to the tyrannical sociopath who micro-managed me to the point where I _actually_ wanted one of the computer desks that allow you to work in a fetal position, because crying every day. *narrows eyes*

    • Xolandra says:

      So one of the (many) reasons that I have failed at my intentions for dailyfeb2018 is because my house is still not repaired. Not, of course, that this is at all surprising, but this week The project manager called the plasterer, and so last night, after I got home, Peter called. We had some frank discussions, and now I worry that i have offended an artist, because he asked "do you not like th plaster?" and I was like well peter, to be quite frank, no. I was all "redo?" and he was like "they only pay me to do this once" and I was like "i understand that, but this is NOT what I had or asked for, and you TOLD ME you had seen pics, else I would have googled some images for you" and he was like "well pictures are one thing, I should have been in there before the demo to estimate if I could even do the work" and i was like WELL IF IFS AND BUTS WERE CANDIES AND NUTS EVERY DAY WOULD BE CHRISTMAS but that's not how that went and I am crying all the time and please JUST FIX IT. So he offered me a plaster centre-piece to go around my light fixture. I think these are hideous, but this man does not deserve to have my crying over the phone at him, so I was like yes, fine, pop by with it, I will see.has presented me with several setbacks and I am feeling very fragile rn. Wounded. I is a tiny, unhappy, baby birb, unruly, falling apart at the seams, crying for regurgitated worms, but with no expectation that anyone's gonna pop by my nest with the required meal. I am feeling the need for self-care, and just… cannot muster rn. Even the bath I had yesterday (almost always a preferred self-care method) left me feeling sad and unfulfilled.

      House. Y'all, I have walls again! And a ceiling! And even the ceiling plaster. This last is the problem. You see, my project manager has been unbelievably bad at communicating _anything_ to me. Like, he had my walls ripped down and then left on vacation for two weeks bad. Like, he scheduled a (1) carpenter to rebuild my dining room (1 week's time!) but then also took him off this job for a day to work on another job? Idk, idk how to project manage, but that missing day was irritating. At least the carpenter warned me in advance, even if the project manager didn't.

      So anyway, at one point in my life, I had a beautifully stuccoed ceiling (like this: https://www.doityourself.com/stry/how-to-make-swi…. I had been warned that it might not be possible to get this plaster back, because "it is a lost art" and I was like ok, that sounds legit, this ceiling is from a hundred years ago. But then the project manager was all "hey, we found a plasterer for you!" and I was like "huzzah!" and he was scheduled to show up at my house early this week – the last I spoke with my project manager it was "Monday or Tuesday". I spoke to the project manager the day after Peter (the palsterer) confirmed he'd show up on Monday. It remains to me a mystery why my project manager did not choose to share this information with me.

    • Xolandra says:

      Monday morning, I was getting ready for work, and chatting with my out-of-town friend who was visiting for a few days, when the doorbell rang! Fine, it was the plasterer, I let him in, we have a chat about the expected work that included me asking if he had seen pictures of what he was doing and him confirming yep, he'd seen it. He asked me if there had been any pattern to the stucco, and I looked blank, and was like ???? what, like, a seaside? No, but if you want to like work some boobies or big ol dicks into the plaster, I WOULD NOT SAY NO, and he laughed (as he should) and started to get to work. He was immediately astonished to discover that everything was not all tarped up by the carpenter (why? Idk, friends, idk) and so he left to get tarps. I told him that by the time he got back, I needed to be gone, because I, too, slave for the man. He suggested that this was unfortunate, because he liked to have the homeowner around to check his work before he does the whole ceiling. I was not worried, because I was under the impression that Peter had been given clear instructions. He clearly had not, becuase what I GOT was more like this: https://wilderpublications.com/wp-content/uploads

      Friends. I hate it. I walked into my dining room and cried. I laid down on the floor and took a pic and sent it to GentlemanX and was like "please tell me that I am not crazy that this is not what I had, that i have to make them fix this" and he responded from the bush "idk, it's whatever I guess, it'll be fine" and I was like "i am actually crying rn please be gentle and also TELL ME THE THING I TOLD YOU I NEEDED TO HEAR" and he did, so i don't have to light him on fire with my mind as well which is a tiny victory. I don't know why I hate it so much, y'all, other than that it reminds me of all of the awful stucco that I have hated all my life, but I hates it with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. I tear up every time I walk through my dining room. I cry at least half the time. I have tears in my eyes rn.

      Yesterday, I called my project manager, and cried at him. If it is a choice between this and smooth, I said, i want smooth. This is rubbish. This is the exact kind of ceiling that would actually have been a dealbreaker for me when we were house shopping. I have _vivid_ memories of seeing that plaster and being like "weird, usually I hate stucco, but this is actually pretty great". And now it is gone. Gone, it appears, forever.

    • Xolandra says:

      The project manager called the plasterer, and so last night, after I got home, Peter called. We had some frank discussions, and now I worry that i have offended an artist, because he asked "do you not like th plaster?" and I was like well peter, to be quite frank, no. I was all "redo?" and he was like "they only pay me to do this once" and I was like "i understand that, but this is NOT what I had or asked for, and you TOLD ME you had seen pics, else I would have googled some images for you" and he was like "well pictures are one thing, I should have been in there before the demo to estimate if I could even do the work" and i was like WELL IF IFS AND BUTS WERE CANDIES AND NUTS EVERY DAY WOULD BE CHRISTMAS but that's not how that went and I am crying all the time and please JUST FIX IT. So he offered me a plaster centre-piece to go around my light fixture. I think these are hideous, but this man does not deserve to have my crying over the phone at him, so I was like yes, fine, pop by with it, I will see.

      So Peter pops by while I'm tryna stop crying (mourning is weird) and he's very nice and kind and personable and he shows me the molding which is old and yellowed and would not match my ceiling, but my immediate objection to that was that it in no way would fit my light fixture. Like, "you would have to buy an antique chandelier" in no way fits my light fixture. I tells Peter I will communicate with GentlemanX, and that I need to sleep on the decision, but out of curiosity, IF he was paid again, WOULD he be able to recreate my pretty stucco. He said no, but idk if he's bullshitting me or if he's saying no because he doesn't want to do the work again (reasonable, really).

      So today I call my project manager and cry at him, and he's all "insurance won't pay for the work twice" and I was like "I WILL CALL THE INSURANCE PEOPLE". I have done that, and they will be contacting me in 2-3 business days to coordinate sending an assessor to my house to assess if the value is the same and y'all, idk what to do with that because money doesn't matter, I _just want to be able to walk into my dining room without crying_. Like, buddha says possessions are fleeting, and I try not to be over-attached to things, but I guess I failed this time round because losing this ceiling is UPSETTING to me in ways that most people around me are like "WTF is wrong with you? Is just a ceiling"

      • Xolandra says:

        And in the interim i have no dining room table, no couch, no television, and (most egregiously) no stereo system.

        On the plus side, there is totally room to use a skipping rope in my dining room, so I've been doing that. That shit is hard, yo.

        • RoseCamelia says:

          I wish I could sit and cry with you, if that would help. Or you cry and I'll make tea. With bourbon. Lots of bourbon. ::Mankanaut hugs::

          • vladazhael says:

            I'll bring lemon to go in the bourbon tea, because then it's medicine. We'll have a floor picnic.

          • Xolandra says:

            OMG, yes please.

            About a week ago a friend showed up with desserts and three of us had a picnic on my kitchen floor. It was pretty amazing.

          • Xolandra says:

            Hahaha, crying with me probably would; I tend to dry up when others weep in order to better console them. The tea I would take, but if we could do whisky instead of bourbon, that would be better for me. 17yo Xolandra made some Unwise Decisions, and bourbon smells like them 😉

      • Xolandra says:

        O yes plus also finding the fixture would be on me, and I have zero desire to spend my not-slaving-for-the-man-hours antiquing on the off-chance that I will find a chandelier to a) fit a 100+ year old molding and b) suit my tastes.

      • Flitworth says:

        It is not just a ceiling and I stand by your right to not loathe the thing floating above your head in what is likely the most expensive thing you (most people) will ever buy.

  15. Flitworth says:

    I started to thoroughly melt down Monday morning so I attended my 9am mtg remotely, completed a few tasks and took the day off. I already had yesterday scheduled off for other adulting tasks. I am floating, detached, uncomfortable. Yesterday I had this weird dizzy/light-headed thing that I guess is anxiety related so I went to bed at 8:30 and it has passed. I, too, am out of emotional elasticity.

    I did the NYT 1 on 1 regarding my choice to stop my subscription. Response they will probably find least useful: "If you were an alien putting on an American human suit, the times would serve you well."

    Duder McAlabasterSoftHands is 24! It seems he has paid for the repair work up front so hopefully all that is done with. *grumble*kids today*grumble*

    I am reading John Hodgman's Vacationland and enjoying it.

  16. Absotively says:

    Oh, the other thing I've done something slightly progress-y on is Toaster Coven! I am making a renewed effort to at least post Toast Retrospectives there. Currently aiming to move through the Toast archive at a rate of one post per day.

  17. CleverManka says:

    Wow today was A Day at work. The two hour admissions meeting would have been enough, but after the meeting I opened my email to an utter shitshow of proportions I don't think I've seen at this job, ever. Like, this stuff is just…it's Really A Lot of Not Good and I'm at liberty to discuss exactly zero of it, but wowwwwww.

    Self-stuff, though, is going great! I'm feeling energy improvements that seem to be consistent and people are commenting that I'm more engaged and energetic, and my color. I don't wake up wanting to go back to sleep and never wake up again, and it's a rare evening that I go to bed hoping I don't wake up. I've successfully introduced coconut milk, vinegar (including balsamic), as well as raw vegetables (so daily salads are on the menu which I am loving god I missed not being able to eat raw food), butternut squash, onion, celery, sweet potato, and garlic! The only intros that didn't go well were cauliflower and tiger nut flour (I couldn't care less about the tiger nut flour but the cauliflower was disappointing–we'll try again in a month or so).

    I've gained five pounds and half an inch around my waist, though, so I need to cut back on my portions. Just because I can eat more variety of food doesn't mean I need to eat more food in general, especially when I'm not consistently exercising yet. Which reminds me I should've remembered to do yoga before lunch. Okay, that's gotta happen before dinner…

  18. RoseCamelia says:

    Lee is teaching me to knit. I like it! It's the first handwork I've tried that allows me to talk and make at the same time. Poor Lee; I'm pelting her with near constant chatter.

    Lee helped me join Ravelry. Same username and photo as here. Friend me!

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